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His Son Died Too

dadziah

I am sitting in a little outpatient room with my husband. He just had minor outpatient surgery. I was ready post-op to get some funny videos of the crazy thing he says after anesthesia.

I got my camera ready. I asked how his surgery went. He repeated the same thing over and over. Then I told him I was going to make a video for Facebook and asked him if he had any messages for his kids. In his sedated state he said, “Just one. Azaiah. I want him to know I love him and I miss him.”

What I intended for a laugh stabbed my heart. For two years I have been a mother who lost her baby. Today, for the first time, I saw a father who lost his son.

I realized that for two years I have been the mother. I have been the mother whose baby died. I have been the mother who was tortured by silenced cries. I am the mother whose breasts ached to nurse a child in the ground.

I have been so full of my own grief that I have been blinded to another tragedy. His son died too. My husband lost his son.

As I sit here and watch him sleep, my spirit drifts and dreams of our son. I hear him say:

Dad, I love you too. I know that you had plans for me there. I know you wanted to hear me run through the house. I know you wanted to hear my laughter and watch me grow. I know you wanted me to play with trains like my brother did. You wanted to watch me dig in the dirt, play baseball and be your boy.  

I wanted that too. 

I miss you. I know you miss me there, but I miss you here. I can’t wait for you to come. Please hurry. We don’t die here. We don’t even need a sun because the glory of Father shines on us. His presence erases any fear or sadness. It is just perfect.

Well, I must go. Worship around the throne starts soon. Take care of Mom for me and give brother and sisters a hug from me. See you soon!

Love, Your son, Azaiah

 

 

 

 

 

Feb 26, 2015Serena
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Comments: 4
  1. AJ
    10 years ago

    :’-) ♡

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  2. Rhonda
    10 years ago

    🙁 Tell Dan I love him.

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  3. Paul
    10 years ago

    This I understand completely, and your conclusion of having not seen Dan’s grief is common among couples who have lost a child. We grieve in different ways. But I’m inclined to believe that it is this that most threatens the marriages of those who have lost a child. The mother is “allowed” to show and share her grief (at least initially) with others. The father often accepts her grief, but we men aren’t good with sharing emotions to start with, so we bury it and tell ourselves that we’ll “deal with it”. But the time is never “convenient” to share, and if – for no other reason than wanting to avoid adding to his wife’s grief or sabatoging moments that she appears to finally be able to cope – we swallow it. The price of swallowing it is the choking of more and more communications and separating/divorcing. Also, conversation that does happens is shallow.

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    • Serena
      10 years ago

      I hope all the married couples reading take special note of this.

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Serena
10 years ago 4 Comments Death and Dying, Fatherhood, Grief, Uncategorizeddeath of a child, father and son, grief1,393
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