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I Must Admit- I Have Missed It All

I have been deeply impacted by so much cultural talk about overcoming low self-esteem, having confidence and believing in myself, that I have missed the highest calling that God requires of his children. I have missed something so important that I can’t know God or even get close to him without it. In my quest to find myself and live out my purpose I have neglected the first requirement of being a child of God. Attempting to protect myself  from hurt, I have even gone in the other direction, turning my head on this one fundamental.

Humility.

So how do I know this about myself you might be wondering.  I mean from the outside you will see, I love to serve my family. I will serve the poor. I will let people have their way quite often. I will even keep quiet when I know someone is wrong about something.  I will reach out to the homeless, hungry, needy and addicted without reservation.

But tonight, God crushed me with a painful reality. I might have all those things down pat. But I have missed something right in front of my face. When I feel insulted or even teased by my husband I respond… well… with selfish disrespect. My words cut to core of who his is, or who he fears he is not as a man. My words can be like daggers to his heart.

I’ve done it hundreds of times. I did it today. When he brought it to my attention I wasn’t expecting it. But looking back on the exchange I see for the first time I didn’t try to look for a way to justify it. It actually shamed me. It shamed me because I realized (without a fight) that I hurt him. I hurt my husband in an effort to be right and prove a point.

I claim to follow God. God’s word says, “Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing” (1 Pet. 3:9). I have failed miserably.

I feel like I can’t keep writing this blog every day not come clean to you. I can’t have multitudes of people complimenting me and not be completely transparent to you. I have failed. Miserably. Today.

Jesus said, “Those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted” (Matt. 23:12).

The thought of God having to humble me honestly scares me out of my mind. I don’t want the hand of God to press me anymore. I don’t want to serve him because my life stinks when I don’t. I want to be a willing sacrifice. I want to be a humble, voluntary servant. I want to put other people’s hearts, especially my husband’s first. I want that to be what flows from my lips because that it what occupies my heart.

Great Healer,

I praise you for your mercy.  Today you have reminded me without it I would be lost. Forgive me for my blindness. Heal the hurt in my heart that causes me to wound those I love.  Take my heart and shape it with your hands. Make my life be an imitation of you. Not just what people see, but from the inside out, make me look like you.

Amen

 

 

Sep 2, 2012Serena
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Praying Moms Change the World One Child at a Time"Be Gentle With Me Jesus as You Tear Me Apart"
Comments: 3
  1. Paul
    9 years ago

    Pride [lack of humility] comes in many disguises, sometimes even mimicking an attitude of humility by great comments or service to others… Guilty too. Sometimes it is manifested as an unspoken commentary on brothers or sisters-in Christ – it’s sometimes so easy to think, “don’t they get it???” – referring to perhaps a spiritual concept or biblical point. For me, I need to constantly check my motivations to learn the bible and bible study – am I wanting to learn to be more pleasing to Yahweh or do I just want to add to my knowledge so I can feel better about myself?

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  2. Sonia Plyler
    9 years ago

    I echo your attitudes of repentance. I, too, am often guilty of lashing out with cutting comments to my husband, and though we often laugh them off instead of escalating into an argument, I often feel embarrassed later as the Holy Spirit puts pressure on me to recognize the ugliness of my words and how they tear down instead of building up. Proverbs 14:1 says that a wise woman builds her house but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands…and words. Then there are those times when I, like your reader Paul, have to check my motives for loving God’s Word – is it to build Him up as the True and Righteous One, or to build me up as right in others’ eyes? Sobering but necessary thought processes. Thank you for your transparency and willingness to let people see your life and learn from it. All praise to the Father!

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    • Serena
      9 years ago

      Sonia, I think I deflect a lot of personal accountability by laughing things off. Like if its a joke it isn’t supposed to hurt. As uncomfortable as the molding process is, and as much as I want to run away from it, after it’s over I am thankful that God’s desire is to purify me with fire.

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Serena
9 years ago 3 Comments Christian Life, Marriagehumble143
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