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To Love Again

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“You cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb the dark emotion- when we numb vulnerability and fear and the shame of not being good enough- we by default numb joy.”  -Brene’ Brown

 

Sometimes it is easier to just not feel. It is easier for me to wall myself off from vulnerability and fear than to risk the hurt. Over the years I have become quite the expert at building walls around my heart.

But when I read this quote on a friend’s Facebook wall yesterday it stabbed me.  In numbing my fear I have numbed my joy. Inside my protective walls I have paid the price of joy for safety.

Here I sit, 13 weeks pregnant and afraid to even recognize the truth that there is a little baby inside of me. I’m afraid to feel. I am afraid to be vulnerable and love this baby because what happens if I lose this one too.

The truth is I might. It is totally possible that this baby could not be born alive or it is possible that this baby could die too. But I have realized something, if I do lose this baby, when I meet him or her in heaven I want to be able to say that I gave my heart, not reluctantly or with trepidation but I want to tell this child that I loved you fiercely from the beginning.

I cannot risk another day of numbing the pain because it numbs the joy. Numbing the joy steals my ability to love with a relentless love.

I cannot live another day without experiencing the passionate love a mother has, even for her unborn child.

It brings me back to my son’s name, Azaiah, “My strength is Yahweh.” Yahweh loves with unfailing love that he lavishes on his children. Today, I resolve to lavish my unfailing love on all of my children, especially the one yet being formed in my womb.

The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.” Exodus 34: 5-7

Apr 30, 2013Serena
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Purpose in the PainAdopted As Sons and Daughters
Comments: 3
  1. Rhonda Marcus
    9 years ago

    I can’t wait to meet number 7. 🙂

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  2. Paul Thrower
    9 years ago

    I have heard it many years ago that those who open their hearts to experience the heights of joy also are open to the depths of despair, much as you have said. I believe it entirely. Those who don’t venture to love because they fear getting hurt will never know the depths of love because love entails both. Nothing exemplifies this more than our Lord Yeshua who came to earth and experienced every sorrow and ultimately experienced the most horrible ugliness and despair in bearing our sins on Himself, yet this He endured,.. “for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame” Heb. 12:2 He understands inexpressible sorrow, shame and grief; but also joy, peace and love beyond description! He calls us to open ourselves to Him and to both the joys He offers and the cross that we must bear to serve Him, whatever that is to each of us. His promise is to never forsake us through it all…. Having enough faith to trust……. that is our part…..

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    • Serena
      9 years ago

      Beautiful verse to show the pain and beauty of love!

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Serena
9 years ago 3 Comments Christian Life, Death and Dying, Matters of the Heart, Motherhoodlove after death, overcoming fear to love again534
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