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My Second Year of Grief: Trading Agony for Apathy

apathy
January 4, 2014. 
One year of grieving passed.
 
January 5, 2014.
Second year of grieving commenced.
 

I knew the anniversary of my son’s death would be a pit I had to carefully navigate. I did.

Those word’s “my son’s death” are still hard to type. They still pierce me. They still give me a nauseous feeling in my stomach. Although the pain is still there, the intensity has dulled.  My awareness of grief has dulled. With that, my interest in life has dulled.

I have slowly sunk into a new pit, a pit where apathy has replaced my agony.

Food has lost its flavor. Music has lost its soul. Living has become an irritation. Sleep is my drug of choice.

My spirit no longer cries out. My prayers no longer whisper through the night. The heart of my soul has all but quit beating.

I am weary from grief. Psalm 119:28

 

I realized this weekend that although God understands, he wants me to live again, really live. Surviving isn’t a testimony. Resurrection is.

I came so that they could have life—indeed, so that they could live life to the fullest. John 10:10

 

Today I want to be resurrected.  I want to be a display of the power of the resurrection. I want resurrection to be my testimony. And here’s how I’m going to do it.

1. Intentionally move toward Jesus.

Today I will purpose my steps to move toward Jesus. I will take a step. I will reach out my hand. I will bow down before the Great I AM.

She came forward, shaking. She bowed down before Jesus. While everyone listened, she told why she touched him. Then she said that she was healed immediately when she touched him. Jesus said to her, “My daughter, you are made well because you believed. Go in peace.” Luke 8:47-48

2. Hide in the Word.

Even when I don’t feel like doing it. Even when my heart doesn’t yearn for it. Even when my desire isn’t craving for it. I will read the Bible.

I lie in the dust; revive me by your word.
I told you my plans, and you answered. Now teach me your decrees.
Help me understand the meaning of your commandments,
and I will meditate on your wonderful deeds.
I weep with sorrow; encourage me by your word.
Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your instructions.

Psalm 119:25-29

 

3. Claim my joy.

Joy is a choice I will make today. Joy will be my choice to respond to my circumstances with triumph, because joy is my strength. Joy doesn’t just give me strength. It is strength. Today,  I claim joy and strength. I will claim it with a desperate grip.

Don’t be dejected and sad, for the joy of the Lord is your strength! Neh. 8:10

Maybe for you it is some other kind of loss or trial that the devil has used to rob you of your zest for life. Will you reclaim it? Will you move toward Jesus? Will you find shelter in the Word of God? And will you reach out and grab your life line of joy.

Today,  will you let Jesus the Christ resurrect your old bones and give you new life?

 

I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! Phil. 3:10-11

 

I want to pray for you today. Post a comment with your need. I will pray for each one. I will pray for your resurrection.

 

May 5, 2014Serena
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Comments: 10
  1. Erika
    8 years ago

    Had I not read this I wouldn’t be taking the steps today and later this week I know I need to be taking. Thank you always for following God’s direction in you life <3

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      8 years ago

      If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit. Gal 5:25 Keep stepping!

      ReplyCancel
  2. Allison
    8 years ago

    Thank you so much for these words. We are grieving a disrupted adoption, and it is hard to focus on the things that are joyful; to focus on anything at all, actually. I really appreciate your openness and honesty even in your grief.

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      8 years ago

      Thank you. I will pray for you and your loss as well. I know how that feels. The disrupted adoptions we had were worse in some ways because they came with overwhelming feelings of guilt and failure.

      ReplyCancel
  3. Jennifer Strickland
    8 years ago

    I haven’t lost a child but I have a son with significant developmental delays. He is 16 and functions at around age 2-3. I grieve in waves over the loss of what we planned for him when he was born. For example right now, when I see all the prom pictures on Facebook, I grieve a little that he should be going to prom. Same when I see the pics of kids getting their driver’s license. Thank you for writing so honestly about your grief. So often we feel we have to just try to put on a happy face.

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      8 years ago

      I am starting my morning off in prayer for you.

      ReplyCancel
  4. Belinda Biddle
    8 years ago

    Serena, I So appreciate your writings over the last year. I share them with my mom, and I know she prays for you, as I do.
    I needed this message today. With all the changes that have happened in my life this past year, I feel a kind of apathy has taken over me. Not a pleasant feeling. I don’t want the rest of my life to be just “making it through” to the next day.
    My prayer is that the Holy Spirit will fan the spark in both of our hearts. <3

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      8 years ago

      In a lot of ways apathy has been harder because at least I was feeling and knew I was alive. I’m praying for you today sweet sister. I love you.

      ReplyCancel
  5. Crystal
    8 years ago

    Thank you, Serena. Thank you for being willing to bare your own heart so that others can be inspired to live more fully in Him.

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      8 years ago

      I hope that’s what I do.

      ReplyCancel

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Serena
8 years ago 10 Comments Death and Dying, Suffering, Uncategorizedapathy, grief, Jesus, overcoming1,405
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