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In the Valley of Shadows

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death… 

Each step in the valley has brought a new pain- a raw pain that goes into a place of my heart I never new existed before.

Several hours after my baby died an agonizing reality hit me mentally then physically. In just a few hours my milk would be full. My breasts would be full of life-giving milk to feed my baby. But he was gone.

Morning came. With no baby to nurse at my breasts they throbbed. Every time someone embraced me to offer comfort, instead  pain coursed through my body. The most nauseating step in this valley was binding my breast to stop their flow. I wept. My mother wept as she tightened the bandage around my chest.

What was designed by God to give nourishment, comfort, and love was now a painful reminder of what I lost. More than my baby, I lost my purpose.

I didn’t undress or shower for the next two days because I couldn’t bear to see  myself. Finally, when I gained the courage to take off my clothes, I still could not look in the mirror. I bore desolation in my flesh.

O Lord, what should I request for your people? I will ask for wombs that don’t give birth  and breasts that give no milk. Hosea 9: 14

For those days I bore pain of desolation step by step. I felt the cries of God’s forgotten people:

O death, bring on your terrors! O grave, bring on your plagues! Hosea 13:14

Death tormented me with its terror. Death strickened me with its plagues.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me. In the most intense moment of my suffering, God spoke a truth more powerful than my suffering.

Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting? 1 Cor. 15:55

God took me to my scariest place and said, “You are OK! You are not OK because I gave you a son, and not because I let you nurse him at your breast for these 9 weeks. You are OK because I AM!” The great I AM spoke truth to my suffering. The truth is that HE swallowed the terrors and plagues of death that assaulted me, but I have the choice whether or not to walk in that truth.

Today, what is your scariest place? Is it failure? Is it losing a relationship? Is it losing your livelihood, your marriage or your child? Let my life be a testimony, not to my great strength or my triumph, but let my life speak the truth to you, that in your valley of shadows- HE is there. And wherever HE is, you will be just fine.

greatiam

Hear the word of the Lord…

“Rejoice with Jerusalem and be glad for her, all you who love her; rejoice greatly with her, all you who mourn over her. For you will nurse and be satisfied at her comforting breasts; you will drink deeply and delight in her overflowing abundance.”

For this is what the Lord says:

“I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream; you will nurse and be carried on her arm and dandled on her knees. As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you; and you will be comforted over Jerusalem.” Isaiah 66: 10-13

 

 

Jan 31, 2013Serena
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Comments: 8
  1. Elizabeth Ellis
    12 years ago

    I love you, sweet sister. You know my prayer during that time. God’s answer and provision is amazing.

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  2. Gina Calvert
    12 years ago

    Physical manifestations of grief are the thinnest places of all. The barrier of the body that always divides between heaven and earth, is temporarily reduced to agonizing dust. i Am is where God started with me in my deepest sorrow as well, just as he started there with Moses: There is no sweeter connection to Him. Once body and spirit were restored, the full measure of that communion with Him was inaccessible. Though He has taken me many new places since then, your poignant story reminded me of the longing I have had at times to experience Him again as fully as I did in the valley of shadows.

    Powerful writing. Thank you for your courage.

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    • Serena
      12 years ago

      Thank you Gina. There are great blessings in the valley indeed.

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  3. Dana Carrozza
    12 years ago

    This morning I will be driving a van full of God fearing Loving women to go an hour away to the home of one of the most Godly woman I know.

    Our purpose is not for visiting or party or eating…..but Prayer!!

    We will be focused on God sitting upon His Throne and advocating for you and your family, and All our sisters in pain and trials!

    Just last night before we were leaving for services I got a call from a young woman of the world I have been counseling for over 3 years.
    “Please! Please No lectures…just Help me!”. She is 8 weeks pregnant with her 3rd child….”I can’t do it this time. I can’t have another kid…I don’t want another abortion Please Help! I only have 2 cans of soup in my house and don’t get food stamps till the 10th!”. I quickly made some calls to Christians in her area and they are going this morning to meet her physical , Spiritual & emotional needs.
    Bottom line they are going to stay close to her for the next 4-6 weeks to Keep her from Killing her unborn child with a legal abortion!

    How unbelievable that Your cries over the death of your precious Son …sound the same as a woman crying out for help Not to Kill her child?

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  4. Stephanie Moody
    12 years ago

    Serena, I thought of this soon after I heard of your terrible news. It must have been so heart wrenching that next morning and the days after. I hurt with you. Thank you for sharing these deeply personal thoughts and feelings. I hope it will help others to help others more in the future. I love you.

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  5. Cari Rusin
    12 years ago

    Oh, Serena how my heart aches for you. How I prayed so much during those first days about this very thing. How I will continue to pray to the Great Comforter for peace to flood you. It is during these moments of nursing that my heart aches for you the most. You will continue to have these moments of prayer for as long as I am able.
    Thank you for being open.

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    • Sandi Rog
      12 years ago

      Sweet Serena. I was thinking of you, and I was thinking of this very thing, aching for you. Praying for comfort and peace, my precious sister. xxx

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  6. Lori @ In My Kitchen, In My Life
    12 years ago

    I see I am not the only one who thought of your nursing breasts when she heard the terrible news of your son’s death. My own long-since dried-up breasts literally ached for you.

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Serena
12 years ago 8 Comments Christian Life, Death and Dying, Matters of the Heart, Motherhoodconquering fear, God's power452
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