It was a cold night somewhere around 2010. I was supposed to be leading the ladies group on this Friday night.
“What are you holding back from Jesus?” was the discussion question. I didn’t know what my answer was when I walked into the room.
Was it my marriage? Was it my job? What part of me was I not resigning? What part of me was I holding back?
As other women shared their wounds or their fears, Jesus provided the answer with clarity. “Shame. You don’t let me have your shame,” He said.
I exhaled. Then I inhaled that truth.
I held on to shame like it was penance for my sins. I committed unspeakable sins. The memories. The flashbacks. They must be the punishment for my stains.
I mean that’s what I heard. That’s what I was taught. You aren’t supposed to sin because it will ruin your life and you will never be able to take those things back. They are etched in the stone of your life.
That’s what people said. That’s not what God says.
Jesus reminded me of this thing he did in Bethany one day. His friend Lazarus was dead. For four days his corpse lay entombed until Jesus arrived and said, “Lazarus, come out!”
The sound of Jesus’ voice reached through death and called his friend to life. The grave clothes were removed and Lazarus walked out. He didn’t have a cough. He wasn’t limping. His back didn’t ache. He was healed. He was resurrected. All of him.
When I died with Christ in baptism, He reached through death and called me to life. No cough. No limp. No shame. All of me was called to life that day.
Give me the shame. Let me heal all of you dear one. Let me take it all.
If I am going to find healing or be an agent of healing, I have to deal with all the things that I hold back from Jesus, including the shame.
Jesus, I give you the sin. I give you the shame. Help me believe and trust what you say.
“The thief comes to kill steal and destroy. I have come that they may have life abundantly” (John 10:10).”
“There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
“So if the son sets you free, you are free indeed” (John 8:36).
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