What If I Killed My Son?

What you are about to read is uncomfortable. It is true. If you have lost a child you’ve probably been there too.

azaiah2

Azaiah Stone DeGarmo 11-2-12 to 1-4-13

The day after Azaiah died I found myself walking outside talking to him and God simultaneously. I asked Azaiah to forgive me. I asked God to forgive me. What if I killed him?

I’ve never spoken these words to anyone but my husband.  The night he died, Azaiah was asleep in my bed. I let him sleep on his tummy. What if that killed him?

What if I would have gone to him when I heard the crying stop? What if it is my fault? What if he is mad at me? What if he thinks I didn’t take good care of him? What if he is disappointed in me?

These thoughts haunted me. They followed me and taunted me. What if my neglect killed my son?

One day I sat down in prayer and asked God to tell me the truth. I begged him to show me. I penned this on March 8, 2014 in response to all my worst fears.

Oh Serena,

I am so sorry those things happened to you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry Azaiah died. I am so sorry you feel the sting of death. I never wanted it that way. I never wanted him to die.

I want you to know that he is OK. I want you to know that he loves you. I want you to know that he is proud of you. He is glad that you are his mom. He wants you to know that you have honored him well. But he especially thanks you for honoring me.

Serena, thank you for trusting me when it hurts. Thank you for believing the best about me. Thank you for not letting go.

I love you for your courage. I love the way you feel me deep in your soul. I love the way you talk to me every day. I love the way you share your life with me. I love the way you share laughter with me. I love the way you share your joy, your children and your friendships with me.

I love the way you love me. I am not just your Master or your Father. I am your Forever Love. I will never stop loving you. NEVER!

I am so proud of you. I delight in you. I smile when I look at you.

Keep holding on. I can’t wait for you to see all that I have in store for you. I just can’t wait.

All this hard stuff is going to be made new. You are going to love it!

I just love you so much.

Love, Me

If grief is locking you in a prison, if you are plagued by your failures, your neglect or your choices that led to your child’s death, write it down. Get it out of you. And then write God’s answer back to you.

He is longing to free you. He is waiting for you to ask. He is desperate to tell you the truth. The truth is He loves you.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
    for the Lord has anointed me
    to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
    and to proclaim that captives will be released
    and prisoners will be freed.
 He has sent me to tell those who mourn
    that the time of the Lord’s favor has come… Is. 61: 1-2

Serena
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Comments: 8
  1. 9 years ago

    Praise God for the comfort He offers. I love you.

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  2. Shanna
    9 years ago

    I too have wondered this very same sentiment after I lost my son in 2012. I’m so thankful to God that I found this blog and that God is using your journey to be a blessing to Moms like me.

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    • 9 years ago

      I am so glad you found it too. I have been uncomfortably transparent with my grief for just this reason. I find a lot of women who feel too scared or vulnerable to share what really goes through their head. We need to know that we aren’t crazy or bad. Death just does horrible things that change us forever. But, God through the power of the Holy Spirit can bring life to even the darkest valleys of death. I’ve seen it.

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  3. Laura Walker
    9 years ago

    Tears in my eyes at your loss and pain. If it helps at all, know that my 3 babies slept on their bellies in my bed often. I didn’t always rush in to check them after they finished crying because I didn’t want to wake them up. The terrible part of life happened to your family-death. But it certainly wasn’t from any neglect. I am glad God helped you release those thoughts. Your honesty is a blessing.

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  4. Jan B
    9 years ago

    I lost my 30 year old son and I too have often suffered from the “What If!” Of course I wasn’t responsible for him, but I asked myself often: what if I had listened more closely, what if I had taken his complaints about “an upset stomach” more seriously, what if I had gone to him immediately that dreadful morning when he called to say he was really sick, what if we had gone to a bigger hospital, what if, what if, what if……maybe I could have saved him.
    Bottom line I did the best I could and I trust God to help me to “tell myself the truth” But sometimes this niggling doubt…….
    Thank you for sharing this.

    .

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  5. chelsea
    9 years ago

    From one mom in the exact same spot, thank you and bless you a million times over…….

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  6. Amy Penrod
    5 years ago

    Wow, First off I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your posts I have never known anyone felt the same way I do…the things you share are the very same I have or do think and battle and overcome with losing our Vera.
    The things that go through our minds as moms it is so hard to share!!!! Thank you so much for opening up. 😍😍😍😍😍😍 i relate, so much and love your transparent approach.

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Serena
9 years ago 8 Comments Death and Dying, God, Grace, Grief, Heaven, Spiritual Warfare, Uncategorized, , , , , 538