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Parenting My Strong-Willed Child

how-to-deal-with-stubborn-kids-childhood-educationDo not be stubborn, as they were, but submit yourselves to the Lord. 2 Chron. 30:8

Obstinate. Defiant. Rebellious. Manipulative. Arrogant.

That was me growing up. Strong-willed would be quite generous. “I’m gonna knock that chip off your shoulder” was the daily mantra of my mother. I pretty much operated under the assumption I didn’t need permission or parents for much of anything. I recently apologized to my mother hoping the enduring curse will be broken as I parent a gaggle of strong-willed kids.

Yes, I have a number of strong-willed children but my eldest gets the first place prize. As a toddler he preferred shoes on the wrong feet.  He could throw  epic tantrums that often climaxed with vomiting. Once he could climb out of is crib keeping him in bed was a daily struggle and reminder to me how ill-equipped I was to take this kid on. Potty training?  A nightmare!  He was the stubbornest of eaters. To this day if he doesn’t want to eat something he simply will not. We have no decent pictures of him because for the past 13 years he has refused to look towards a camera. Everything has to be explained and make sense before he goes along with it. “Because I said so” has never influenced him in the slightest. He has a will of steel.

I have no way mastered this, but somethings I am working on in my parenting journey have proved invaluable to not just peace keeping, but actually molding the hearts of my strong-willed kids.

1. Choose your battles.

That saying gets wore out. But really. Choose your battles. When things escalate ask yourself if this is the hill you want to die on? My son and I have had knock down drag out fights over shoes, hot dogs and homework. Those battles frankly aren’t worth the fight.

2. God’s rule or my rule?

A wise man advised me (long before I was a mother) before you engage, decide whether your child is breaking your rule or God’s rule. Then act accordingly. If one of my kids doesn’t empty the dishwasher I try to handle that a lot differently than if they told a lie. Breaking a command of God has eternal weight. The dishes? Well, that’s just a bit annoying.

3. Say yes.

We will have to say no to a myriad of things we have moral and spiritual objections to. Say yes to all the other stuff. When you have to pull the “No” card it will have more impact. Our house may look more like Animal House than the Clevers but I’m ok with that.

4. Create Routine

Many arguments can be spared if your child simply knows what to expect next. If sometimes bath is after dinner or sometimes in the morning, you are setting the perfect stage for a battle royal. When there’s routine and clear expectation the strong-willed child feels secure and those war of the wills can be headed off at the pass.

4. Consequences

Sometimes punishment should be deferred to letting the natural consequences play out. When my 4-year-old son refused to put on snow boots, I dropped him in 8 inches of snow. Guess what? He decided boots weren’t a bad idea. Let the natural consequences be. It may affect grades, cause her to miss the bus or letting him go hungry but that’s ok.

5. You are the boss.

Yes, there are times I hoist my parent flag high. Sometimes it is the way it is just because I said so. Sometimes there is just plain old punishment for bad behavior. Sometimes there is serious discipline administered for displaying a disobedient heart. God is like that with me. Sometimes I have to submit just because he’s bigger than me. It doesn’t have to make sense. I don’t have to agree. I just have to obey.

6. Nurture 

There are areas that having an unstoppable will isn’t just an asset, it’s a life-saver. Build up your child and feed their uniqueness. Channel their strength into a gift or ability that they possess.  Feed their wild side in an appropriate environment.

7. Pray

Cultivate their personality with prayer. The God who made them knows everything about them. He knows their fears and dreams. He knows each woven fiber of their being. Ask him for help.

If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking. James 1:5

Mar 28, 2014Serena
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Comments: 4
  1. April Taylor
    11 years ago

    My son is 11 yrs. old and I sometimes worry about what kind of man he will grow up to be. He is quite headstrong and is already talking about how he can’t wait until he is old enough to be on his own. We try to teach him manners and respect, but sometimes it feels fruitless. Sometimes I just pray because I know only God can change the heart. Keep us in your prayers.

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      11 years ago

      I will pray for him right now. And you. It is so hard. Parenting is not for sissies!

      ReplyCancel
  2. Amy Melany
    9 years ago

    Our strong-willed child is now 19 and we’re discovering that his strong will has become an asset for him as he is navigating his post high school world. You want me to work on Sunday? No, not happening. Play drums for you at a bar? No. He was such a challenge to raise, but we are seeing the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. He still has a lot of growing up to do, but we have heard those blessed words, “Mom and Dad, thank you.”
    God is good and I’m thankful for every moment (even the difficult ones) we have with our kids.

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      9 years ago

      Thank you for sharing a hopeful ending!

      ReplyCancel

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Serena
11 years ago 4 Comments Kids, Motherhood, Parenting, Teen Issues, Uncategorizeddiscipline, parenting, strong-willed child1,163
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