The American Girl: Princess to Promiscuous… Why Our Daughters Are Having Sex

kindergarten girl reading

When Katie was in kindergarten she had her first boyfriend. Her mom thought it was so cute.

When Katie was in 6th grade she went to her first school dance with a boy. Her mom was giddy. She spent too much money on a dress and snapped too many pictures.

When Katie was in 7th grade she nervously kissed her first boy at a football game. Her mom thought, “my little girl is growing up.”

When Katie was in 8th grade she kissed her second and third boys. Her heart was broken for the first time. Her mom assured her that she may kiss a lot of toads, but one day she’ll find her prince.

When Katie was in the 9th grade she started making out with boyfriend #5. One night when they were watching a movie in his basement they went too far. Katie had sex. She didn’t tell her mother.

This is the story of The American Girl.

We scratch our heads and wonder why we have astronomical teen sex rates. We can’t figure out why STD’s are passed among high schoolers like the common cold. We wonder if  handing out birth control pills and condoms will reduce unwanted pregnancies.

Friends, we are the ones who have set this ball in motion.  We have sent the message that boyfriends are cute. We have delighted in their first kiss. We have trained our daughters that their sexual purity is for sale to the first boy who says “I love you.” Our daughters have traded their priceless virginity for nothing more than a cheap compliment from a horny teenage boy.

And our God is disgusted by it.

Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness. Lev. 19:29

God is disgusted.

We have a generation of lewd, raunchy, unholy children. So what do we do now? We need to:

1. Stop It

We need to repent.  We need to stop thinking little kindergarten boyfriends are cute.  We need to stop allowing our teens to be alone and giving them access to sex. We need to stop putting our children in adult situations and expecting them to make wise, God-honoring decisions.

2. Protect

We need to protect our daughters from the wiles of the devil and boys who regurgitate his words from hell. Instill modesty and pure conversation. Dressing for sex and talking about sex leads to sex. Our daughters are the priceless treasures of the King of All Kings. Treat them like it.

3. Nurture

Cultivate relationships at home. Make a home a happy place. A lot of girls run into the arms of boy because it seems better than the mess at home.

4. Feed Her Passion

If your daughter is boy crazy, expand her horizon. Find something she is good at. Something her Creator put in her heart. Maybe it is playing the piano, art or writing. Her heart will be full when her life is a song sung to her Heavenly Father.

 5. Intend Her For Marriage

Speak highly of marriage. Let her see you live a good marriage. Purpose her to give herself to only one.  Play an active role in sparing her from a broken heart, marred sexuality and problems for her marriage in the future. Purpose her for marriage. Purpose her for holiness.

Lord Most High,
Forgive us for giving our daughters away. Forgive us for not honoring your institution of holy marriage.  Forgive us making common what is sacred. Forgive us. Convict our hearts and bring change. Please heal the brokenness we have caused. Please clean up the mess we made. Let us lift our daughters up as our unblemished offering to a God who is worthy.
Amen
 

The American  Boy: From Superhero to Skirt Chaser… Why Our Boys Are Having Sex

Serena
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Comments: 122
  1. 8 years ago

    I love this post. Will you be writing one about boys too?

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    • 8 years ago

      I love this post too. Since I am a Dad it was insightful I had to tell other parents and youth workers on The Youth Culture Report about it. Thanks for following up with the American Boy

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  2. Angie Smith
    8 years ago

    Having raised 1 daughter and 2 boys already and in the process of raising 3 more boys, I am petrified. I have 5 boys who have and will “regurgitate his words from hell” 3 of those boys have NO basis to NOT think that sex before marriage is wrong. Its ok to not be married because parents aren’t. Living together and even cheating are a way of life ingrained already. This “Godly” life is foreign. We pray and we correct and try to show them what life “should” be, but what if its not enough? They are good boys, they just need prayer, so please pray for my boys.

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    • 8 years ago

      For those that don’t know Angie, she has adopted 3 boys out of foster care. Angie, lots of prayer. We pray a lot for you. God can do amazing things through your servants heart.

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    • Laura
      8 years ago

      Angie, we are in the same boat. We adopted two boys out of foster care when they were 15 & 16. (They are 16 & 17 now.) Oh my! We are working really hard on changing their views of sexual purity. Thankfully, they are new Christians, and they do seem very responsive to what we are teaching them. Praise the Lord they are pure. Neither have ever kissed a girl, so there is much hope. I will pray for you and your boys.

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  3. Woodsmoke
    8 years ago

    I don’t disagree with your concern for righteous conduct–I disagree with the idea that purity is a gender-specific responsibility. Are you saying that girls have MORE sex than boys?

    Moreover, I note that the female is consistently passive in your description–playing into a classic subject/object dichotomy. She is either acted upon by the parent (father–typical) or acted upon by boys. In either case her agency is manumitted to the most proximate masculine figure in her life.

    I instead advocate that we teach our girls autonomy, self-reliance, and the confidence that is necessary to preserve their own purity. Don’t tell them that they are a princess in need of either rescue or protection. The world has no need of distressed damsels.

    Empower them to seek god and godly companionship responsibly.

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    • reno0022
      8 years ago

      I agree with the above poster, woodsmoke. Teach young girls how to be ladies, how to be self sufficient, well, besides God of course. Teach them about how to make a budget, how to cook, how to clean, how to change the oil in their cars, let them be self confident women who know who they are in God and won’t sell out to some boy because they already have a life worth living. Life isn’t about waiting for a boyfriend, or marriage. Life is worth living from the moment they are born, and should be an aspiration instead of the affection of a man…

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      • Stacey
        8 years ago

        Unfortunately the “empowering” of women is our current problem. I am raising a daughter, a lady! I don’t need to teach her to change her oil or to be “self-sufficient”! That isn’t biblical womanhood. Meekness in Biblical terms is a disciplined calmness and decided strength under control. I want her to be meek in the eye
        Of God just as Moses! I don’t see how those who read the Bible can miss understand this. We have to eliminate the socialital babble and raise our children according to Gods word!

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        • SomeGuy
          8 years ago

          I can’t comprehend this attitude. I don’t know of any reason why being able to change your own oil isn’t biblical womanhood. I bet Ruth would have been able to change her own oil if cars existed when she were alive.

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          • V.
            8 years ago

            I agree. Women of the Bible lived in a time where hard work was necessary to live. If you were poor, you did it yourself. If you were of means (Proverbs 31) you might be in a management position, but you’d still be working hard to accomplish the needed work. Changing oil might be viewed as a traditionally male task, but any godly woman, single or married, could use that skill as a way to care for herself or others.

            I also worry that this post is a bit heavy handed on boys who might not honor your daughter. Boys need guidance, and the 9th grade boy who is having sex in the basement is in need of love, care, compassion and protection as much as your daughter. If the boys who are interested in your daughter don’t have that guidance, perhaps an appropriate attitude would be to be that adult who listens, loves, and gives boundaries while offering him respect and dignity.

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        • Sara
          8 years ago

          I am a 36 year old single woman who lives alone. I own a home, have a successful career, have run 4 full marathons, and am a leader in several ministries of my church. I am glad I can manage my own life (although I must confess that my dad does still change my oil). However, due to a constant teaching of independence from an early age, I learned to be standoffish. And I don’t think I’m the only woman who developed in this way. God said it’s not good for man to be alone and He created woman. I find that there is not a lot of balanced teaching in this area in the church or the world today, People say you either need to be an independent woman who doesn’t need a man or that you need to be a submissive woman who can’t get by without one. Why not both? Why can’t we be independent successful women who are also praying for our future husbands and looking forward to meeting the one who God has planned for ys?

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        • cinder
          8 years ago

          13 She selects wool and flax
          and works with eager hands.
          14 She is like the merchant ships,
          bringing her food from afar.
          15 She gets up while it is still night;
          she provides food for her family
          and portions for her female servants.
          16 She considers a field and buys it;
          out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
          17 She sets about her work vigorously;
          her arms are strong for her tasks.
          18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
          and her lamp does not go out at night.
          19 In her hand she holds the distaff
          and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
          20 She opens her arms to the poor
          and extends her hands to the needy.
          21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
          for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
          22 She makes coverings for her bed;
          she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
          23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
          where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
          24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
          and supplies the merchants with sashes.
          25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
          she can laugh at the days to come.
          26 She speaks with wisdom,
          and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
          27 She watches over the affairs of her household
          and does not eat the bread of idleness.******Seems to me this gals mother taught her to work hard….which might have included changing the oil if need be….meekness is not weakness.

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        • Kristan
          8 years ago

          “….the only person in this world that you depend on sometimes is yourself” That is one of the main schemes of the enemy and is part of the problem in the world today. The ONLY one in this world we should depend on is God. In EVERY situation, if left to our own devices we will jack it up every time! I am a mother of a 6 year old daughter and she already knows that at the FIRST sign of trouble to turn to the Lord, not herself!

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        • Caroline
          8 years ago

          Stacey, you are so misguided.

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        • someguywhowrites
          8 years ago

          are you saying the teaching your daughter how to take care of herself is wrong. it is good for a woman to be able to take care of herself and not rely on the help of a man in everything. there is nothing wrong in teaching your daughter how to change the oil in her car or how to change a flat tire. these are things everyone should know YES even girls. teach her to be a lady yes, but also tech her to be independent there is nothing wrong with that. 🙂

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        • kylamk
          5 years ago

          There’s nothing unbiblical about being able to take care of yourself whether you’re male and need to cook and do your own laundry (as my dad did when he joined the military in the 1950s) or female and need to-do your own home/car maintenance. Husbands and wives SHOULD depend on each other and that usually means ‘traditional’ roles, but there are plenty of times when those roles just don’t work.

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        • Bethany
          5 years ago

          This type of thinking leads a woman to believe her value is dependent on whatever mate she ends up with. Being self-sufficient is not a weakness but a strength and a great value. If you are trying to teach her the value of her physical body, you should not try and steer her towards a rationale that speaks of a dependency on another human.

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    • 8 years ago

      I think you drew some conclusions that I did not even elude to. I do write from a female perspective because I am one. I have 5 daughters and have been in women’s ministry for 16 years. This is my story and the story of thousands of girls I have spoken to and privately counseled over the years.

      I’m not sure if expecting a 6 year old to be independent is the call of Christ. In fact, I am pretty sure it isn’t. I have been entrusted with 7 little souls to get to heaven- 1 down and 6 to go.

      I am not creating or perpetuating a myth. Girls are having sex at very young ages (I was one) and they are being groomed for it from childhood. If we are allowing our little girls to have boyfriends then date in Jr. High where else is there to go but all the way? 4 yrs of high school is a long time to be in a relationship and not have sex.

      I am about keeping it real.

      My marriage was seriously and negatively impacted because I gave pieces of myself away before the God ordained time.

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      • Sarah
        8 years ago

        You’re right. A six-year-old doesn’t need to be independent. But she should be learning skills that will lead her towards independence. If she has no choice but to depend on a man to take care of basic adult skills for her, then she will likely find herself in situations where she has to give a man things that he wants just to survive.
        We can teach our girls that they have value, talents, and abilities. They won’t have to form relationships out of need, but they will be able to wait to form a Godly relationship with a Godly man.

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    • Jenn
      8 years ago

      I also agree with the above poster, Woodsmoke. It’s important to teach young women that respect for themselves and their bodies ultimately shows respect and honor to a Heavenly Father who created us. I think most often young men and women don’t see themselves as God sees them and that leads to mistakes.
      Purity is priceless, but I don’t think God is disgusted with us when we make a mistake. This scripture from Leviticus is referring to Old Testament pagan practices, specifically ritual prostitution. It would be difficult for me to believe that anyone reading this post would be prostituting their daughters in a pagan temple.
      Instead of calling teenagers lewd, raunchy and unholy, what if we, as adults, mentors, parents, pastors, etc. encouraged this youth generation to see themselves as priceless, favored and loved?

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    • Lola
      8 years ago

      I completely agree Woodsmoke. As Christian women we should not be raised to be merely passive and always having to react to situations instead of leading them. I personally don’t see how people (women especially) do not interpret Jesus as the ultimate empowerer of women. But agree to disagree I suppose. As someone who has just been accepted into law school, I am thankful my parents raised me to know that I did not have to fit into a certain idea of Christian feminity to be a true believer and fufill my God given purpose.

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    • Carol
      8 years ago

      I see comments like yours frequently, Woodsmoke, when a piece is written from the perspective of the responsibilities of girls and towards girls. They usually can be summed up as, “Why is it always the GIRLS? The boys are not exempt!”

      No, boys aren’t exempt, but that doesn’t mean that every piece that addresses one must address both. Boys and girls have similarities and differences and because of the differences, it’s not a bad thing to share thoughts about what one – or the other – gender needs to be wary of. And in this case, this author did an admirable job shining a light on what happens with little girls, and the path we set them down when we – as moms – get caught up their ‘romance’ as though we are reliving our own young love again, much like some dads to with sons and football.

      I think in many ways, moms do see their daughters as extensions of themselves, and when their daughters are put on a pedestal via the affections of or interest from a boy, the mom feels gratified. Having raised a daughter, I know that it *is* a sweet thing to see a boy notice that she’s pretty, etc. It can melt your heart when a young man does something kind or chivalrous to get her attention. But when moms get caught up in a sense of personal pride over having a daughter that’s a turn-on, plastering them all over Facebook with photos of a long line – or even a short line – of guys, it does send a message to the girls about what’s important.

      I see this much more often with the moms of daughters than moms of sons, and I think it’s because we know our boys don’t really like to be photographed in the way a dressed-up girl does. We sense that boundary with our sons, but because we relate emotionally to our daughters, we do tend to exploit them without really understanding what we’re doing.

      And it’s okay to discuss that stand-alone issue without having to explore the ways we harm our sons. Those are other posts for another blog.

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  4. Angela
    8 years ago

    thank you for speaking honestly about this very serious matter. I was one of “those girls” but want so much more for my daughters and my sons. I am so thankful for the redemption that has been offered and that I know so much better how to demonstrate a better way for them.

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    • Mary
      8 years ago

      I was taught right from wrong, and I really wanted to be good and save myself for my husband. But I was permitted to date too young, and the standard was set too low. I was pregnant at 17. I married my child’s father, who was a virgin until I tempted him, and we set higher standards for ourselves and our children. I was honest about my failure with our children, and explained why it is important to save yourself.

      The most important thing we did was nurture our own relationship with Jesus Christ and teach our children to focus on Him first. All other relationships will fall into their appropriate place when Jesus is given first place.

      The best quotation I have heard lately on this subject goes something like this: “A girl should be so close to God that a guy has to go to God to find her.”

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      • 8 years ago

        Thank you so much for sharing that testimony. Really. My teens reeked with sexual sin. It has been a huge mountain to climb in my spirit and in my marriage. I’ve heard that quote too. That’s so where its at. On the other side of our sexual sins there is a Savior waiting to extend the same grace he did 2000 years ago to a woman caught in the act (John 8:1-11). He can heal us past, present and future.

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  5. Stacy
    8 years ago

    This is a great post, Serena. One of my biggest pet peeves about school is their willingness to put young boys and girls in adult situations and call it cute. Specifically, dances. Young boys and girls have no business acting like adults, and parents shouldn’t be putting our kids in those situations. I know not everyone agrees with me about that, but I feel like it is those types of things that prepare our sons and daughters to do things they wouldn’t do normally. It is our position to do our best to keep our boys from anything that even hints of sex. Everything in this article is right on. Thank you for writing it! We need to open our eyes to our part in sexualizing our kids.

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  6. Collin
    8 years ago

    Excellent thoughts!

    In regard to #3: What I try to focus on is being a dad who expresses a wholesome love to my daughters. When they in turn are in love with me, they are filled and won’t be prematurely seeking love from that “horny teenage boy.”

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  7. 8 years ago

    I’m not the only concerned one out there.

    http://campaign.r20.constantcontact.com/render?ca=ccd40919-762a-484a-b864-f10508a4ddcf&c=89645a80-b66e-11e3-b4ec-d4ae527536d1&ch=8a6cf0e0-b66e-11e3-b4f2-d4ae527536d1#LETTER.BLOCK48

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  8. Malissa
    8 years ago

    I have a teenage daughter. I give in to her wanting shoot a bow, guns and have tons of show animals. There is a motive here. She rather do that than deal with all the drama of a small town. Here there are few kids who haven’t dated her friends. I am lucky she doesn’t like the drama of her friends dating and wants to avoid it. I am telling her and have been for years that dating is what you do to find the man you want to marry. And your not ready to be married. Boys are stupid at this age and you can avoid all the drama and rumors by avoiding dating or what ever you want to call it. She has many strong men in her life. Her wonderful uncles who support her and her grandpa and her dad. I think to have strong male role models makes a world of difference. She sees what a marriage should be by watching her uncles and aunts and her mom and dad. A good example helps her know how she wants to be treated. She is our princess and Gods too.

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  9. Stevious
    8 years ago

    I’m going home right now to build an underground bunker in which to shelter my nearly 16-year-old daughter. She’ll be homeschooled forevermore and never allowed to leave the house unless accompanied by a male family member. Wait, that’s Sharia law. Never mind.

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  10. Grinchville
    8 years ago

    I wholeheartedly agree with your post, and would love to read one focused on the “boy” perspective. I am a mother of 3 boys, my older two (twins) being in middle school. I am thankful that one son (so far) still has no interest in girls (too busy with other activities), and the other son is disgusted by how some of his friends seem to have a new girlfriend every week. Plus how they just seem to rotate around to one another. I just try and instill sexual purity, and I am REALLY big on keeping communication open with my boys. They are as comfortable coming to me (so far) to talk about “sensitive stuff” as they are talking to their father. I try to teach them to be respectful and honorable, and I pull no punches when talking about sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, etc. I don’t know how many times they have heard me tell them, “The very biggest gift you can give your future wife, who God has already chosen for you, and has waiting for you, is the gift of sexual purity. The gift of knowing that you thought her so incredibly special that she was worth waiting for. Do you not think the woman you spend the rest of your life with is worth waiting for?” Thanks again for this post. 🙂

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    • Patti
      8 years ago

      I have a daughter and she “dates” several boys, only lasts about a week or two. But I would much rather this be the situation instead of her exclusively dating a boy and thinking she is “in love” with him and wanting to do more sexually. I guess it is all in how you look at a situation.

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  11. Laura Ellis
    8 years ago

    Great article Serena! What I thought was cute was when my 6yo was asked by a Christian girl same age to be her boyfriend, he said, “Sorry, I need to wait til I get out of college and can support a family.” Dating is for marriage, right? In 7th grade, same situation, same response, different girl… Don’t know how long it will last, but I pray he keeps his head on straight! He’s only 14… Anyhow, thank you for these wise words!

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  12. Laura Ellis
    8 years ago

    I can only speak for myself, but my husband and I both married each other as virgins. It is a very precious gift and is God’s will. We teach our children about precautions when they are married. As with any sin, you don’t teach this is wrong, but you will mess up anyway, so use this. Lord willing, our children will obey. We expect nothing less. We don’t lower our expectations because they might mess up. Nor does God lower his because we might mess up.

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    • AJ
      8 years ago

      Actually, even just reading through Leviticus – God repeatedly said “Do not…but if you do…”

      I agree that we should teach abstinence but SorryNotSorry is right- teach abstinence and expect it, but educate them thoroughly because you can’t deny statistics.

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      • Kristan
        8 years ago

        Ok, so if you are subscribing to that logic then let’s apply it elsewhere. I am teaching my daughter not to kill anyone. Killing is wrong and I am going to tell her that, however, I know we live in the real world and people kill each other every day. So just in case I’m going to give her a weapon, teach her how to use it, and let her keep it with her just in case she decides not to listen to my teaching. Or I am going to teach her that drugs are wrong, I’m going to TELL her not to use them, but again we live in the real world and drugs are EVERYWHERE, so I will buy her some meth, and a pipe and teach her how to properly use it and make sure that she is prepared “just in case” she decides not to listen to my teaching.
        Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it? Well that is the mentality we have when it comes to pre-marital sex. I am not only teaching my daughter that she is to save herself for her husband, but I am fully expecting that she will do just that. Children are not stupid, if you SAY one thing with your words, then your actions say the exact opposite then they know exactly what you really expect of them and they will do just that.

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        • Sarah J
          8 years ago

          Saying educating your child about the biological mechanics of human sexuality, the sexual response cycle, “safer sex” practices, and birth control is not at all like giving your child a weapon or drugs! Human beings are supposed to have sex (eventually). It is how we reproduce. We are not supposed to use weapons or drugs. They are generally not good for us as individuals or a group. Sex (in the proper context) is good for us. The “gun” and drug paraphernalia are actually like the sex organs in your a analogy – the female ones, the make ones and the brain. Your kids already have those tools! You would not want them not to have them. Stop making them evil. I agree that romanticizing young love can be dangerous, but human sexuality is a gift. It needs to be used wisely. Take pictures of your daughter by herself and not as part of a couple if she goes to a dance (even if she “goes with” a boy to the dance). It’s not about the boy anyway (or it shouldn’t be). I still remember my first “slow dance” – it’s a happy memory. It was a little overwhelming to be that close – and my equally shy and innocent dance partner backed away after a only a minute or two . We weren’t quite ready for it. Still, it felt sad to pull away because even though it was too much in the moment it was very pleasant. I see all this as very normal. I still know this man today. I assume he remembers and it’s a good memory for him too. We were just learning about growing up – that’s all. These issues are so much more complex than is being stated in this discussion. Learning morals and ethics is about more than just rules. It’s about respect as well as obedience.

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        • Adelpha
          8 years ago

          Sarah is precisely right. It’s a federal offense to smoke a cigarette on an aircraft. There are signs all over the plane and the flight attendant will announce it sometimes repeatedly yet there are STILL ashtrays in the lavatory. Is it because everything we have heard about being fined and hauled off if we light up is just a ruse? No. It’s so if you ignore all the warnings and light a cigarette you won’t put the butt in the trash and set the plane on fire.You’re right kids aren’t complete idiots. If they’re old enough to begin feeling those healthy curiosities they need to know all the risks of having sex. I was taught the truth and that’s scary enough. No birth control is fail proof and there are plenty of people walking around as a result of that. There is no such thing as risk free sex, just reduced risk sex. Plenty of parents that were no worse than you banked on their kids adhering to abstinence and winded up having a pregnant teen. It’s like Sarah said. The “gun” or “needle” in that stupid argument is your child’s built-in hormone flooded brain and sexual organs. Unless you want to “take the gun away” from them surgically teach them gun safety.

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  13. 8 years ago

    Abstinence taught from a proper perspective does work. I know many women who have saved themselves for marriage. I married in my 30s as a virgin, so was my husband. Teaching abstinence from the premise as a way to avoid unwanted pregnancy and STDs doesn’t hold water when a girl is in a compromising position. Everything she’s learned flies out the window in the heat of that moment. However, teaching girls that a holy God commands us to live holy, and that sins of a sexual nature are sins against the body – while all other sins are sins outside of the body…and that immorality is, in fact a serious sin that the Bible says will prevent you from inheriting the kingdom of Heaven, not a “mistake” (that implies you were doing something right, when something wrong inadvertently occurred) – this will set the proper foundation for abstinence training. Our young people must understand that sex within the proper confines of marriage is wonderful and holy, but outside of the proper confines is dangerous and sinful.

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    • 8 years ago

      Beautiful.

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    • Barb
      8 years ago

      Yes, and there is also the matter of whether or not they are united to Christ by faith at the time. Behaviorism vs a changed, indwelt heart, seeking to walk inWisdom vs folly, etc. I was always taught that sex outside of marriage is unChristian, but I was never taught why, not that it would have mattered, because I only thought I was a believer, but still enslaved to my flesh. It wasn’t until around my 40th birthday when the Lord actually saved me and opened my eyes and changed the center and course of my heart and desires that it became very clear to me that I had been “natural” (not a Christian) all my life.

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  14. Wendy
    8 years ago

    Great post, thank you for addressing and sharing. I stayed a virgin until I married at 28 for no other reason than my relationship with God and my precious mother teaching me early that I am a daughter of the King. Not because of abstinence teaching, or lack of opportunities. I have a daughter now too and pray God helps us teach her the same. When you know your identity in Christ, you know counterfeit love when it comes knocking and you can say no, knowing that there is something worth waiting for! 🙂 Some may disagree with your post but that’s the way it’s always been and always will be. I thank God for His wisdom and His truth!!

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  15. 8 years ago

    Thank you so much for this post! You are SO RIGHT; we treat our little girls like little Barbie Jrs and then blame THEM when, once THEY start writing the script, the end result makes us look bad.

    If we raise our children for ourselves, they will hurt and we will hurt. It starts so early…but if early on, or even TODAY, we present our bodies, our lives, our children to Jesus as a living sacrifice, He will be free to direct and bless us with lives worth living. He will even give us wisdom about our own situations that will bring results better than we could have dreamed!

    There are so many ways I want to train up my daughter to be pure. Teaching her that she is loved, showing her how NOT to dress long before puberty hits, being thankful to my own husband for the privilege of being chosen by him…so many things can influence her.

    In the end though, God’s grace is the only thing powerful enough to present her faultless before God someday. So the greatest thing we can do for our princesses is point them to Jesus, who knew no sin, yet became sin for us, that we might be made the righteousness of God in him.

    God bless us all with this grace! 🙂

    PS-my husband told me to let you know about my blog for teen girls along these lines, cryoutforwisdom.blogspot.com. Hope it helps someone!

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  16. 8 years ago

    I agree with what you are conveying. However, that is not enough in this day and time. If a parent (mother or father) does not teach a child to politely say NO to peers, adults, or family in a respectful manner then they are less apt to be familiar with the concept of standing up for themselves until they are much older. I used this method with my children and it saved them from heavy peer pressure. We also need to show our children (with actual participation) the evils of not being knowledgeable about sex as well. Throughout my children’s lives (they are adults) I used age appropriate discussion with aids (pictures from the internet). Those pictures were horrible; they were pictures of what happens when sexually transmitted disease goes untreated on the body and in the brain. One would be surprise what syphilis of the eye looks like. I was. I used also respect for the body and the soul together in accordance with a lot of biblical scripture. It is not unplanned pregnancies that scare me. It was seeing a child buried from a disease that could have been prevented. Be honest, be informed, and do not be shy on this subject. Boost your child’s self esteem. A dear friend of mine, a very devout Christian once told me, I wish my mother and father talked to me more in detail about sex because on prom night, he contracted HIV/aids from his girlfriend/date.

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    • 8 years ago

      Wow. Thanks so much for this comment. What great ideas!!!!

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  17. JustMyTwoCents
    8 years ago

    I am the mother of two boys I have to say, in my experience, it was always the girls being the aggressor. They dress like their music video idols, and what’s worse, their mothers do, too. The father (or their mother’s current boyfriend or husband #x) is either absent or someone for whom they have no respect. They are looking for love in ALL the wrong places. And this can even be the case in church youth groups, although the girls will dress a bit more modestly for group functions. If the home is not intact with God-fearing parents (I’m including step-parents here), the girls are getting their ideas about what it is to be a woman from TV, music, online social media and sometimes worst of all, their own mothers. Christian parents have all of the above to compete with – their message must be louder and their example brighter, than all the others. Fathers are the MOST important in this equation, and there are many who have abdicated their positions as fathers. My father was the best man I ever knew growing up, and he let me know I was strong, smart, beautiful, and could do anything I put my mind to. I believed in God as a Holy Father because if my earthly father could love me like he did, how much more could my Heavenly Father love me? So my boyfriends had to measure up. I didn’t have many because of that, and I didn’t date until I was a senior in high school. I am a widow now (twice over), and I imagine God meeting my Dad at the gates some 20 years ago saying, “You did a good job with the daughter I put in your care.”

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    • 8 years ago

      Thank you for sharing that. I see many of the same things!

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  18. 8 years ago

    This is my first stop on your blog, but I want you to know how much I appreciate your writing things the way they are. I am thankful for your voice for protecting our children by helping them follow right and holy dreams. I totally agree that it isn’t cute to play around. Marriage is too serious to have a lot of goofy (sinful) actions preceding it. Thank you for standing up for right and for good parenting. God bless!

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  19. Elizabeth
    8 years ago

    we need to ask the kindergartener what she means by “boyfriend.” it could be as simple as “he’s a boy and he’s my friend.” too often, parents are the ones who escalate things and they don’t even mean to. my first school dance was the junior prom and my 2nd, the senior prom. i wanted to go to the band dance in 8th grade (to hang out w/ my BFF; i didn’t care about dating or boys), but mom and dad said no (rats.). i had to wait for things. i didn’t wear makeup until i was 13, didn’t wear “heels or hose” until i was 10. i didn’t get my ears pierced until i was 11. my first pedicure was in 2009 and my first and only manicure, 2013 (at 44!). my first date WAS the junior prom. some of this were my choices, but others were b/c mom and dad wanted to prevent even the slightest temptation of sex or borderline sex. some of these that happened growing up, were the result of negotiating w/ mom and dad, and some, nope, they set the rules. parents need to set rules, so they can build trust, and then negotiate some things if the child is trust worthy (like getting ears pierced). we need to quit giving girls “everything” before they’re even 10 years old.

    and it’s not just the girls, it’s the boys. all the focus seems to be on girls. yes, biology dictates that visual consequences of promiscuity are often solely placed on the girls, but it takes “two to tango.” parents need to ask questions and set up rules and not being afraid to say no or not now w/ their sons too.

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  20. ann
    8 years ago

    Loved the article and all the responces. I have taught school and seen the problems with the whole sexual dressing/acting thing. The desire to grow up is strong. One thing that was not mentioned is that to everything there is a time and season. Remind your children, especially little girls that they will never be 7 again and that they want to ring all the 7 they can out of the year. Once, they have sex, you can’t unknow, enjoy the anticipation while you can, live in it. It is like a grocery store..going to the grocery store all by yourself and getting the groceries is the best thing in the world!!! Until you have to do it even when you are sick and your kids are sick. All in good time, all in God’s timing. God made sex as glue, not to have us stuck to a long string of people, but just one. Sexy clothing, acting can wait, live in things that you will be too old for one day, then enjoy the glue that holds you with you mate and enjoy the season of that.

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  21. Sara
    8 years ago

    Help. My daughter is 15. She has been very promiscuous over the past several years. I had no idea and I feel like a fool. She gave her virginity away to a high school boy a few years older then her. It took her a long time to tell me. We went to the doctor, she had her first gynecological exam, which included STD testing and a pregnancy test. Horrifying for her. I was so sad for her. I felt like a horrible mother. I felt stupid for not knowing my daughter was engaging in this type of behavior. For not protecting her. I always felt that she was safe. Freshman year of high school she became friends with another girl. She was often at our home. She was polite. Well mannered. The girls became inseparable. I got to know her mother a bit, though we were not close. She was a trusted teacher at the school. All seemed well and safe. I wasn’t monitoring my daughter’s every move. Turns out, the girl my daughter considered her best friend was putting on a good show. She introduced my daughter to drugs, alcohol, and the art of lying and sneaking out of her house (during overnights at her house) to meet up with boys. The girls ended up at a party. An unsupervised party. With drugs and alcohol. The host was a 28 year old man who allowed teens to party at his apartment. He flattered my daughter and ended up with her cell number. He texted her and convinced her to sneak over to his place for another party at a later date. He convinced her she’d meet some new friends if she came over. Alone. She went. There was no one there, except him. He served her alcohol. He drugged her. Her raped her. Repeatedly. She didn’t tell a soul until I noticed some odd behaviors. Mood swings, lots of sleeping. We talked and I was very worried about how depressed she seemed. She then showed me her arms. She started cutting herself. Immediately I took her to the hospital for some help. She started therapy. A few weeks into therapy, while sitting in her room with her on her bed, brushing her hair….she told me about the rape. The lies. The drugs and alcohol. We went to the police. That 28 year old man is now 29. He was arrested. Several charges. We go to trial in July. So, now my daughter is no longer a virgin. And she’s a rape victim. She’s doing quite well, thanks to some wonderful, wonderful nurses, therapists, and psychiatrists. She has support in school as well. She’s focused on her academics and she’s a very talented artist and photographer. She also has started drumming and has joined a drum circle. She has a very special friend who is a boy who has been supportive and inspiring. He suffered a lot of tragedy and loss in his life – he lost his parents to a murder-suicide. And yet he is living a pure life. He is 17. A virgin. Graduating a year early from high school. Leaving for college in the fall. While he and my daughter have developed a bit of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, they are both on the same page. He is saving himself for marriage. He is so accepting of my daughter and all she’s been through. He knows everything. He stands by her and keeps her in check. He is respectful of my husband and me. He spends a great deal of time at our home. I think he enjoys having a “father” figure around and my husband is good about teaching him basic things that a father would teach a son (we have no boys). How to fix a car, do basic plumbing, use tools, household repairs, etc. They have even gone fishing. My daughter feels that she will never be whole again and asks how does she become pure again for her future husband? Having this special boy in her life has her really thinking about how she can “start over” so to speak.

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    • 8 years ago

      I sent you a private email.

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    • Sarah J
      8 years ago

      So sorry all this happened to your daughter! (And you). Your daughter IS pure. Purity is not equivalent to sexual purity. Her “friend who is a boy” understands this apparently. Other men will too if he’s not “the one.” Many men are understanding that things happen – sometimes of our own choosing, sometimes out of ignorance, sometimes because they are forced upon us. The same is true for boys. Would a boy be asking how he could still be pure for his wife? Maybe – especially in the case of being a victim of a sexual assault himself. But whether a boy or a girl neither should feel “dirty” or “unworthy” because they are not. You daughter’s friend is relating to her because he’s also experienced intense emotional pain (most likely). Those kinds of things are powerful bonds. They seem to be helping each other. I bet he thinks she’s still “pure” or that that’s not even what matters. Does she know that?

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    • Dawn
      8 years ago

      I attend a Christian university, and this is a conversation the professor thought nessesary. Once we have sex once, is it all over for us? Simply, the answer is no. We know, from Romans 6, that the grace of God covers the multitude of sins. It covers us even when we sin intentionally. Knowing that, what we ought to do is strive to live a life free from sin. We need to do our best, but when we fall Grace washes those sins from us from day we are each joined with Christ through baptism.
      In the Gospels we read about Zacheous who was a tax collector(he worked for the Romans and cheated his own people out of money, the Jews considered his kind to be the worst of sinner) but when Jesus called him he left his old ways and repented. Jesup sat down and ate dinner with him that day.
      In Philemon we read about Onesimus, a slave who stole from his masters and ran for it. But he turned his life around to follow Christ. He then became more than he ever was before. Paul considered him extremely helpful in ministry, where prior he was unreliable.
      To become “pure” again, turn from sin and live upright from this point forward.

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  22. Shel
    8 years ago

    I am a college aged girl with absolutely zero intentions of having sex before marriage. I was taught abstinence in a wise fashion. I am keenly aware, however, that many other Christian girls my age are taught a very close-minded form of abstinence that results in fear of their own bodies. Abstinence can sometimes be presented as a “Congrats, you have body parts that the opposite sex drools over, now cover up and don’t kiss boys or you might get sucked into the vortex of sex” sort of concept, and that can be more damaging than helpful. I was well educated on the biology of the situation in boys and girls, and it helped remind me that we all as adolescents were struggling, and that wanting to kiss someone wasn’t a sin. (I also feel compelled to mention that teen sex rates are not necessarily “astronomical.” Just the admittance in recent years is. In Biblical times, girls married and had children at a younger age. We are biologically programmed to be hormonal and fertile in the teenage years. Society has shifted the age at which we marry.) Overall, however, a solid article on a topic I primarily agree with.

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    • Sarah
      8 years ago

      I love your response. Being a college girl waiting for marriage, I am able to relate. Instilling fear is far from helpful. Many young girls are taught that teenage boys are hormone-driven & only want one thing… Well, yea they have hormones & desires.. That’s the way we are created.. but one thing that is too often left out is that females also have these desires. In my experience, I’ve heard that girls want love & boys want sex. I thought there was something wrong with me when I began to have these desires.. I never knew that girls struggled with sex. I battled with this in my mind for a long time. It wasn’t until I was in college & talked with a few of my married friends that I realized I’m not alone in this. I definitely think there should be more education on this, along with scripture to show the importance of waiting.

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  23. mbaasa andrew
    8 years ago

    Beautiful msg. Even in some churches the issues concerning reletionships are mis handled. God bless. keep those msgs coming.

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  24. 8 years ago

    Please forgive any borrowing of ideas, but what you said about daughters, started me thinking about my son. I wrote the following as a companion to your piece on daughters.

    http://scottmccown.wordpress.com/2014/04/08/the-american-teenager-and-sexuality/

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  25. Sarah
    8 years ago

    The view of a 22 year old:
    I am usually not one to disagree with posts like this, especially ones that promote purity.. but I don’t feel that everything in this post is completely fair.
    Being 22, I feel like I’m at an awkward age.. I’m not sure if I would be included in the generation you are talking about or not.. I always do my best to never take offense, but I am not too happy with the way you said, “We have a generation of lewd, raunchy, unholy children.”
    Every person is different, & we all sin in different ways. Just as you say this about the children today, I could easily say that parents today are too busy partying & being irresponsible to know how to raise their children.. That’s a very strong generalization & we all know it does not apply to all. The same goes for the statement made in this post.
    I normally don’t talk about this unless someone else brings it up because I don’t want my words to cause any type of condemnation.. I am waiting until marriage to have sex. Many people that I do talk about this to usually tell me things like, “Oh, just wait until you fall in love..” and “you’re still young.. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
    I had a “boyfriend” in kindergarten, I had my first kiss in 9th grade, & I’ve dated quite a few guys since then. I am 22 years old, in my senior year of college, in a serious relationship, & I am still pure.
    I believe being raised in a home filled with God’s word & good morals has definitely had a major impact on who I am today… but I know of other families who have tried to raise their children the same way, & the story took a different route. Of course, I am not judging, only pointing out that every child & circumstance is different, & each child will make their own decisions. Thus, one statement saying, “we have a generation of lewd, raunchy, unholy children,” is a very strong, unfair statement.

    That being said, I will also point out that the list you have given is fantastic! I really believe number 5 is extremely important! There are many young people (my age) I’ve come in contact with that are dating “just for fun.” For some, it seems like the true meaning of dating has lost it’s purpose. I’ve always been told, “If you can’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with him, don’t waste your or his time.” That one statement has saved me from many heartaches… But, although it worked for me, it doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. Another good point to this is that the importance of marriage should be shown at home. Through every circumstance, live out your happily ever after. Show your children unconditional love in your marriage just as Christ has shown us through His marriage with the church! Again, this doesn’t apply to everyone.. There are single parents out there. If you’re not able to give an example of marriage at home, speak life into your children, & use Christ & the church as an example of a perfect marriage.

    I do want to say thank you for writing this post! I am a huge advocate for purity, & I appreciate you taking the time to share the importance of it. This is a touchy subject for some, & I pray more begin to step out & stand up for what’s right. (:

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    • Carol
      8 years ago

      Sarah, I mostly agree with what you said, but do somewhat take exception to your statement about only dating people you see yourself possibly marrying. I married when I got out of college, and was still a virgin (as was my husband). He wasn’t the first person I dated, and I don’t regret previous boyfriends or dates, some of whom I probably never envisioned myself marrying even when I went out with them.

      I was equipped with my beliefs about purity, which stemmed from my faith. I had no intentions of doing anything more than kissing, and even then, certainly not with every boy I dated. I learned a lot about myself from the dates and boyfriends I had along the way to my husband that helped me ultimately choose him. Some of those ‘relationships’ were simply because the companionship was nice and convenient, and I think we both knew we would drift apart when changes in schools, etc., parted us. I figured out how important some things were to me when earlier boyfriends *didn’t* exhibit qualities that I came to recognize as important.

      Some of the dearest, most faithful couples I know tell the stories of how they came to be couples, and often I hear one or the other partner say that they were not initially interested in their spouse. One young wife says her husband asked her out for weeks and she continued to say no because he didn’t look like the guy she had always pictured herself marrying. Finally she agreed to one date, after which he said he would quit asking. But on that date, she realized that he was just a pretty impressive guy. A year later they were headed down the aisle.

      So personally, I don’t think it’s necessary to put a total prohibition on any and all dating other than with men you see as potential husbands. Sometimes you don’t know until you go on a date or two. It’s sweet to know that someone sees you as a special person, even if he doesn’t end up as your husband. The key, IMHO, is to honor the God that made you by not behaving in such a way that His code of conduct is violated, and to maintain purity until marriage.

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      • Sarah
        8 years ago

        Carol, thank you for responding! I love hearing other’s opinions (:
        First, I would like to point out that I said, “although it worked for me, it doesn’t mean it will work for everyone.” I understand that my “dating techniques,” if you want to call it that, may be good for me, but that doesn’t mean they’re right for everyone. So I do agree with you about that.
        & I guess I should have clarified what I meant by that statement.
        I definitely agree that you should give chances! Try a few dates, see how things go! How will you know if you don’t give them a chance? I just wanted to point out that, for some, dating has lost its meaning.
        Last year, I started dating this guy.. He was cute, we had fun together.. We were happy.. but we had an expiration date. He had plans to move to NY, & I had plans to move to FL. We knew after graduation, we would have to say goodbye. Sure, we had fun & I enjoyed being in his company, but I had no desire to marry & move away with him. After casually discussing our “5 year plans” at dinner one night, I realized there was no place for me in his, or him in mine. That’s when I decided to end it. Continuing to date would have only made me feel more attached, & it would have been completely heartbreaking to leave each other. That’s what I meant by you should date people you see yourself marrying. I gave things a try, & I didn’t see myself marrying him, so I ended it.
        I believe the point of dating is to find who you’re compatible with & see if you want to spend your life with them. That’s the point I was trying to make. (:

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        • Carol
          8 years ago

          That all makes sense, Sarah!

          I know several girls who really do have a rule about only dating the person they plan to marry, ever, period. And their plan is for their first kiss to be on their wedding day. I certainly don’t think that that’s wrong, but I do think that standard is higher than God’s. What I’ve witnessed is other girls listening to the super-pure set talk about their life plans, and then other girls who are also wholesome start to see themselves as unable to measure up to that other standard because they have had a boyfriend already… even if all they ever did was hold hands.

          I’m a mom with a college-age daughter, and have watched her struggle with jumping into the ‘boy scene’ after years of hearing only voices from the ‘uber-pure’ side. Again – I absolutely don’t think it’s bad or wrong to set that standard. It’s binding it on others that worries me when I see it. It’s an areas God is silent about (the idea of *how* married people ‘find each other’ I mean) and so I hate to see good, wholesome girls feeling ‘less than’ when they didn’t do anything sinful, and I hate to see daughters like mine feel rather betrayed after refusing to have any interest in boys until college because she was trying to be wholesome, only to end up in college and find out there actually ARE wholesome girls who went on dates. And now she feels handicapped in the midst of a lot of girls who are very comfortable around boys, while she is not.

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  26. 8 years ago

    Kindergarden boyfriends ARE cute. Seems a little weird and overly fearful to view them as anything but sweet and yes, cute. What would be a mistake is to make a huge deal out of it as a parent- either by approving of it too much or disapproving of it too much. I’d let my daughter decide how long she wants to be friends with him. Let her learn to trust her own instincts and judgement. Forbid something and automatically you make it more attractive.

    As a mother of boys I take offense to your assumption that boys will “spout words of the devil”, or do whatever else it takes, to get physical with a girl. Wow. That’s a bit of a blanket statement. There are plenty of boys who respect a girl’s boundaries, either because it’s just their nature, or because they’ve been taught to by their parents to do so.

    Speaking of blanket statements, not all girls sit passively and get preyed upon by boys. Both my boys have had girls call our house repeatedly (before they had cell phones) and now they are older they get suggestive texts and snapchats from girls they barely know. My boys find it creepy and a little laughable. I think they’d prefer the company of girls they know well and are friends with verses girls they barely know throwing themselves at them.

    Rather than fear this generation of kids, I’ll choose to believe God has wonderful plans for them all. My boys are teenagers now and I really love what I see among their friends. They are very close, thanks to the technology they’ve grown up with, very supportive of each other and have a very keen sense of justice. I’ll continue to teach my boys well, knowing they’re not perfect angels, and pray that mothers out there of both girls and boys do the same. Not all boys are horny evil predators and not all girls are innocent victims.

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    • Sarah
      8 years ago

      I wish there was a ‘like’ button for this comment!
      I replied to a comment earlier stating that it is not taught often enough that girls have these desires, too. Everyone always makes the statement that girls want love & boys want sex. Sometimes, it’s the other way around. This also leaves boys thinking that even though they don’t necessarily want it, they need it because, well, they’re a guy! & this leaves some girls (like myself) thinking there is something wrong when they have these desires.

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    • Heather
      8 years ago

      My son had a “girlfriend” in kindergarten. It was cute until he came home with a note from her. She had written him a note asking him to kiss her and grab her butt, and she asked when they were going to have sex. I saw the note before he had an opportunity to read it, and reported the situation to his teacher. My son attended a very good school with a waiting list to attend. It doesn’t matter how nice the school is. You never know what the other kids in school have been exposed to.
      My kids now know they are not old enough/ready to date, and that is their response when another child wants a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with them. Honestly, I think having a set answer relieves some of the pressure, because they don’t really want to deal with a romantic relationship at this point in their lives. I’ve never made a huge deal out of it when another child wants to be boyfriend/girlfriend, but those situations have been good conversation starters about the purpose of relationships.

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  27. 8 years ago

    This article would be applauded in any synagogue or mosque or temple. There’s no gospel in it; nothing distinctively Christian.

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  28. Caitlin
    8 years ago

    I am deeply offended by your implying that girls who have sex outside of marriage must have been raised by horrible parents who praised her for promiscuity at a young age.

    I am 25 years old, and when I was 17, I had sex for the first time, outside of marriage. What you need to know is that I was raised in a Christian home with parents who loved me and loved each other. I saw a great marriage and partnership between my parents all my life. I was not allowed to date AT ALL until I was 16 years old. Any boy that wanted to date me had to meet my parents first. I had hobbies that I loved – I was heavily involved in the choir at church and school, I was in honor’s courses, and had been through a “True Love Waits” seminar. I knew, without a doubt, that premarital sex was wrong according to God’s standards.

    However, unbeknownst to my parents, I gave my virginity to my long-term boyfriend at his house, where his parents allowed us to be in his room alone. This had absolutely NOTHING to do with my parents. NOTHING. It was a personal decision that I made as a young woman who knew better.

    Thanks to the Godly woman my amazing mother is, I made a new commitment to my relationship with God and my purity. I have been a “born-again virgin” (though I hate that term) for two years now, and I will not have sex again until I am married to the man God has planned for me. For the record, I have never had an STD or a pregnancy. While I know that the terrible decision I made is going to affect my future relationships and (eventually) my marriage, I have faith that God has forgiven me and will bless my choice to follow his commandments from here forward. With God, I can overcome anything.

    I guess the best thing about this situation is a promise God made us all in Exodus – “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” As much as I want to go on and on about this to defend my wonderful upbringing, I know that God fights for me and knows my heart and my mother’s heart. I pray that your heart will be softened to see that your sweeping generalizations are hurtful to many.

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    • sarah
      8 years ago

      Your comment is great. You’ve most definitely experience the true love of Christ. This is the perfect example of how those that have given themselves up before marriage should not be looked down upon! I love that you’ve made a new commitment! You understand both God’s grace & God’s holiness. I pray many blessings on your life & future marriage! I know God is not disgusted with you… He looks on you with love & joy.

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    • mary99
      8 years ago

      I think your boyfriend’s parents, who allowed the two of you to be alone in his room, would be who this author would be talking to with her point #1. In a situation I observed, it was the girl’s mother who allowed her daughter to entertain the boyfriend in her bedroom. As I told the young man, “The centerpiece of every bedroom is the bed. Sitting on the bed to watch movies soon becomes lying on the bed…and the rest will be history.” Any Christian parent who allows “dating” in bedrooms should read this article. And I agree about dress. I encounter college students who say they are Christians who dress like prostitutes. But I differ on the last point. My mother was wise in saying to pray about marriage and children and seek God’s will, but not to assume you know it automatically. Perhaps we should be raising problem solvers, not princesses. A problem solver can figure out how to get the oil changed without having to do it herself.

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  29. 8 years ago

    Thank you for a great discussion-starting post. I added to the discussion at my site. As the father of four and one who has struggled with my own wrong choices, I am passionate about preparing my kids to be adults . This is one of the tougher areas to prepare them in our culture.

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  30. Lee Roepke
    8 years ago

    Actually extensive studies have been done asking about the lifestyles of young women who have sex early and those who wait. Many Studies.

    The only proven thing the majority of young women who wait have in common:

    A male adult whom they are close too and have open, trust filled communication.

    These other things are good for being a reasonable role model, but they need good male role models in their lives or that other stuff doesn’t matter.

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  31. George
    8 years ago

    The tone of this article is distressingly anti-male. The best remedy for this problem is a Godly father or male figure in her life – who is openly respected by her mother (or female role figure) and who shows respect for women in return

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  32. Chantel
    8 years ago

    I feel like this message is more damaging than any Disney movie. What about forgiveness? We can do our best and be a good example to our kids. They are going to come across the world and we need to teach them how to handle it. Putting them in a bubble will only make it more enticing. Worse, our babies may be afraid to come to us when they need advice or guidance because they are scared we will judge , punish, or be disgusted by natural curiosity.
    My values didn’t come from the movies I watched. My self worth came from my loving parents who taught me not to sell myself short and to find someone who values me as a person enough to wait.
    This post is anything but loving. It is judgmental and not even realistic. It sounds ridiculous even to me, a Christian born and raised with very conservative values.

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    • Carol
      8 years ago

      Chantel, I think you missed her intent entirely. She’s not advocating putting kids in a bubble. A bubble would be refusing to allow the child to have a life. This author just doesn’t think it’s healthy for moms to get emotionally invested in wanting to see her daughter experience ‘romance’ before it’s a healthy time for her daughter to do so.

      I think an important thing to remember is that any one article doesn’t have to present all truths to be valid. Yes, there are times kids will need forgiveness if they cross a line they shouldn’t have. That’s part of the package, too. But what I think the author was trying to convey was that little girls are more likely to grow up to be big girls who violate sexual boundaries when their moms start pushing them towards romance too early.

      It’s all true. Moms need to act like adults and not lovestruck people reliving their own puppy love phases through their children. And children need to understand that when they mess up, there is a path to forgiveness. The two aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s just that this article isn’t about *both* of those things. It’s just about moms and their behavior. And that, as a topic by itself, is just fine.

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  33. Curious
    8 years ago

    Instead of going through each of your points and stating how I am in almost entire disagreement, let it be suffice to say that, in reference to your title “Why Our Daughters are Having Sex” — it is because they are females, humans, mammals, organisms…etc. It is natural and normal. Besides, are these little ladies you’re referencing going to be somebody’s daughter, somebody’s “baby,” when they are grown, married, and having sex?

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    • Mariah
      8 years ago

      Everyone will have sex at some point. I wish I wrote what “Curious” said verbatim. Why is it that sex for girls is always shameful? My goodness this article is drivel.

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    • gretgret
      8 years ago

      Its quite simple as parents always know where your kids are and what they are doing and who they are doing it with. Secondly Boys and girls are not allowed to be alone. It sounds like the boys are getting All the blame. Girls are also taught inadvertently that they will keep the boyfriend if they give them sex. There have been time when girls initiate it. Let’s face it teenagers are kids with adult bodies. Don’t expect them to behave or act like adults. PUT on the Brakes parents, SUPERVISION

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      • Madelyn
        8 years ago

        This is just stupid, I’m sure your child, if you have one, is the most rebellious child. I’m sorry but that thinking is ignorant, because trust me if your child, want to be alone with a guy, they will find a way. Trust me, this whole post gets my blood boiling because it is the same, push this down your throat, and blam your child for doing what they have done unstead of using simple logic. But no……let’s blame the devil, because he is the reason you are sinning, What are we the town from footloose?!?!?! I feel sorry for all the children that have parents that believe 100% in this post because they are being mislead. I believe in God, an trying to do right in his eyes, but he knows we are human and we are going to stupid stuff that he doesn’t agree with but please if you don’t agree with me go get your bible which I’m sure you keep close by, and turn to John 8:7 when the town was about to stone a women of adultery, what was it that Jesus said, “Let him who is without sin among you cast the first stone.” I mean isn’t that what adultery really is, having sex before marriage, or more than one person. So please stop with all the BS and learn to talk to your child.

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        • c
          8 years ago

          Madelyn…your post is unnecessarily angry…and it’s full of contradictions….First of all….what did Jesus tell the woman at the well? In case you dont keep YOUR bible next to you…He told her her sins were forgiven and GO AND SIN NO MORE. Your blood gets ‘boiling’ because someone is sharing ideas about keeping their kids from the heartache of premarital sex? A little dramatic. “Push down your throat” is a buzzword from hostile non-believers. No one pushed anything down your throat..Unless you were held down and forced to read the article which quite clearly ‘blames’ mothers for allowing their daughters to dress immodestly and too old for their age and a lackadaisical attitude about boyfriend relationships…. You said you believe in God and try to do the right thing….yet end with a potty mouth diatribe about the whole article…The writer of the article is also trying to do the right thing….The right thing is not to have premarital sex- as YOU pointed out.. Too many young girls have broken hearts at tender ages, out of wedlock pregnancies too young and live in poverty for the rest of their lives….there is nothing wrong in someone expressing their opinion with ideas of how to prevent it.

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  34. 8 years ago

    The amount of condescension and tunnel visioned logic in this post makes me just chuckle while I shake my head in shame. The post starts with an incorrect premise… that every American child is a middle class white mom blogging mini-van driving, 2 more bedrooms than you actually need, got a trophy for not even trying kid. The post does nothing to even identify reality and the various and difficult issues attached to contraception, promiscuity, and purity culture. News Flash: no two Christian denominations handle these issues the same way.

    The “solutions” proposed border on insulting, because the premise is so flawed to start with. And never mind the science, you know, the evil opposite of the ultra-conservative politico….. sorry, I mean conservative Christian. The science shows that access to birth control, proper sex education, and building community helps prevent abortion, reduce pregnancy, and create a foundation for improved and successful lives for young girls.

    Thank goodness that Elvis only made up that “In the ghetto” song, because everybody is a conservative white middle class Christian family… looking perfect on the inside while being rotten at the core.

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  35. ScorpGal
    8 years ago

    Why not raise your daughter to have a positive, healthy attitude toward her own sexuality? You’ll find this is a much better approach.

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  36. Caleb McKelvey
    8 years ago

    Yikes. This is extremely creepy.

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  37. Cinder
    8 years ago

    Talk about condescension and tunnel vision. Your own comment is all over the place; makes no sense except that you are hijacking the issue to bring it into political context. The faux error “ultra-conservative” remark showed me exactly what you wanted to say in an instant. The ‘Elvis -ghetto’ song remark is juvenile at best and designed to use trending political tactics of race and poverty to make your case.

    We get it , we get it! Some of you people aren’t down with Christianity or it’s principles of sexual purity before marriage. The fact is, we are here….we will teach our children about sexual purity, we will teach them to try and live not of the world but in it. The meddling and true condescension of unbelievers will not deter us. Articles such as this are not dissertations. It’s one persons opinion to a problem that has been studied and debated long before women got equal rights. The objectification of girls starts very early in her life. This writer believes it gets encouraged in the home. As a transplant to the South, I was surprised when my girls entered public school. Most of the kids h ad dated every available person of the opposite gender by the time they graduated middle school. Some were sexually active at that time.

    This piece is an article designed to provoke thinking about young girls and how to best serve them and maybe prevent broken hearts too early in there young lives. Its not a sinister, evil plot dreamed up by the ‘Ultra-conservative’ movement. People need to stop defending or offending to try and justify their own lifestyles. If it’s not your cup o’ tea….move on.

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  38. Sara
    8 years ago

    I don’t have kids, but I think there is a slight difference between your child having a boyfriend and prostituting them out (I guess I thought the verse was a little extreme for this context). How about having an open dialogue with kids about sex? Explain to them how to protect themselves and why you think they should wait to have sex (if you feel that way about it). I sometimes think kids are denied sex education because their parents feel awkward talking to them about it.

    It’s biology. Deal with it.

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    • 8 years ago

      The circumstances aren’t the same in Leviticus. Absolutely. But sometimes I think we forget the things God has said in the New Covenant: Gal 5:19-21; 1 Cor 6:18 & 1 Cor 7:2.

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      • Sara
        8 years ago

        So why not just quote the New Covenent?

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        • Sara
          8 years ago

          *Covenant

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        • 8 years ago

          Well, I just did. I also think there is value in the Old Law it is our tutor to the new covenant. Gal 3:24

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          • Sara
            8 years ago

            Uh, I meant in the original post obviously. Sorry but the verse you quoted is ridiculously extreme, almost laughably so. If that’s the kind of verse you want to pull out to compare to teenage dating I really don’t even know what to say to you. Just makes me glad I’m no longer a par of organized Christianity, really. Good luck to you in your efforts to completely shelter your kids from the real world though. Hope it doesn’t backfire on you.

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          • 8 years ago

            Now, I get it. You are hostile toward Jesus and the Word of God. I’m sorry. I believe and trust every word he has saved in the scriptures. I have been give salvation. I cherish every drop of grace he has washed me with. That is the reason I serve him and teach the whole counsel of truth. I am not sheltered. My children are not sheltered. There are many things we have experience that I wish I could have sheltered them from. I pray in the Spirit for my children every day and I trust God to cover my mistakes with his mercy.

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          • Sara
            8 years ago

            I”m not hostile towards Jesus at all. I think Jesus was an amazing person with an inspiring message, I’m hostile towards Christianity, the often confusing and damaging religion that has sprung up after the death of Jesus, become institutionalized and brainwashed people into believing all sorts of nonsensical things that don’t make sense in the real world. You are sheltered. Your kids are too if you are teaching them this crap. You just equated a teenage girl having a boyfriend with prostitution, You sound like a lunatic. And the only reason you can’t see that is because you are so entrenched in your own lunacy. Seriously, good luck with that.

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          • 8 years ago

            How do you know if I am sheltered? Or my children? How do you know if I have “institutionalized” my Savior? You have made ill-informed conclusions about me and my family. As for Jesus, He had an inspiring message- YES!! But he also says he is going to send a lot of people to hell. Mt. 7:13. I’m keeping in real. Please don’t misrepresent his message.

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  39. Sara
    8 years ago

    P.S. Teens today are actually having far less sex than their parents’ generation (though this varies by area) thanks to sex ed and the awareness of STDs. But Christians can’t understand life unless they believe the world to be in some horrific downhill spiral from those good ol’ days (I think were called the dark ages)

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    • 8 years ago

      I’m not sure about your experiences or how many Christians you know, but your stereotypes don’t fit the Christ followers that I know.

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      • Sara
        8 years ago

        Lady, I hate to break it to you, but you are the embodiment of ever negative stereotype about Christians that exists.

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        • 8 years ago

          I am quite sorry for the way things have gone here. I sent you a private apology via your email.

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          • Sara
            8 years ago

            Totally unnecessary, but okay.

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  40. 8 years ago

    My problem here is that we say girls are giving away purity to horny teenage boys. This does not at all address the sexuality of girls and their own desires and the importance of discussing with them how good it feels to be touched and to touched and why it feels good and how to avoid situations where things can go further than you want. I am tired of it being “the horny boys” fault. I remember being 15 and knowing how it felt to make out. I wasn’t a statue. I wasn’t boy crazy, but I wasn’t made of stone.

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  41. Sara
    8 years ago

    Excellent !! Spot on. Love this!

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    • 8 years ago

      This is a hard teaching to even get out. Thank you for the encouragement.

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  42. 8 years ago

    DISAGREEMENT ALERT: I am an eighteen year old Christian girl who has been raised in a Christian family. This article is offensive to me in the fact that you think we are being misled by our parents. We as teenage girls aren’t stupid. We know that sex before marriage was not intended. We can come to that conclusion on our own. Your quote “We need to stop putting our children into adult situations and expecting them to make wise, God honoring decisions” I want to laugh at. We aren’t going to live under rocks all our lives. Sure, I believe that sheltering from worldly things is best, but you can’t remove us from any situations. God instills a gift in a teenage girl to “sniff out” the bad guy wanting us just for our bodies. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of three months. Funny thing is, I knew he liked me and pursued me for my personality. Over a three and a half month period, there was plenty of times for us to make-out or get “to it”, but you know what? The only thing he ever did was kiss me on the cheek for our Valentine’s dinner. I think in this article you have turned us into sex-crazed animals that can’t function without our parents putting us in chastity belts. I have an intuition of the right guy from the wrong guy. Just last week, my friend Snapchat “booty called” me. I have had the biggest crush on him forever and have wanted nothing more than to date him. But when he asked me if I wanted to come over because he wanted someone to have sex with, I said no. My mom didn’t find out until today what happened and how I handled it. So thank you very much, but I can remove my own self from sexual situations, because us “clueless and gullible” teenage girls you mistake us for were once you. Have you ever thought that maybe a teenage girl’s sexual curiosity’s are because parents treat sex as such a taboo thing. My parents are willing to talk with me when I have questions, and frankly, I’m about as unfiltered as it comes. They are open and honest about it, divulging me the appropriate details and being transparent in their love for one another. In this article, if you are discouraging talking about sex, as I read you are, you are only allowing our curiosity for it to grow. The unknown is what makes it exciting and tempting for us. So before you want to say that we can’t handle it and we need to be “rescued” from all our sinnin’. Check yourselves and ask if you are being completely transparent about sex. Because it’s a natural and beautiful thing God made. And I’m perfectly content making my own decisions. And by the way, I’m still a virgin and I have survived my youth years without my parents having to remove me from ANY situation. Thank you very much.

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  43. Dave
    8 years ago

    Any writer that fails to understand that girls are just as likely to be the sexual aggressor in our society as boys, is out of touch with reality and has a dated view of American culture. We cannot continue to say to our girls “protect yourself” and to our boys “shame on you little horny monster.” We must address both genders with the same messages – that God designed sex to be a wonderful gift between you and your spouse – anything else is twisting God’s plan and will leave you hurt.

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    • 8 years ago

      Read the next one brother.

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      • Dave
        8 years ago

        Thanks for pointing that out.

        I am still concerned by the language used in these articles to describe boys and girls.
        Boys = horny hormonal, regurgitate the lies of the devil
        Girls = daughters of the King

        I have both a girl and a boy, I am a man and grew up with 4 sisters, and I have been a youth pastor for 18 years. Girls have been “empowered” to be just as horny and hormonal as boys.

        “Protect our sons from girls who will aggressively pursue and offer themselves.”

        Is not the same type of language used to describe the boys.

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        • 8 years ago

          I definitely agree there are female aggressors. Proverbs is loaded with warnings about them. I guess because I’m not a recovering aggressor I write with a slant toward my experiences. I will be more aware of that going forward.

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        • 8 years ago

          Fair assessment!

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  44. 8 years ago

    There are good movies (Pamelas’ prayer and One lucky lady) and good Bible study (Understanding true love) that help youngsters to think about these issues.

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  45. Maddie
    8 years ago

    First let me just say teens are going to have sex if we like it or not, and it’s not always at a young age, but we are seeing more and more teens doing this so young, which is sad. With that being said I don’t feel like this post is sending the best message on how to deal with this situation, teens are going to act out more trying to be forced by parents to do something that they don’t want to do, I have seen it first hand. I also don’t think we should shove the word of God down teens throat to much, most teens do not give a crap about what the bible says at their age because they are going to do what they want, then worry about it later. I just don’t think saying ” you need to repent unholy child, for you have done a sin in his eyes and are now unclean” is the best way to handle the situation. There is a way to talk to your kids about purity in gods eyes but don’t say god will think you unholy in taking a part in this act. I only say this because a family that is very close to mine, did the same thing with every single thing they did, talking about gods word for when they sneezed, and they are the most rebellious teens I know. Moving on, learn how to trust your kids, you have to teach them how to be trusting which is very easy, don’t get strict on your kids, and call them every hour asking where they are, when they start getting into early stages of puberty, etc. teach them to be honset with you, let them know how upset you get when they lie, and don’t yell at them, don’t make them do 10 Hail Marys, kids feel more guilty when their parents are disappointed in them, then being angry, in their mind they think they are adults and feel like they have to be treated as such, sit down with them, talk with them about how it upset you that they lied, just talk first! Ask them why they thought they felt the need to lie to you, after you talk then you can ground them for however long you want, if they try to scream and yell when you are talking to them send them to their room and let them calm down, and tell them I will speak with you when you address me in an adult matter, teens tend to listen and be less stupid when we have are emotions in control. Same goes for you, if you do end up yelling at your child, let yourself calm down and then ask to talk to your child again. Now in order for your child to be trusting and honest is to, give them the chance to be trusting, don’t call them every hour, asking what they are doing, they teen I would hang out from that family, mom and dad would call her every hour and she would lie each time, I even asked her why don’t you just tell her what you are doing? She said she doesn’t want to trust me anyway so why tell her the truth. Lastly talk with your kids about sex and boys, they are going to figure it out anyway so might as well be from you, but be truthful about what boys want at that age, and the risks and how it could change their life’s and let them know they are worth so much better than that. My mother when I was a teen took a day out of both of are schedules, and all we did was talk about boys, the birds, and the bees. Talk to them about it when they ask about it, don’t just bring it up over the dinner table, you can talk about it again when they have that first boyfriend. Don’t let them tread out in open water with out least giving them a paddle. Look we all were teens once, we remember how it was to be a teen, we can’t prevent teens for having sex, or saving them selfs for marriage, even in the 1800’s teens where having sex, it’s just not a normal thing any more, but let them know to save themselves for someone to truly love and care about, and to not feel pressed into doing something, that is not for them. Look all I’m saying is get to know your kids, that is the problem with today, parents don’t try to get to know their kids, parents it’s not like it’s the Scientific method. Also we all find are path to God in are own way when we need him the most and when we ask for his help, so don’t force someone on the path to God when they are not ready to take that path. My mother did all this with me and I have never done drugs, got out partying all the time, I didn’t lie, always told my mother what I was doing with out her even asking me, and I saved myself for someone special, and I was very happy with my choice. All this is, is gettting to know your child.

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  46. bekki smith
    8 years ago

    How about expanding her horizon to things other than sitting pretty – see if she likes math, engineering, volunteering for the needy, sewing and giving her creation away to those who cannot do for themselves. While we must protect their purity, teach daughters that the world needs their beauty in the form of God loving people who have hearts to serve. See if she wants to join the military and fight for the freedoms of our country. Engage her passionate, smart mind! Give her confidence in her God, and confidence in her ability to be intelligent.

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  47. Collins
    8 years ago

    http://biblehub.com/genesis/19-8.htm God has not always thought highly of our daughters. He praised Lot as a righteous man, even after he offered up his virgin daughters to gang rape. How about we just raise them better instead of looking to an archaic book written by men that doesn’t always hold women in the highest regard?

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  48. sadmama
    8 years ago

    Great article! I also have to add, however, that my husband and I did all those things you mentioned, and two of our daughters still made immoral choices in their twenties. While they walked closely with God, they were living a godly life. The change came when they began to desire worldly amusements , which drew them to unsaved guys. That became the priority, and the Lord took second place. Just adding this so that parents who have done their best to rear godly chilren don’t beat themselves up. Even God Himself has children who rebel.

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  49. kara
    8 years ago

    I always told my daughter, through elementary school, that she was too young for boyfriends, and, luckily, at 13 she is in no-way boy-crazy. She was asked to be little boys’ “girlfriend” in elementary school and she would say, “We don’t have boyfriends and girlfriends in this school…we’re all friends.” She is starting now to become interested in boys, but we are always mindful to be open for conversation and to make our expectations clear. No dating until high school and then at our discretion.

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  50. Doug Pieritz
    8 years ago

    two of my favorite quotes.

    “Boys learn from their mistakes….Girls pay for their mistakes.”

    “Boys pretend at love to get sex….Girls pretend at sex to get love.”

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  51. Linda
    8 years ago

    I know a family whose 5-year-old daughter went on a ‘date’ with a boy from kindergarten. They went to McDonald’s, he brought her a flower, the boy’s mother was there the entire time and paid for both kids’ meals. In telling this story, most people react with ‘how cute.’ I don’t think it’s cute at all…it’s scary! What does this dear sweet 5-year-old have to look forward to? She’s already been on a date, so when she gets to dating age, that will be old hat to her.

    I also see a problem with parents who take their preschoolers for mani/pedis, let them enjoy non-alcoholic versions of alcoholic drinks, and dress them in the latest teenage fashion. I’m not talking about a once-in-a-while treat, I’m talking about a regular event, something that becomes part of their lives. It grows them up too quickly and when they get to the age where these things are (or used to become) appropriate, they are looking for bigger and better things.

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  52. Anne-Marie
    8 years ago

    It seems many have missed the key ingredient in what is influencing young women. It has nothing to do with changing oil or being a biblical little girl. It has EVERYTHING to do with how Mom responded to her daughter’s relationships with boys. From the story above Mom taught her daughter that relationships with boys are the end all be all of life. While it’s true that those relationships are an important part of life did Mom oooh and aaaah over other aspects of her daughter’s development?

    I’ve heard moms says things to their daughters that indicate that the primary purpose in life is to find the right man. I’ve heard other women in authority speak the same way. And then wonder why young girls end up hopping from guy to guy. It’s what they’ve been trained to do. Sadly, it’s what so many moms are doing.

    Notice she didn’t tell her mom when she had sex. If mom took too many pictures and told her to kiss a lot of frogs it’s no wonder this young girl did not turn to mom.

    Just my 2 cents worth. Take it or leave it.

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  53. James
    6 years ago

    For starters, let’s not forget nature. A girl is only a girl until she hits puberty, then she becomes a sex object, and every male that she meets for the rest of her life will want to get in her pants. Purity ring be damned, make sure that she understands what reproductive urges are, and how her body works, because boys aren’t the only horny teenagers out there. Slut-shaming and abstinence only programs just don’t work. Make sure she’s armed with real world info. Sooner or later, she’s going to have sex. Hopefully, later. Make sure she knows what she’s getting into.

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  54. Marcus Tiro
    5 years ago

    You have some good thoughts here, but quoting OT verses out of context won’t solve anything. Should today’s Christians should also follow the other Jewish laws in Lev. 19? And how, exactly, is a girl who has premarital sex becoming a “prostitute”? Those are not at all the same things, are they? Besides, there are plenty of New Testament verses that teach against inappropriate sex, such as 1 Thess. 4.3-4, which says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable.” Verses like this will help today’s kids much more than an OT verse that has no connection to 21st-century life. I mean no disrespect, but offer these thoughts sincerely as a friend and fellow-believer.

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  55. Anon
    3 years ago

    And if girls look at pornography and at men with lust, they are stigmatized even more. It’s like saying that women are visual prostitutes who deserve to be chastised by rape because men are not sex objects. Women are not allowed to have lustful desires for men. Look at how Playgirl magazine destroys women.

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Serena
8 years ago 128 Comments Christ-followers & Culture, Dating, Fatherhood, Kids, Marriage, Motherhood, Parenting, Sex, Teen Issues, , , , 68,909