How To Get Your Preacher’s Wife Packing

I actually despise the label “preacher’s wife” and its connotations, but I lack for a better term. So on we go.

The preacher’s wife can, not only make or break a preacher, she can make or break a church.

I have seen preacher’s wives who gracefully complement their husbands and some who eloquently labor beside him in the ministry as a fellow heir. I have seen others who have destroyed churches with their gossip, their public hypocrisy and their lack-luster participation in the work.

I hear from a lot of women who struggle with their role as the “preacher’s wife.” I also hear from a lot of women who struggle with their preacher’s wife.

Why so much struggle? What does the Bible say about our role? Well, the Bible actually says very little about the role of a preacher’s wife.

1. Paul made a case for the apostle’s right to have a godly wife travel with them.

Do we not have the right to take along a believing wife, as do the other apostles and the brothers of the Lord and Cephas? 1 Cor. 9:5

2. Wives of servants of the church have a moral obligation to holiness.

Their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things. 1 Tim 3:11

3. Wives can partner with their husbands in teaching.

Priscilla and Aquila heard him, they took him aside and explained to him the way of God more accurately. Acts 18:26

Why the struggle? Well, maybe it’s because we’ve made an official church position out of something that really isn’t that at all. Maybe we are just Christians, just women and just wives who have had a lot of man-made expectations heaped on us.

If you want to get your preacher’s wife packing keep heaping those created expectations on her. You are sure to make her feel isolated, alienated, unappreciated and overworked.

However, if you want to encourage her in her walk with the Lord, her personal ministry and in her marriage, these are some things you might want to know.

Sometimes my faith falters.

I am not always rock solid in my faith. I don’t always do things right. I don’t always say things right. I make mistakes. And I hate it, but I still sin.

My kids are bad.

Last summer my family had dinner with a Mennonite family that also has 6 kids at home. I was so relieved when those kids ran through the flower bed and broke our hosts marigolds right in two. You see, I had these expectation that Mennonite kids are always barefoot and bonnetted, well-mannered and well-behaved. But guess what? They are actually just regular kids. Mine are too.

Satan wages a daily war against me, my home, my husband and our marriage.

We have dedicated our life to destroying the devil’s strong holds. He hates that. He attacks in our heart, through our ministry, our children and through any place he finds a weakness. He tries every day to knock us down.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed.

Sometimes I want to come assemble with Christians and just worship. I don’t want the pressure to greet everyone, schedule events, answer questions or even to smile at everyone. Sometimes I want to sit quietly and reverently in communion with God.

I want to be one of you.

There was a subtle scene in Moms’ Night Out that made me sad. When the mom’s are out bowling, Patricia Heaton’s character, the preacher’s wife, says it’s been years since anyone asked her to go out. Do you see your preacher’s wife as your peer? Is she one of the girls? Or do you isolate her in a category all on her own. It is a lonely place to be if you have no friends. It is especially hard if you have no confidants.

Sometimes I just want my husband.

I get jealous of all the time my husband spends ministering to the church, taking late night phone calls and leaving home in a moments notice to meet needs. Sometimes I just want him to spend time with me, drop what he is doing for me and spend late nights talking to me. More often I get a man who has spent himself in service all day and falls asleep before his head his the pillow.

So if you want her to bail, keep her walls built or just simply be unhappy, make no effort toward her. But remember this, whether she is married to the preacher or drunk, God says:

Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ’s body. We are many parts of one body, and we all belong to each other… Don’t just pretend to love others. Really love them… Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other... keep on praying. When God’s people are in need, be ready to help them. Always be eager to practice hospitality… Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. -from Rom. 12

Up next… The Preacher’s Wives Club: How To Thrive In Your Ministry

Jun 2, 2014Serena

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Comments: 18

debbi walton
10 years ago
AMEN and AMEN!!!
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Amber
10 years ago
My mother was a preacher’s wife, and these problems were so hard on her that my father did eventually quit preaching full time. That’s so sad to me.
I am a preacher’s wife and, thankfully, I have not felt isolated or judged in these ways. Maybe it’s just my personality to not be offended or care much what others think. But sometimes I do just want my husband to be home for dinner once in a while. It is hard to know that he is “on call” 24/7. I know that he is doing work with eternal weight, and I try to remind myself and my children of that every day.
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Karita
10 years ago
I’ve commented on a topic like this before and I will comment again. As part of the “Preacher’s Family” it was so hard to know where you stood at all times. The people who smiled at you on Sunday morning were sometimes the people who talked about you Sunday afternoon over lunch. I remember when I was teenager, someone close to me at the time was warned “Watch out for her, she leads a double life.” No, I didn’t. I was 100% sincere in my love for Christ and my parents were raising me right. But, I was also a girl trying desparately to navigate through waters that I didn’t choose. I was living in my Daddy’s calling, not my own and I knew that every move I made was scrutinized because I was the preacher’s daughter. So, my adivce to those who look to the preacher’s family for perfection, offer a little grace. Place yourself in their shoes, because most times the wife and the kids didn’t ask for the lives they lead. If you see one of them struggling, try offering a hand, a shoulder or a prayer. All of those things can go a long way towards softening the hearts of all involved.
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Michelle Hillier
10 years ago
Oh Serena… this brings tears to my eyes. I struggled with this so much. .. especially as I was just a baby Christian really. Now my struggle is how to fit in as the ‘ex’ preacher. I recently had a conversation with a friend in this role and she also echoed these same sentiments. … I just wanted to shout from the church roof. …. preachers wife make awesome friends too!! Thanks for spreading the word, if we ever hire a new preacher I will do be frIends with his wife! !
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- Michelle Hillier
  10 years ago
  Oops.. doing this on my phone.. it was supposed to say ‘ex’ preachers wife!!!
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  - Serena
    10 years ago
    Thank you for sharing that Michelle.
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Joan
10 years ago
My husband makes tents for a living and preaches when small local works ask him each month in our area or when we travel to other small works. He is often under appreciated because he is not a “big personality” or well known in the CoC circuit. I have never thought of my self as a “preachers wife”, more like a Pricilla to my Aquilla. Our family does give up alot of time for him to minister to others, visit those in prison, mentor young men who do not have Godly fathers or spend time in private bible study and preparation. Honestly,I fight my selfish nature many times over just wanting to be somewhere on his “to do” list. Thank you for this honest examination of how our expectations can be used by Satan to derail those in the trenches doing God’s work of spreading the good news. We are most blessed to have Godly men who love to give and serve. I pray for the strength to be a Godly helpmeet who builds up my servant husband in this calling.
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Brent
10 years ago
I try to emphasize to my children the blessings of being the preachers kids. I never, ever, support any kind of victimization surrounding this issue. My kids think it is the coolest thing to come to work with me, and play at the building when no one else is there. They ask regularly to come. I embrace this and emphasize how lucky they are. Being the preachers kids or wife, doesn’t have to be viewed from the negative side. My parents were that way with us too.

That being said my family needs to know I will stick up for them. I always believed my dad would do that. He wasn’t going to let me be held to a higher standard simply because I was a preacher’s kid. He emphasized that we did what we did because it was right, not because it was our job. I don’t expect anymore of my children or wife than what I believe they are capable and I don’t believe anyone else has the right either. I have subtly dealt with these kinds of things for my wife before, and I rarely share the situations with her if they do arise (which they rarely do). This is a burden she doesn’t need to carry. Preachers would do well to keep many things to themselves. When I feel like someone is suggesting my wife do something I don’t think she should do, I have said things before like “well she has two young children to take care of, so she probably can’t do that, but that is a great idea. I think you could do a lot of good by doing something like that.” Two things usually happen: 1. The person realizes that they can do this and its not just someone else’s job to take care of, or 2. They stop wasting my time by trying to throw things off on my wife that they are fully capable of doing themselves.

None of this has to be done in a mean spirit, and in fact I have seen some good things happen in these situations. My main goal is to get everyone to realize that they have something to offer, including myself and my family. Secondly, In as loving a way as possible I try to indicate pretty clearly that i’m not going to let my family be run all over. Usually these kinds of things happen shortly after getting to a place, but they rarely continue very long (at least that is our experience). I think people sometimes are unfair to preachers families, but I think overall saints have really good hearts, and most of the time don’t mean any harm by suggestions or things they say. Sometimes their comments just aren’t well thought out, or they don’t understand how they sound. Long comment sorry.
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- Serena
  10 years ago
  I’m with you all the way Brent. Over all I do think saints have good hearts. We have been abundantly blessed and provided for my the children of God. But there are some wolves among us. Some of my deepest wounds have also been inflicted by other members of the church who do not look or act like Jesus at all.
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Brooke
10 years ago
I don’t really consider myself a “preacher’s wife” so to speak, even those he does preach, but I can sympathize all too well with having no real friends or confidants. I have not participated in a “girls night out” in about, oh, 7 or 8 years. I don’t have a friend that I call whenever I’m in a rut. I’m not sure it’s to blame on being a preacher’s wife, as much as maybe the mother of little kids with a busy husband, but I would like to say to the women out there– definitely remember each other, take care of each other socially and emotionally as well as spiritually and physically. Men might balk at that, but it is so important. If you don’t have an outlet for release of emotion, or just an adult to talk to (anyone over the age of 4 will do for me!), you end up bottling up a lot of stress, pain, and sadness.
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Anoymous
10 years ago
I think too many people want to stay an arm’s length away from the preacher – or his wife. It’s sad that too many preachers and their wives are excluded from events/get together because no one is comfortable enough to have them in their home. We have a large family, so many don’t want a large family in their home. It’s hard to do the right thing and be a family when you can be excluded so easily. Thankfully I have found other older Christian women as a confidant to pick me up when I feel down. Just not locally. I think we could all do better to be more friendly to each other and make time for one another even though we all get busy. I would like to see people try to be a part of the solution instead of a a part of the problem. If something needs done, do it! Quietly serve and don’t expect the preacher or his wife to pick up the slack all the time. If you want more get together/events in your church – host the event in your home! Ask others to bring food/games and have a good time. Host a singing night. Be friendly, get/earn friends. Simple.
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Jill Wallace
10 years ago
Quit thinking of yourself as “the preacher’s wife.” All Christian women have temptations and struggles. Start thinking of yourself as “one of them.” You are just a regular member. When you adopt this attitude, the congregation will also see you in this way! You will become “one of them” and your work as a “preachers wife” will become much more meaningful (less obligation) and much more pleasant!
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- Anonymous
  10 years ago
  Hi, Jill– I wish that what you said was true – and maybe it is, in others’ experience! – but I don’t think it is. What I mean to say is that yes, wives of pastors are indeed just another member of the congregation, but our considering ourselves in that way does very little to change how the rest of the congregation sees us.
  
  At a previous church, I had what I thought were good friends. Because I always have considered myself as just another member of the congregation, I was transparent with them, and we hung out regularly. Then our family went through something very difficult. The stress of that situation was so intense, I entered a deep depression. I was really just barely holding my head above water. When I went to one of these friends for help, she said, “That sucks” (her words, not mine), and walked out the door. When I tried to approach it again (thinking maybe I’d selfishly not seen that the last time was bad timing), I got lectured, and didn’t respond well. I did respond sinfully, it’s true. But I confessed my sin, sought forgiveness, and it was verbally, but not actually, granted. She, in action, though not in word, essentially refused to speak to me ever again. The other friend basically dropped me, too – though slightly more kindly. I’d been Bible teacher, counselor, head of women’s ministry, pianist, unacknowledged and unpaid full-time employee of the church, and then God finally granted our request to be parents, but that was not acceptable to those we served. Motherhood revealed where I am weakest, and when I expressed that weakness, as “just another member of the congregation,” to the women I trusted the most, looking for accountability and help, they resented that I was no longer “the strong one” they thought I was, and I was no longer useful to them.
  
  All that to say, I understand what you’re saying, and we who are wives to pastors aren’t above the rest of the congregation, nor are we *really* called to anything outside of what God calls every other child of His to. But viewing ourselves in that way does very little to change how the rest of the church sees us. So I get what you’re saying, but I wish there was a little bit more compassion in your tone, and maybe a bit more understanding that the things Serena said are actually true in what most pastor’s wives have experienced. The solution to it isn’t nearly as simple as we *all* wish it was.
  
  Thanks,
  A hurting — and growing — pastor’s wife
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  - Anonymous
    10 years ago
    I should clarify that the intense situation was adoption from foster care after 9 years of infertility. I just realized that my comment about finally getting to be parents probably seemed like out of left field.
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    - Serena
      10 years ago
      “A hurting and growing pastor’s wife” says it all. I’m praying for you now.
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Brian Giselbach
10 years ago
I understand your frustrations through my wife. I don’t know if this will help: Don’t despise the label of “preacher’s wife”. Exalt in it. Give it richness and depth of meaning, and beauty. Give it definition (so that when people think of what a preacher’s wife should be , they think of you). God has never called a woman to anything higher.
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Ricki Lee Brooks
10 years ago
This post is beautiful. I’ve been a pastor for a long time. Early in our ministry, my wife, Vanita, felt the preacher’s wife pressure. Like you, she just decided to let Jesus be enough. She became a blessing to thousands. When my two boys were teens and my little girl just eight, a drunk driver killed Vanita. All four of us still cry. We also celebrate. Each of them walks with the Lord and serves. They will tell you it’s because of Mom and two Dad’s. Of course, I’m the second Dad and God the Father’s first. Vanita was so right: He, the Son, and the Holy Spirit…oh indeed how he is enough. Reading your post boosts the memories and the blessings flow. I will be praying for you as you walk between the rails…one track pain, the other the purpose and pleasure of God…our Savior using both to translate your life into his glory and others gain. I know…it happened for me today. Thank you so very much. Eph. 3:14-21.
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- Serena
  10 years ago
  WOW! Thank you so much for this.
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