Truemag

  • Home
  • About
  • Grief
  • My Book
  • Events
  • Ministry
  • Contact

The Face of PTSD

10885444_10154932027715328_6108895797729757643_n

I was sitting in a restaurant with my family. The sounds of people chatting at their tables reverberated in my head like the beating of bass drums. The clanking of silverware stabbed my senses. The touch of one of my children repulsed me. I was being pulled in more directions than my body could stretch. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I had to get out.

The past week my anxiety has been on overload.

When grief was still a relatively new dance for me, I wrote this, Dealing With the Dark Side of Grief.

Now, 2 1/2 years later, I am still awkwardly going through the motions of a changed life. Sometimes I think I should be OK. Sometimes I think the anxiety should be gone.

Then I found this book today.

9781469029894_p0_v1_s260x420

Even though I am coping emotionally and spiritually with the death of my son, my body keeps the score.

The Bible says, “For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin.”

I am flesh.

I am mortal.

“For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.” 2 Cor 4:11

While my spirit feels the peace that Jesus offers, my flesh, my mortal body is keeping score. In fact, they aren’t just keeping score, occasionally they are giving a play by play.

When I read the title of that book a light came one. Someone gets it. I am changed. I am different.

Traumatized people chronically feel unsafe inside their bodies: The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs…

I connect with that quote from this book so deeply I can’t read it without welling with tears. Some days I feel so lonely in my grief. Some days I feel lost in sea of “no one understands.” Some days the effects of grief and anxiety are worse than the grief itself. The rigors of home life, public life and just dealing with life are too much for me. I feel bombarded.

Maybe you connect with this too. Maybe you feel the same gnawing inside. Maybe you feel bombarded.  I just want you to know, I get it. This isn’t a post to offer solutions, advice or tips. It is simply to give voice to my own battle and, maybe to let another grieving mom or trauma survivor know, you aren’t alone.

You aren’t alone.

Jun 22, 2015Serena
Tweet3
Share
Pin
3 Shares
Stop Disrespecting Your MenWhy Legalizing Gay Marriage Doesn't Hurt Christianity
Comments: 7
  1. Anonymous
    10 years ago

    Thank you!! Some people feel, and I know this because it has been said to me, you have nothing to be stressed/anxious/depressed about! No! Not at this moment, which then stresses me because I wonder why I feel this way!! While I would not wish this invisible problem on anyone, it does help to know I am not the only Christian feeling this way. I get tired of questioning my faith (or feel like others are). I KNOW I am supposed to be anxious for nothing, but…..
    (Anonymous out of fear of judgement…not from you!!)

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      10 years ago

      When there isn’t a reason that points all the more to a real physical issue. I am so sorry you feel judged.

      ReplyCancel
  2. Sandi Rog
    10 years ago

    Serena, thank you for this post. It completely resonated with me. Ever since cancer, I feel so anxious, so paranoid and scared at times, it’s overwhelming. I know we’re all one day going to die. I know that. But sometimes I have panic attacks that something might be wrong with me. I woke up with one today. I feel pain in my head. What is that pain? Why? It’s in a spot where they did severe radiation. Is it cancer? I met folks who had cancer from their previous treatments, so it could very well be cancer. That’s how my cancer started to begin with, in my head, and I’m constantly aware of anything “unusual.” It takes it’s toll. I rack my brain trying to remember when I must have bumped my head, or then I later remember/discover that I did bump my head, or it’s muscle tension, or . . . whatever. It doesn’t matter, I’m just fearful. Constantly fearful. Even for my children. Anytime something’s wrong with them, my mind immediately goes to cancer. I took my son into the doctor the other day for that very reason. Thankfully, the doc said he’s fine. Just low on Vitamin D.

    I also feel completely overwhelmed sometimes, bombarded from every side, which then ups my stress levels, which then ups my fears of getting cancer because . . . stress causes disease. I just can’t win. And no, no one understands. No one. Except the ones I live with who lived through this with me, my family. But even they aren’t a part of the constant little pains and fears that go on in my mind. The panic I feel when I wake up one morning afraid for my life. Like this morning. I don’t always tell them because I don’t want them to feel anxious with me. They don’t need that.

    I also still suffer from the side-effects of all the poisons they put into my body (chemo and radiation). I can’t think clearly, which I discovered is called chemo-brain and can last for years, I can’t see clearly, I have severe dry mouth, dry eye, dry everything because the poison destroyed my glands. The list goes on.

    I constantly have to remind myself that God has my days numbered. It doesn’t matter what happens here, it’s all in God’s hands.

    But my faith is weak.

    ReplyCancel
  3. melanie
    10 years ago

    My counselor said that PTSD changes your brain. The amagdala (the “primitive” -survival part of the brain) had been damaged by trauma. The amagdala and the adrenals speak to each other and are often thinking that we are still in danger. Hence the symptoms. It can take a long time to get better, and I feel for you, Serena, and others who have this. Because I know what it’s like. The clanking of silverware, shutting of a door, your husband’s voice, anything and everything can make you jump out of your skin. I sometimes can’t stand to be touched but other times need a hug really badly. It’s confusing for my husband (Fred); he never knows what to expect. But then again, neither do I. The fear that we feel is embedded into that primitive part of our brains, and so it’s not something we have complete control over, contrary to what some people might believe. Each time I think I am doing so much better….it hits again. What’s good is that at least it’s getting better. To anyone else reading this who has PTSD , be patient with your own self. It’s not your fault. Not any of it. Not the cause, not the symptoms (including out-of-whack emotions). Do we need help? YES. So we should all get that professional help!! I pray for God to help me, and He has and is, and I thank Him. I pray for you, Serena, and have for a long time. I hope you will start feeling improvement. Just remember it’s sort of ‘one step forward, two steps back’, and that’s just how it goes. It stinks. But you will get better. I dunno if we will be fully healed of this, but we will be better, so remember that. 🙂

    ReplyCancel
  4. Serena
    10 years ago

    Sandi and Melanie thank you so much for sharing. I think the more of us who are open about the fear we have the more women will feel safe enough to share without being judged or labeled.

    ReplyCancel
  5. Anoymous
    8 years ago

    I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and GAD. I tried a myriad of SSRI’s that never worked for me. I decided, with the advice of a conselor & PA mental health Dr. that I would try a new med for anxiety. I am a trauma survivor but to be honest the meds are working. I haven’t felt this good in years. I want to tell others not to be afraid to get help. Work with a counselor, your Dr., and be honest about your symptoms. For me, the anxiety made me have panic attacks for years. I am only a few days into the new med, a SNRI, and it is working. Don’t be afraid to try meds when you’ve tried everything else. You owe it to yourself to be good to yourself and take care of things. There is HOPE out there. Wishing you many blessings, Serena.

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      8 years ago

      Thank you for sharing this!

      ReplyCancel

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Serena
10 years ago 9 Comments Anxiety, Death and Dying, Depression, GriefAnxiety, effects of grief, PTSD1,251
A Wordy Woman
Top Posts & Pages
  • How To Deal With an Unsubmissive Wife
  • Home
  • NO CHILDREN: What Does the Bible Say About Having Kids?
  • God is Good
  • 8 Reasons To Get Plugged In To Your Local Church
Recent Posts
  • Celebrating Mother’s Day After the Death of a Child
  • The Jesus Effect: Healing Church Trauma with Christ’s Model of Leadership
  • Healing Trauma: Give Me Your Shame
  • Healing Trauma with Theophany: Encountering God
  • Church Trauma: Healing the Wound with Grace
Categories
Networks
2015 © A Wordy Woman