I can’t believe that two years have passed since Azaiah was safe inside my womb. I can’t believe it has been two years since we celebrated his soon-to-be birth. Two years since we picked his name. Two years since his big brother decided we would decorate his room with camo. Two years since his sisters bought little sleepers with trucks and airplanes.
Two years and my tears still fall.
Two years and my arms still ache.
Two years and my breasts still yearn to nurse the baby I could not keep.
“There is no greater pain than the separation of mother and child.”
I know. I know that everyday.
Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
She cannot forget. I cannot forget. I cannot forget my son. I cannot forget his name. I cannot forget the way he felt in my arms. I cannot forget his smell. I cannot forget his clothes. I cannot forget my last moment with him snuggling on the couch.
I can’t forget even when I want to.
But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! Is 49:15
As fiercely as I love a son I cannot have, as desperate as my tears and as vivid as my nightmares… are God’s memories of me. He loves me.
He loves me. He cannot forget me. He cannot shake loose the memories of me. He cannot get the pictures of me out of his head. He cannot stop remember knitting me in my mother’s womb. He cannot stop remembering the way I felt or how I smelled. He can’t forget me.
As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you and you will be comforted… Is. 66:13
I beg him for comfort.
The thought that brings me comfort is remembering holding my son. The hope that salves my heart is the thought of him returning to my arms.
I imagine my Father feels the same way. The thing that keeps him going is the thought of me coming home.
Here’s the beautiful thing… He can’t forget you either. He can’t stop seeing pictures of you in his memories and he wants you back.
Will you go? Will you go back into his arms? Will you let him be your Papa? Do it for yourself. Do it for Him. He wants you. Go home.