So the last couple days my fear about life, family, adoption and another biological baby has been escalating. It all erupted this morning after one of the teachers at school said, “You’re doing a good thing.”
I was overwhelmed and convicted all at the same time. Because today I don’t feel like I am doing a good thing. Today I don’t feel good. Today I feel afraid.
As I drove home, alone, I pulled into the cemetery to sit by my son’s grave, for the first time. I sat and wept because I miss him. I wept because I don’t want him in the ground. I wept because I am afraid. I wept because my faith is shaky and I don’t want it to be.
After all I have been through, after all I have seen God do I still lack trust. I feel a little like the Israelites who crossed the Red Sea then wondered how the same God would feed them on the other side.
I don’t want to be afraid.
Usually when it seems the world and its weight are crushing me, it is usually the hand of God pressing. There is something I need to hear. I don’t want to be pressed by God any more. Frankly, it hurts.
Then, while in that cemetery, with my sorrow swirling, my chest heavy, my eyes burning the hand of God released me. Apparently I was ready to listen.
“Give them your heart.”
That is what it is about. That was message he needed me to hear. That is the crux of my fear. When I give my heart it hurts. It hurts because your children can disappoint you. It hurts because they can betray you. I hurts because your worry keeps you up at night. It hurts because they can die.
Today, my new children move in. Today is the day our family changes. Today I welcome them into my home. But God wants more than an open door to my house, God says open the door to your heart. I can give them a bed. I can feed them. I can buy them clothes. But God wants me to give them my heart, even if it hurts.
Today when I pick up my children I have a choice to give them stuff or give myself. God has asked for me to present me, my body, my heart as living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to him. So, here it goes. I am casting off my fear because that is what perfect love does. No more fear. Even if it hurts.
God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love… 2 Tim. 1:7