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Let Him Go

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I have always been a mother who laments the thought of an empty nest. I grew up an only child of divorced parents. Growing up, my home was quiet and sometimes lonely. I always knew I wanted to fill my home with life… lots of it.

When I conceived Azaiah, I prayed. I prayed so hard for that child because we were in the midst of a dark spiritual battle. My husband was ready to give up his ministry. I called on the Lord to come into my womb and give me a son to confirm God’s presence in the heart of my husband. “Don’t let him quit, Father. Show him you are here in this fight.”

Each step of the pregnancy was joyful. In fact, I remember the night that I took the pregnancy test. My husband was out-of-town hunting with our oldest son. I took three tests to make sure. After the shock settled, I knew God was knitting life for my son and his father.

I texted with one of my friends because I just had to share it with someone. I wrote, “I think I am pregnant.” She said, “What makes you think that?” “Three positive pregnancy tests.”

Then I posted on Facebook, “Does anyone have a creative idea how to tell my husband I am pregnant?” Some people didn’t quite get it, but we laughed at the thought of Daniel casually checking his Facebook and being shocked himself, then immensely blessed by a few simple words. Our friends rejoiced with us.

On the ultrasound day I felt such a presence of God that I really had no doubt it was a boy. But it was amazing to see God confirm Daniel in that moment. “Definitely a boy!” My husband hit his knees and praised the Father for the gift of life.

Life.

Then death.

Two nights ago I walked through our yard talking to God and talking to Azaiah. They showed me something that brought me freedom and peace. Just like I will have to let my other children leave my nest in their time, I had to let Azaiah go in his. It was his time, his purpose.

I know I am “wordy” and all, but I really can’t find the words to capture what my son has accomplished in a few days of his death. I watched a man die with Christ in the waters of baptism. Others have committed to new ministries and a deeper walk with the Lord.  Peace has been made where there was strife.

I continue to  watch the saints of God unite in grief and love. I have received innumerable messages of love. Don’t underestimate those messages or your desire to pour out love to us. Jesus says that’s how the world will know us. The way you love me and my family will cry out “JESUS!” to a lost and dying world.

Cry out his name, “JESUS!” You don’t have to preach it, you just have to live it. Live it. LIVE!

The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you. Rom. 8:11

 

Jan 8, 2013Serena
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Forever ChangedLet Me Keep My Pain
Comments: 14
  1. Sandy Foxworthy
    10 years ago

    Amen, “Living for Jesus”

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    • Julie Adams
      10 years ago

      It is amazing how God works in all kinds of ways…mysterious ways. Though this journey that you are in right now is so very hard and dark, HIS word is shining in its darkness through a child.

      Thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts.

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  2. Ken Weliever
    10 years ago

    Great post, Serena!

    Thanks for sharing it. Thanks for your strength. Your courage. Your faith. And your willingness of openly sharing your feelings. I know your example through this difficult time is an encouragement to so many. And most of all glorifies God. Norma Jean and I love you and your family very much.

    Ken

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  3. Dana Carrozza
    10 years ago

    Bless you my Sweet Sister for keeping your Heart mind & Eyes Open to what God is showing you!
    And
    Thank you for being so candid and honest with the rest of the world to see how God truly can use any situation to Glorify Him!!
    May our Lord be Praised
    Dana

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  4. Bethany Budd
    10 years ago

    I don’t know you guys very well, but I remember Daniel having a meeting ravenswood, wv when Noah was just a baby. That’s where i grew up. And now I’m married to a Budd from laurel canyon. I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss and how touched I am by both your and Daniels dedication to God. He had different plans for your baby and even though its not what you would want you are making the best of it and rejoicing! I’m very touched by you guys. I’ve been praying and will keep praying for your whole family.

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  5. Deborah McCord
    10 years ago

    Though my heart aches for you, I can not possibly know your pain. My stomach clinches every time I think your family’s loss. I praise the Lord for the silver lining surrounding Azaiah’s going home. All that has unfolded has strengthened many in the faith, including me. Knowing Asaiah is safe in the arms of God gives peace the surpasses all understanding . . . Hugs and continued prayers in Him, Deborah

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  6. Jason Kean
    10 years ago

    Though he never would have understood it in his short time on this earth, I pray that our Heavenly Father tells Azaiah of the positive impact his death has had on those left behind, mine included.

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  7. Celina (Vierheller) Oswald
    10 years ago

    Those are wonderful words Serena. We are so sorry for your loss.

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  8. Patricia Warnock
    10 years ago

    Serena and Dan: We are so sorry for your precious baby – Azaiah is a beautiful baby. Just a little advice from someone who knows personally how it feels to lose a child. I urge you to feel every emotion – yes – anger -sadness – pain – agony. Please don’t expect too much of yourselves – just go with whatever emotion you might be feeling. You will both have to work through so much, and it won’t be at the same time. All timetables are different. I can assure you it will take a very long time to live with your tragedy. We lost our son, at a much, much older age but the loss of a child by parents has to be the worst pain in the world and until one goes through it, there’s not a person that can understand. However, as I know you will, lean on our Heavenly Father – we know He understands every emotion and understands. He lost His only son. I encourage you to write to your close friends, share whatever you might be feeling or keep a journal, again putting down your thoughts, feelings, saying anything you want – cry, all the while know that God is suffering with you.You and Dan have been so brave – it’s okay to hit bottom – it’s the natural way to grieve but all the while looking upward -give yourselves time, lots of time having no expectations as to when your pain might be more bearable. Please, I don’t mean to sound so negative but you’ve both (as well as your precious children) have to face what lies before you. We love you both so much and will continue to pray to God that He will always be with you as you try to find a way to move forward.

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  9. Susan
    10 years ago

    16 years ago we lost two sons they died at birth. You both are a huge inspiration to anyone who has lost a child. May God bless you both

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  10. Dee
    10 years ago

    I am so sorry for your loss you and your family have been in my prayers and will continue to be as the days go by. Thank you for your words of encouragement to others and your praise, faith and love of God to others.
    These are a few verses that
    comes to mind for ME
    1 Samuel 1:27-28
    For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me my petition that I made to him. Therefore I have lent him to the Lord. As long as he lives, he is lent to the Lord.” And he worshiped the Lord there.

    2 Corinthians 1:4
    Who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God

    Thank you in Christ
    dee

    ReplyCancel
  11. Janell
    10 years ago

    I am so sorry for your loss. Though we have never met- what has been brought into your lives overwhelms me with grief for you, but because of Christ, there is grief with the beautiful knowledge of eternity with Jesus. It is just a temporary separation until you get to see your beautiful son again. May the God of peace, and comfort surround you and hold you tight during this painful time.

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  12. Dawn Webb
    10 years ago

    I found out from a friend of mine (Matt Allen) about your loss. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your words of strength. I pray our Father will continue to comfort you in your loss.

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  13. Olivia
    9 years ago

    Hi. My heart aches for your loss. I happened by your blog today through a friend on Facebook. I praise the Lord that He has been glorified through these past several months as your family has pressed in to Him in spite of the pain. God is good, and, although we understandably grieve here, what a comfort to know with certainty that your son is happy and safe in God’s presence. I have lost two loved ones this year and also look forward to a family reunion in Heaven one day. It truly excites me to think of it! I pray that God wraps His loving arms around you and comforts you on your journey. God bless you!

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Serena
10 years ago 14 Comments Death and Dyingdeath of a child529
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