Sleeplessness, fatigue, irritability, depression, anxiety, tremors and obsessive thoughts.
These led me to make the call. I needed a therapist who deals with trauma and specifically religious trauma.
Here’s what I knew. Whenever there has been conflict within the church, my flight mechanism kicks in overdrive. I go into hyper-protection mode. I shut down. I hide.
Why?
It isn’t lack of commitment to the body of Christ. It isn’t lack of love. It isn’t pride.
It is primal fear. Fear of abandonment. Fear of not belonging. Fear that turns me into that child whose parents divorced, who was sexually abused within the family and the little girl who would do anything to belong.
The secret parts of my heart cry, please don’t leave. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me again. Please don’t leave me alone.
When I became a Christian and joined a church, I naively believed it was a gift-wrapped perfect family from the Father. Thirty-two years later, I wish I could tell that teenage girl to guard her heart.
I wish I could tell her that there are still wounded people here. I wish I could tell her some of them come with their own trauma. I wish I could warn her some of them will hurt you inadvertently and some will hurt you intentionally.
While some things have hurt, while actions or expectations of others have pierced my heart, I am learning the real enemy is me.
Enemies have taught me to know—what hardly anyone knows—that a person has no enemies in the world except himself. – St. Nikoli
I betray myself when I believe I am unlovable. I lie to myself when I say I am not worth staying for. I am my own enemy when I act on feelings that are not the truest things about me.
So what are the truest things about me?
This requires a whole lot of unpacking because I come from a fairly high control religious tradition where the emphasis on being right trumps love. I heard more talk about all the things not to do rather than how to walk with Christ. I heard very little about the glory of God or who I am in Him. I heard a lot more about God’s wrath rather than his grace.
I learned conforming to a set of beliefs was part of acceptance into the community. I learned that thinking differently, even when biblical or historical, endangered one’s acceptance in the community.
So am I only lovable when I conform? Am I only accepted if I behave properly? Will I belong even if?
What does He say?
Many times I have put myself in Peter’s shoes when the resurrected Christ asked, “Do you love me?”
“Yes Lord, I love you.”
This is one of the truest things about me. I love God. I am the servant who was forgiven much. I am the woman spared from stoning. I am the one he met at the well who couldn’t contain the magnitude of what she saw. I love Him truly.
He says, “I have called you by name, you are mine.”
He says, “My Father has given [you] to me, and he is more powerful than anyone else. No one can snatch [you] from the Father’s hand.”
He says, “So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.”
And so, in my healing journey, I must learn that my fears or my feelings that get so loud when wounds are reopened are not the truest things. The truest thing is He loves me a lot and I love him.
Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you.
Psalm 9:10