A Wordy Woman

Just Let Me Cry

May 15, 2013 by Serena 1 Comment

There are moments in my journey of grief that I feel self-inflicted pressure to show strength and resolve. There are moments that I feel the pressure of others speaking a false strength into me.

It will be alright.
You are a strong woman.
God is with you.

But the fact is, there are moments I don’t want to be strong. I don’t want things to be alright. And knowing and believing that God is with him or me doesn’t make the pain invisible.

Yesterday I heard this song. It speaks to those moments of my life when I want to tell the world around me:

For now just let me cry…

For now just let me lie…

For now just let me be…

Filed Under: Christian Life, Death and Dying, Matters of the Heart Tagged With: grieving

A New Mother’s Day: Honoring Their Birth Mom

May 10, 2013 by Serena 1 Comment

As the transitions in my life continue I keep facing new things that I never anticipated. Through steps of grief coupled with a rapidly approaching adoption, nothing seems like old hat these days. It’s all new to me.

One new piece of our life will now be the biological family of our soon-to-be son and daughter. Our kids were taken from their family about two years ago and had regular visits until just a few months ago. They know their roots.

Their mom isn’t a birth mom she’s just Mom. Their dad isn’t a birth father. He is Dad.

As we approach this Mother’s Day my heart is drawn to their mom. Maybe by choice or maybe by imposed circumstances she does not have her children. She will not have a Mother’s Day dinner or celebration with her children. Whether or not it is what is best, it’s still hard for her and her children.

So as I navigate this new dynamic in our family here’s some things God has gently place on my heart:

1. Find ways to honor their mother.

I read this a few weeks ago somewhere and I just keep meditating on this thought. I honor her because she chose life. She could have aborted her pregnancies, but she didn’t. She carried those babies full-term and gave them life. Beautiful life. I am honored to love and protect her children.

2. Follow the lead of my kids.

I’m not sure where they are emotionally. I’m still not sure what is safest for them yet. But I am open and ready to listen to their hearts and let God show us the way. I am ready to help them navigate through difficult emotions and encourage love and forgiveness around each turn.

3. Pray for her.

No matter what the future holds, she is loved fiercely by the God who made her. My hearts desire is for her to know true love and true forgiveness that ultimately comes from having an experience with Jesus. May her soul find rest.

Filed Under: Adoption, Christian Life, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff Tagged With: birth families

Dear Naysayers, Shhh!

May 9, 2013 by Serena 17 Comments

Pure and genuine religion is this.

If the Lord wills, this fall we will be the parents and caregivers of eight children, 6 biological and 2 adopted.

We have heard all the criticism masked as concern. Ok well, maybe not everyone has had the guts to speak their “concern” but here’s a few I’ve heard already.

What if you run out of money?
What if the kids don’t get a long?
Can you handle it?
What if it all falls apart?
What if there are problems with their biological family?
It’s a big job.
That’s a lot of kids.
Is that too much responsibility?
How will you feed them and clothe them?

Well, I came across this line from the Christian Alliance For Orphans, who hosted an adoption summit in Nashville over the weekend.

“Taking on the characteristics of the Father to the fatherless…You’re not crazy and don’t back down…Uniting under the gospel to demonstrate the gospel.”

When I read those lines up there, those “concerns” are dirt. I am eternally motivated to take on the characteristics of my Father to the fatherless. I am roused to demonstrate the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ that saved me. I get to do that for the rest of my life to two children. Maybe it IS crazy but I want to do something the world thinks is crazy. And I want to do it in the name of Jesus, to show his power to perfectly orchestrate and design my life.

And I wonder if the contemporaries of my heroes of faith thought they were crazy too.

Was it crazy for Moses to challenge the King of Egypt? Was it crazy for young David to challenge Goliath? Was it crazy for Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to challenge the authority of a blood-thirsty King? Was it crazy for Mary to challenge the customs of her people and agree to open her womb to Immanuel?

Is it crazy for me to balk at my materialistic, selfish culture and raise 8 kids? I hope so.

When I look into they eyes of my two children who have lost their parents, their home, their life, honestly, money doesn’t matter. What are their lives in comparison to money? If we have to go with less, we will. If we have to sell our stuff, we will. If there are problems, we will deal with them. And if it all falls apart, we will watch God rebuild it.

At the end of all my fears I find faith. Faith in the promises and truth of my Father. All those concerns melt when matched up to the truth of God. The Book is filled with truth that cannot be undone, even in the face of fear and concern.

It is more blessed to give than to receive. (Acts 20:35)
Defend the orphan. (Psalm 10:14)
Blessed are the merciful. (Mt. 5:7)
Do to others what you would like them to do to you. (Mt. 7:12)
Don’t worry about clothes and food. (Mt. 6:25-36)

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans… in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. James 1:27

Today I choose pure and genuine religion. Today I choose to care for children in their distress. Today I refuse to let the world and its earthly thinking corrupt me. So if you are a naysayer, please… SHHH!

Filed Under: Adoption, Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff Tagged With: adoption, faith

Fears About Adoption

May 6, 2013 by Serena 6 Comments

“Adoption … is greater than the universe … Adoption was part of God’s plan. It was his idea, his purpose. It was not an afterthought. He didn’t discover one day that against his plan and foreknowledge humans had sinned and orphaned themselves in the world, and then come up with the idea of adopting them into his family. No, Paul says, he predestined adoption. He planned it.” – John Piper

Adoption is greater than the universe. Maybe that’s why, as the day draws closer, my own insecurities grow. In 12 days we add a 10 year-old son and a 12 year-old daughter to the five biological children living at home. And in some moments it feels bigger than the universe.

In my quiet moments my head swirls with fears.

What if they don’t love me?
What if we can’t meet their needs emotionally or even physically?
What if they want to go back home?
What if the pull to the biological family is greater than the pull to us?
What if we have trouble bonding?
What if they kids don’t bond?
What if there are behavior issues we don’t know about?
What if, what if, what if….

What if I surrender all my fears and “what-if’s” to a God who said this:

And why have I called you for this work? Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? It is for the sake of … my chosen one. I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don’t even know me, so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. Is. 45:4-5

What if I trust that God called me to this work before I even knew his name? What if I trust that this is for the sake of his chosen children? What if I trust that there is no other God? And that God equipped me for this mission when I was still a wanderer? What if this same God has already worked out all the details so that the world will know that he is God?

If I trust THAT… well I’d say everything will be just fine.

Today I choose to take my fear, anxiety, worry and trepidation to that God. Today I choose to trust that he has called me to this and he has equipped me for it long before I knew this day was coming. Today I will step in confidence that the Lord, God the Almighty has got me covered.

Now may the God of peace— who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen. Heb. 13:20-21

Filed Under: Adoption, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff Tagged With: adoption

Adopted As Sons and Daughters

May 2, 2013 by Serena 2 Comments

“Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.” Galatians 5:25

I may have said it here or somewhere else. I feel like this season of my life is less walking in the Spirit and more eyes- blindfolded-on- a-raft- down-a-river in the Spirit. Don’t get me wrong, my control issues pop up every now and then, but I am really learning to take my hands off the wheel and let my Father have his way.

That way has led us to an exciting and somewhat scary change for our family.

Through some pretty amazing circumstances, the Lord has placed 2 orphan children at our door and asked if we will let them in. We said yes.

In just a few weeks we will be adding a 10 year-old son and a 12 year-old daughter to our mix.

I have been asked if I think I’m up for it. Which is a fair question I guess. I realize I am still in a time of grieving. I am pregnant and expecting a newborn in November. But I also totally believe that God will give me the tools I need. In fact, he may have done it already.

And the truth is, when my fear rears up, and I question in myself if I am up for it, my next question to myself is, “Am I up for meeting God face to face and telling him that I wasn’t?”

Our family has been called to a mission of adoption. How much more can we learn what God has done for each one of us as his people? I was once a homeless, wanderer, rebellions and proud. People used to look at me with a skeptical eye. Suspicion took the place of compassion. And my Father took me in, cleaned me up and made me part of his family. I am now a daughter of the Almighty.

Instead you receive God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

Now I get the chance to not just adopt two children in the DeGarmo family, but I get the chance to adopt them in the family of Yahweh. In this family they will they get to call call their Creator by name… Abba. Daddy.

Filed Under: Adoption, Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff Tagged With: adtopion

To Love Again

April 30, 2013 by Serena 3 Comments

“You cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb the dark emotion- when we numb vulnerability and fear and the shame of not being good enough- we by default numb joy.” -Brene’ Brown

Sometimes it is easier to just not feel. It is easier for me to wall myself off from vulnerability and fear than to risk the hurt. Over the years I have become quite the expert at building walls around my heart.

But when I read this quote on a friend’s Facebook wall yesterday it stabbed me. In numbing my fear I have numbed my joy. Inside my protective walls I have paid the price of joy for safety.

Here I sit, 13 weeks pregnant and afraid to even recognize the truth that there is a little baby inside of me. I’m afraid to feel. I am afraid to be vulnerable and love this baby because what happens if I lose this one too.

The truth is I might. It is totally possible that this baby could not be born alive or it is possible that this baby could die too. But I have realized something, if I do lose this baby, when I meet him or her in heaven I want to be able to say that I gave my heart, not reluctantly or with trepidation but I want to tell this child that I loved you fiercely from the beginning.

I cannot risk another day of numbing the pain because it numbs the joy. Numbing the joy steals my ability to love with a relentless love.

I cannot live another day without experiencing the passionate love a mother has, even for her unborn child.

It brings me back to my son’s name, Azaiah, “My strength is Yahweh.” Yahweh loves with unfailing love that he lavishes on his children. Today, I resolve to lavish my unfailing love on all of my children, especially the one yet being formed in my womb.

The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.” Exodus 34: 5-7

Filed Under: Christian Life, Death and Dying, Mama Stuff, Matters of the Heart Tagged With: love after death, overcoming fear to love again

Purpose in the Pain

April 29, 2013 by Serena Leave a Comment

One of the things that has helped me find comfort in my grief is to relinquish my claim to sole ownership of grief. Some times when we face a trial we treat it like we are the first, only and last person to ever walk that road of suffering.

The truth is, I am not the only mom who has lost a child. I am one of thousands who bury their children every day. My husband is not the only father to lose a son. My children are not the only siblings who have watched a brother or sister die.

Rather than wallowing selfishly in our pain, we have been asked to share our pain and our comfort others.

I believe that truth is one of reasons God led us to create a family ministry:

“When he died, he died once to break the power of sin.
But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God.”
Romans 6:10

He Lives For Kids

He comforts us every time we have trouble so that when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us. 2 Cor. 1:4

Today I am overwhelmed because there is a 5K organized in our community to raise awareness for all the kids who are grieving the loss of a sibling. The proceeds of the race will go to He Lives For Kids.

Help us bring comfort to as many little hurting hearts as we can. If you would like to join us for this special day check it out! Click for details: He Lives For Kids 5K Run/Walk.

Filed Under: Christian Life, Death and Dying, Matters of the Heart Tagged With: finding purpose, grieving, healing after tragedy

All The Single Ladies: How Far Is Too Far?

April 24, 2013 by Serena 3 Comments

“Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned?” Proverbs 6:27

I just watched a little Youtube video that has fired up my passion for this topic. From the time I was a Christian single to now that I mentor Christian singles, the question has been asked hundreds of times. I’ve even asked it a few times myself.

How far is too far?

Holding hands? Kissing? French Kissing? Laying together? Snuggling with clothes on? Body to body contact? What about just talking about what we want to do “someday” when we are married? What about flirty texts or pictures? Oral sex? How much CAN I do and not sin?

Let’s start with the heart of that question. I mean, do we ask the question, How close can I get to murder and not sin? Can I fight and beat them to a near death? Can I fantasize about murder? Really.

Should the question be how close to sin can I get? Or should we be asking how can I get closer to God? How can I guard my heart and live a God-glorifying life? How can I guard my heart from sin? How can I be a woman of God who does everything she can to guard the hearts of men?

So let’s go on from here assuming that we know sin leads to death and we don’t want to die or cause someone else to die (Rom. 6:23).

1. Purpose in your heart what kind of woman you want to be.

The book of Proverbs describes two kinds of women:

My son, obey your father’s commands…their corrective discipline is the way to life. It will keep you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of a promiscuous woman. Don’t lust for her beauty.Don’t let her coy glances seduce you... Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet? …He who embraces her will not go unpunished.

So she seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery. He followed her at once,like an ox going to the slaughter. He was like a stag caught in a trap,awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart. He was like a bird flying into a snare. (from Proverbs 6-7)

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her,and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm,all the days of her life…She is clothed with strength and dignity…

When she speaks, her words are wise,and she gives instructions with kindness. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done.Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. (from Proverbs 31)

There is no neutral. In your heart to have you determine and purpose to be “a woman who fears the Lord”? If not, you may be setting yourself up to be the “immoral woman.” Trust me.

2. Understand your body is the dwelling place of God.

But the body is not for sexual sin. The body is for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body… Surely you know that your bodies are parts of Christ himself. So I must never take what is part of Christ and join it to a prostitute! The Scriptures say, “The two people will become one.” So you should know that anyone who is joined with a prostitute becomes one with her in body. But anyone who is joined with the Lord is one with him in spirit…

So if you commit sexual sin, you are sinning against your own body. You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit that you received from God and that lives in you. You don’t own yourselves. God paid a very high price to make you his. So honor God with your body. (1 Cor. 6)

When you sin with your body you are joining Jesus to your sin. The thought of that makes me nauseous. I hate that I did that. I hate that I dishonored my Lord with my careless, selfish sin. Sin that he gave his life to ransom me from. He allowed men to spill his blood to purify me. All he asks is for me to honor him with this body in return.

3. Lust is the line you don’t want to cross.

Sometimes I think we want lines drawn so we KNOW what we can and can’t do. But the way of Christ isn’t like that. The way of Christ is a faith of the heart, purity and a desire to be holy. We do that not to be saved, but as a response from the heart of one who has been saved.

One line I can draw is that where lust begins so does sin.

But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Mt. 5:28)

As a married woman who has a very honest husband, the lust line is a lot closer than most of think.

4. Make a purposeful sacrifice.

One day you may be married. The guy you are with may not be him. So when you do present your body to your husband, do you want it to have another man’s hand prints all over it? What message does that send your husband? I will tell you what message it sent mine. As a young man he believed he wasn’t worth the sacrifice. Satan used that and spun a web of lies that held us in captivity for a long time. We started off with a tremendous hill of sin to climb because of me.

We are training our daughters to guard their heart and body so that they can give it over to the man God chooses one day, pure.

5. Plan Boundaries

If any situation leads to lust, which honestly doesn’t take long for sexually deprived singles, stop it! Jesus said if you lust it’s better to cut off your offending hand and pluck out your eye (Mt. 5:29-30).

Paul said if it leads to sexual sin run away FAST! (1 Cor. 6:18). The point is we need to take radical steps to prevent sin or stop sin after it begins, which is a lot harder!

Some boundaries/lack of boundaries that I know have led Christians into sin:

Getting serious too fast
Watching movies in the dark
Extended time alone
Late nights alone
Spending the night together
Sexual jokes
Kissing
Road trips
“Innocent” physical contact (sitting on his lap, massaging, tickling, etc)
Drinking

You might think those are crazy. Jesus said a walk with him is crazy.

6.The Stakes are eternal.

Sexual impurity will keep you from heaven.

Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men… (1 Cor. 6:9)

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Heb. 13:4)

“Choose this day whom you will serve.” Will it be the god of your flesh? Or the God of holiness?

Previous post: Can Christians Date?

Filed Under: Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Marriage, Singlehood Tagged With: keeping sexually pure, sex and dating, singles

You’ve Got To Grieve

April 23, 2013 by Serena 6 Comments

Azaiah Stone DeGarmo 11/2/12 – 1/4/13

There are some days when I feel grief gnawing at my heart. Some days it just doesn’t feel like there is time to grieve. I mean there is still a home to run, meals to prepare and kids to pick up at school.

But something I have recently learned, “there is a time to mourn.” And if I don’t take that time it will take me.

Yesterday was one of those day. I tried to hold it together. I started the day off with a morning devotion outside while two of my little girls played. But there was a restlessness in my heart. I tried to get some housework done but accomplished little. By the time lunch came around I barely had the energy to scrape together some Easy-Mac. Then the exhaustion over took me.

I aimed for a fresh start when the school kids were coming home. I tried. But the longer the night wore on my nerves did too. I barely survived dinner. I snapped at my children and hated it.

Then I sat down at my desk to escape. That’s when the trap door opened and I fell through.

There was a picture of Azaiah that I hadn’t put there on my desk. The day he died I couldn’t get him to rest. So I wrapped him up tight and stuck my Bible in his carseat with him. He slept. He was so precious sleeping with my Bible I snapped a picture. That picture stared at me last night and demanded I grieve.

That picture said, “He is YOUR son. You love HIM. You want him with you. Even if you know he is well, you are full of sorrow. You still must grieve. You must feel every emotion. You must.”

I have to walk through every door. I have to take every step. I have to be in every moment that is mine to grieve. Even for a believer in the power of the resurrection, death stings. To deny that is to deny the truth.

And so at 7:00 pm I put on my pajamas, climbed under the covers with a roll of toilet paper and wept. Eventually my daughters joined me. For the first time my two-year-old said, “Mama cry. Miss Ziah.” Funny, even a toddler knows I need to grieve.

I’m still not sure how to blend life and grief. I’m not sure how to feel the emotions and be in the moment when I am in the middle of the grocery store or the elementary school. I’m just not sure.

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart. Ecc. 7:2

Filed Under: Death and Dying, Matters of the Heart Tagged With: grieving, mourning

Offering Comfort To The Grieving

April 18, 2013 by Serena 5 Comments

“I have heard all these things before.
    You men give me trouble, not comfort.
Your long speeches never end!
    Why do you continue arguing?
I also could say the same things you say,
    if you had my troubles.
I could say wise things against you
    and shake my head at you.
But I would say things to encourage you
    and give you hope.

“Nothing I say makes my pain go away.
But keeping quiet does not help either. Job 16:1-6

Weeks into our grief a friend asked me, “What kind of things do people say that aren’t helpful?” Well, I’ve been thinking on that for the past 4 months. I can say that I crossed paths with a lot of Job’s friends. But I was also touched by some remarkable and gifted comforters.

Some interactions were honestly cold. Some where well-meaning, but still hurtful. When someone loses a child don’t try to sell them Amway. Really. Don’t say you understand if you don’t. Don’t make unequal comparisons. Losing dogs and grandmas is not the same pain as holding a dead child in your arms. Don’t say you can’t imagine. Don’t say you wish you could take the pain. Don’t speak until God puts the words on your lips.

At first I thought the only people that could offer true hope were other moms who lost a child. But as I sit here and meditate on my many comforters I see that isn’t so. I was touched by many hands of love from all over. I want to introduce you today to some of the comforters that blessed me in my darkest hour. May you be blessed by them today as well.

My comforters weren’t afraid to weep with me, hold me or sit beside in silence. They girded themselves for the battle trenches and climbed in a deep hole with me. As they came and went, they picked up a piece of my burden to make their own.

My comforters offered few words and much heart.

One woman sat behind me during the visitation to cover me in prayer. She just touched me. Her eyes spoke sympathy. Her words to me were few, but her words to my Father were many.

By the end of the visitation night, hundreds of people came through. My arms hugged them all. My energy was drained. But there were a few memorable people who poured energy into me as they held my weary body and kissed my salty cheeks. There was a woman who knelt down to me. She got on the floor and folded me into her embrace. She gave me what she had to give- her strength.

I received a letter from a stranger in Florida who prayed all night because God put my name on her heart. Another woman sent me a locket with ALL of my babies birth stones in it. Another sent a necklace with Azaiah’s name and birthday inscribed.

Many of my brothers and sister offered themselves continuously for weeks. They managed my home, fed my children, washed my clothes and lifted the burden of every day life.

Just this morning one of my comforters posted this on Facebook:

“Sitting here this morning reflecting on the last several months of death that have surrounded so many people I know and love. As a person who is usually full of words, I can’t seem to find anything to say.”

As one of the people who has been surrounded by death, let me offer this encouragement today. No words are necessary. In fact sometimes it’s best. Offer your heart. Offer your time. Offer your sincerity. Offer your tears, your hands and most of all your most fervent prayers.

The words of our brother and apostle, Paul, speak a beautiful truth:

“Your faith makes you give your lives as a sacrifice in serving God. Maybe I will have to offer my own life with your sacrifice. But if that happens, I will be glad, and I will share my joy with all of you. “

Phil. 2:17

Filed Under: Christian Life, Death and Dying Tagged With: comforting the grieving