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Silence Grows Sin: Inside the Heart and Life of an Incest Survivor

Silence Grows Sin

Yesterday I opened up one of the most avoided topic in the church today- incest. The first in this series is Why Can’t I Get This Muzzle Off: Inside the Heart and Life of an Incest Survivor.

Many parents, families and church leaders simply do not see the need to expose the horror of this sin. Maybe from their own fear or ignorance, they simply do not act. But we need to walk in this truth:

You can be sure that no immoral or impure… person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God… Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him.  Don’t participate in the things these people do.  For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light… take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. Eph. 5

When we remain inactive and silent, sin grows and Satan thrives. In continuation from yesterday, here is more from the story of our guest writer:

I never spoke of “what I had done to my biological dad.”  The muzzle was securely fastened.

I did not realize how critical that day was to me. I did not realize the lies that I started believing about myself. I did not realize the framework for my future was laid. That one day defined me.

But I had gotten away from my dad. Surely there was not another man like him. Surely I would be able to recognize another wolf in sheep’s clothing. Surely if I did I would run.

I married someone who everyone loved, the golden boy. He was from good stock- a reputable Christian family. I also married someone who confirmed the lies I believed about myself. I believed I was worthless. He repeatedly berated me with the “truth” that I was right. I was indeed worth nothing.

He confirmed it when he lied to me. He confirmed it when he paid for sex from prostitutes. He confirmed it when he would rather have sex with me while I was asleep than awake. He confirmed it when he would rather just not come home or when he would stay up all hours watching porn. He confirmed it when he could only bear to have sex with me while I was awake if he was watching porn. He confirmed it when he put his hands on me in rage and tell me I was crazy. He confirmed it with every action that was in defiance to God’s call for a righteous husband.

Yet I convinced myself I deserved it. My father convinced me I was worthless. My husband put the period at the end of the sentence, sealing my fate, so I believed.

At this point, in my 30’s, I was either going to find freedom or kill myself. I already tried the latter in my teens. Because those attempts were unsuccessful, I really hoped there was another way to escape my personal hell.

Of course I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. When I tried indirectly to seek godly counsel I heard things like, “A good wife is submissive. A good wife pleases her husband in the bedroom. A husband wants a slut in the bedroom and saint in the kitchen.” Fear tightened the muzzle.

Just like before, this all had to be my fault. I strove to be the ideal wife- self-sacrificing, submissive, compliant. So why was he rejecting me? Why couldn’t I just be a “good wife”?  Why couldn’t I make this marriage good?

On the outside all looked delightful. But inside there was nothing but sin and destruction. Satan was taking me down.

What I didn’t know was that while I agonized alone, in fear, God was fighting for me. God retrained his wrath for a moment. But then He started opening my eyes. He started showing me the truth… I am worth fighting for.

 You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.– Jesus

 Tomorrow… Breaking the Chains

Oct 4, 2012Serena
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Why Can't I Get This Muzzle OFF: Inside the Heart and Life of an Incest Survivor Breaking Free: Inside the Heart and Life of an Incest Survivor
Comments: 2
  1. Keith Stonehart isDead
    10 years ago

    I applaud you Serena.. Tough topic.. I know men don’t usually come out and discuss this , but I also am a survivor.. and I too wore the muzzle for FAR to long and it nearly ruined me ,my relationship with my wife and most importantly – my relationship with God.. From the time I was 6 until I was 9 ,and older cousin did this to me ,so by the time I was old enough to realize what was going on was not normal (as he continually told me) ,the problems associated with this poured into every aspect of my life. If I told anyone , I risked breaking apart the family and being accused of lying. Since my home life wasn’t that great anyway I just kept quiet. By the time I was 14 ,the struggle with my silence had become deafening. My sexual Identity had been severely comprised – was I supposed to be gay? I didn’t feel gay ,but the things that happened to me were screaming otherwise… So as soon as I found a girl willing , I confirmed my uncertainty by engaging is sex with her… and soon as I found another one , with her too.. This pattern repeated over and over as I tried to convince myself that I was ok…. OF course , drug and alcohol use followed and became part of my new system of confirming who I was . In my 20’s , I began to think about how much damage I had done…how many girls were just part of my broken system of self assurance? How many scars did I leave because of MY OWN silence?… Guilt now set in on an already seared and burdened heart and I fell deeper in to sin…. But when I was taught the Gospel of Jesus Christ , and I obeyed it – I left the guilt ,the shame , the pain and the silence of my childhood dead in that watery grave.. I know now that I wasn’t in control of what happened to me as a child , and I accept the reality of what I had done when fear ruled my life.. But fear and silence don’t live here anymore… Christ does.

    Keep fighting the good fight , you and Daniel both do a good work … You never know what someone will get off their chest after reading one of these posts…kinda like I just did 😉

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      10 years ago

      “But fear and silence don’t live here anymore… Christ does.” Thank you JESUS!! It never ceases to amaze me what He is able to do with the darkest of hurt and sin. Man do we need grace. Thank you so much for sharing this.

      ReplyCancel

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Serena
10 years ago 2 Comments Marriage, Matters of the Heart, Sexual Abuse and Healingincest, sexual abuse, the effects of sexual abuse in marriage382
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