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You’ve Got To Grieve

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Azaiah Stone DeGarmo 11/2/12 – 1/4/13

There are some days when I feel grief gnawing at my heart. Some days it just doesn’t feel like there is time to grieve. I mean there is still a home to run, meals to prepare and kids to pick up at school.

But something I have recently learned, “there is a time to mourn.” And if I don’t take that time it will take me.

Yesterday was one of those day. I tried to hold it together. I started the day off with a morning devotion outside while two of my little girls played. But there was a restlessness in my heart. I tried to get some housework done but accomplished little. By the time lunch came around I barely had the energy to scrape together some Easy-Mac. Then the exhaustion over took me.

I aimed for a fresh start when the school kids were coming home. I tried. But the longer the night wore on my nerves did too. I barely survived dinner. I snapped at my children and hated it.

Then I sat down at my desk to escape. That’s when the trap door opened and I fell through.

There was a picture of Azaiah that I hadn’t put there on my desk. The day he died I couldn’t get him to rest. So I wrapped him up tight and stuck my Bible in his carseat with him. He slept. He was so precious sleeping with my Bible I snapped a picture. That picture stared at me last night and demanded I grieve.

That picture said, “He is YOUR son. You love HIM. You want him with you. Even if you know he is well, you are full of sorrow.  You still must grieve. You must feel every emotion. You must.”

I have to walk through every door. I have to take every step. I  have to be in every moment that is mine to grieve. Even for a believer in the power of the resurrection, death stings. To deny that is to deny the truth.

And so at 7:00 pm I put on my pajamas, climbed under the covers with a roll of toilet paper and wept. Eventually my daughters joined me.  For the first time my two-year-old said, “Mama cry. Miss Ziah.” Funny, even a toddler knows I need to grieve.

I’m still not sure how to blend life and grief. I’m not sure how to feel the emotions and be in the moment when I am in the middle of the grocery store or the elementary school. I’m just not sure.

It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of everyone; the living should take this to heart. Ecc. 7:2

Apr 23, 2013Serena
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Comments: 5
  1. jane ann
    12 years ago

    I just want it to be over. Sometimes I think that I can’t cry anymore. How long can I isolate myself? But if you and all of the other mommas have to bear your sorrow then so can I. I have hugged families and cried with them as they have had to accept that their precious babies have died. But NEVER did understand the magnitude of their grief. Until…now

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  2. Rhonda Marcus
    12 years ago

    You said you don’t know how to grieve but it sounds like you are doing it right to me.

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  3. Caleb Hood
    12 years ago

    To deny the sting and grief of death is to deny the Gospel. Let the journey of grief bring peace, joy, and comfort, in the loving arms of Christ. Love you sis.

    ~Your brother in Christ,

    Caleb.

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  4. Maggie Bacon
    12 years ago

    One hour and one step at a time dear Serena.

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  5. janet bragg
    12 years ago

    We are not the same person we were before our loss. It can be difficult for us to accept that and understand that we are forever changed. It can be really difficult for our friends to understand…..some want the person I used to be. I have a new perspective on life, death and priorities. 3 years and I still have days I simply wonder from room to room, no goal in mind or if there is unable to stay on task. I chastise myself for not getting things done….then I realize why I am doing this. That it is time for me to sit down and take care ofmy self and let God “collect my tears in a bottle” and restore me.
    This “journey of grief” is uncharted, but praise God we have One who walks beside us.

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Serena
12 years ago 5 Comments Death and Dying, Matters of the Heartgrieving, mourning226
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