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I Can’t Write

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For the first time since Azaiah died I feel like I have nothing. I have no thoughts. I have no words. I have emptiness.

I haven’t written anything in a week. I don’t know how to articulate what’s in my head. I don’t know how to speak to the anxiety in my stomach or the fog in my head. There are moments it lifts, but I feel simply blah. And I am OK with that.

Today I may simply exist. I can’t write. I have nothing.

O Lord, don’t rebuke me in your anger
    or discipline me in your rage.
Have compassion on me, Lord, for I am weak.
    Heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
I am sick at heart.
    How long, O Lord, until you restore me?

Return, O Lord, and rescue me.
    Save me because of your unfailing love.
For the dead do not remember you.
    Who can praise you from the grave?

I am worn out from sobbing.
    All night I flood my bed with weeping,
    drenching it with my tears.
My vision is blurred by grief;
    my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

Go away, all you who do evil,
    for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my plea;
    the Lord will answer my prayer.
May all my enemies be disgraced and terrified.
    May they suddenly turn back in shame.

Psalm 6

When I am nothing, when I have nothing, He is everything.

 

Mar 4, 2013Serena
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Grieving TogetherGod, Why Me?
Comments: 10
  1. Dana Carrozza
    9 years ago

    This post my Sweet Sister is more Powerful than writing !

    This post is showing and sharing with others that when your life is at a loss, you turn to Gods word!

    You are sharing with us your deepest feelings..the good , bad & ugly but most importantly the Truth in your grief!

    Gods word is the greatest healer and encourager there is!

    Please keep all of these words together for this most tender first year and compile a book with them…also with all the comments and then comment on what was helpful / hurtful. We All need to learn and grow with you in your walk .

    This book could prove invaluable to so many!

    ReplyCancel
  2. Samantha
    9 years ago

    My heart aches for you, Serena. Though I don’t know what it is like to hold my child in my arms and then have them be gone forever, I do know what it is like to lose a child. The pain leaves your breathless and, yes, even wordless. I had a blog at one time but when I had a miscarriage I stopped writing. I withdrew into myself and stopped talking to people. It seemed that people were tired of hearing about the baby that was suppose to be in my arms. It was the only thing I could think about. For a year my life stopped, and I began healing. Now that my year has passed, I’ve considered writing again. I’ve had some friends encourage it, but I don’t know if I’m ready to share. What I mean in all of this is to encourage you to continue to share. There are many like you who have experienced loss and through you they will heal as well. You are not alone, but loved not only by your friends and family here, but by our God. He will never leave you nor forsake you.

    ReplyCancel
  3. Rachel
    9 years ago

    Maybe today is a day for others to build YOU up. Just wanted you to know you are still in my prayers and throughts. Grief knows no time limits. Maybe today’s post over at www.aholyexperience.com is heaven-sent for you. Maybe it’s a Psalm 46 day. I love you.

    ReplyCancel
    • Samantha
      9 years ago

      I was given her book, One Thousand gifts, after we lost our baby. It was very healing for me.

      ReplyCancel
  4. jane ann
    9 years ago

    For not being able to write anything ….
    Pretty powerful, my child! My spirit is empty today!
    But God is with us both…love ya, mom

    ReplyCancel
  5. Kate Cavanaugh
    9 years ago

    Serena,
    Thank you for being real. For sharing exactly where you are in your grief. People know what a woman of incredible faith you are. So your willingness to share your vulnerability, emptiness, sadness allows others the freedom to feel and admit their own weakness and allow God to be their strength; instead of hiding and being ashamed of that weakness. Thinking of and praying for you often.

    Kate

    ReplyCancel
  6. Cari
    9 years ago

    Continued prayers always, dear sister. May the Lord of Peace flood you.

    ReplyCancel
  7. Sylvia
    9 years ago

    I don’t know you, but I am learning how I should have handled grief in the past, and hopefully, how I will handle grief in the future.

    By saying nothing, you preached a loud and powerful sermon.

    Thanks.

    ReplyCancel
  8. Theresa
    9 years ago

    I found this verse not too long ago, and it really spoke volumes to me. About how even when I feel like nothing….feel so different than I once was and so empty….knowing that God is rebuilding me up again, and someday I will dance again. I hope you find it encouraging as well….

    The Lord appeared in the past saying “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful.
    ~Jeremiah 31:3-4~

    (My daughter passed away in July)

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      9 years ago

      Oh Theresa, thank you for sharing that verse.

      ReplyCancel

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Serena
9 years ago 10 Comments Death and Dying, Matters of the Heart, Mental Health172
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