Grieving Together

hands

” And Isaac brought Rebekah into his mother Sarah’s tent, and she became his wife. He loved her deeply, and she was a special comfort to him after the death of his mother.” Gen. 24:67

So I have a tendency to withdraw from people when I hurt. I tend to crawl  into my hole, leaving those outside feeling isolated, especially my husband.

I suppose God tucked away this little verse in Genesis 24:67 for me. When Isaac was grieving the loss of his mother he married Rebekah. He loved her deeply. She was a special comfort to him.

I love this because during Isaac’s time of grief he allowed God to comfort him through the covenant of marriage and hands of his wife. In my grief there are moments that marriage is abrasive to me. There are moments when I don’t want to let my husband in. There are even moments I think I would rather be alone.

But what I have forgotten is that God can still use marriage for me like he did for Isaac if I only let him. I can wall myself off in my pain or I can reach out. I can speak my hurt and allow the arms my husband to be my strength or I can maintain barriers and let it all fall apart.

I have a choice, keep him out or be vulnerable… to tough it out alone, or dig deep into our marriage and let God dwell there. Today I have made the choice to let God dwell there.

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.” Matthew 12:25

 

Serena
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Comments: 5
  1. Paul Thrower
    10 years ago

    Serena,
    This is much of what I wanted to write to you and Dan for after the “dust” of the death/funeral cleared. You aren’t doing anything “wrong” (nor is your mom) in expressing the grief, but deep down there is held a hope that somehow the grief will lessen because we have shared. But it doesn’t – we have to walk through that fire. Though we all still care, by now you may feel a sense of being “abandoned” by brethren – you post messages of grief but fewer replies come back, and it becomes discouragement on top of grief. (been there, done that). You have spoken wisely about grief between you and your husband because it is this link that Satan most wants to destroy (been there and done that too!). You have posted many very poignant and helpful posts on the heart of our marriages and how we often give in to our weaknesses. Satan hates that because you have equipped many to start rebuilding that which is broken.
    But you are left with the nagging grief, the finding of socks at an inopportune time, perhaps a baby’s cry, or even something on TV and it’s there again. And then there’s Dan. Maybe he comforts you as he can when he sees grief, but he can’t read your mind. And he is likely holding back his grief because he feels “she’s got enough on her plate, I won’t burden her more”, and so he pulls inward and thinks, “I can handle this ok by myself”.
    I URGE you, please find some way to be open to each other, and realize that you may have to pry it out of Dan – he may even think he’s doing ok, but it comes out in one way or another, and often destructive – short-changing sleep – gotta get that work done – I need more study time…. fill in the blank
    You have addressed many destructive things against a marriage, but I urge you both – be not deceived with a sense of pride, “I’m doing ok; Satan didn’t win this; we’re victorious” (you are, but only in Yahweh’s strength!). I would advise you that perhaps your most vicious attack on your marriage is potentially to come because our Adversary has millenia of experience to try and destroy what God ordained through human weakness.
    I don’t say this to discourage, only to be real because I’ve walked the path and lost much. This has the potential to be a strength borne through many tears and I pray it is thus with you. But understand what I say, the grief is not done and you will walk through much sorrow before the storm is truly over. I am certain that you can overcome this through Yahweh because of Yeshua, our Salvation. Cling to Him and cling to each other in a way you have never before known.

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  2. 10 years ago

    Your openness and honesty is heartbreaking and refreshing at the same time. When our infant son died 27 years ago, we were told that many marriages do not survive the death of a child. Ours has, thankfully, not fallen victim. Our relationship changed. Everything changed. That’s not necessarily a bad thing — just different. Embrace the change in your relationship and know that it can be stronger than it was before.

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  3. janet bragg
    10 years ago

    Serena,
    Rachel Kemple shared your site with me. Nearly 3 years ago we lost our 30 year old son to a sudden illness. When I began the grieving process, I didn’t realize that it was a journey that would only end when I am re-united with my baby boy.
    Sometimes I feel that my friends look at me and wonder when I am going to get over it. As a woman of faith, it has been hard for me to accept my grieving self and I wonder, “should ‘nt I be handling this better?” Shouldn’t I be over the despair I feel at times.? After all, I am so blessed to have the hope of joining my boy again….I have soooo many blessings, but it doesn’t take away the pain.
    I believe God gives me the strength to endure, but there will never be victory over it until god grants my ultimate victory over death.
    Just KNOW that all you are experiencing is so normal and your counsel is wise. So you are going to be ok…well, never truly ok….but you will survive. Praise God that you recognize your need to reach out to your husband.
    My husband was not as open with his grieving as I, and I resented that and didn’t think he cared as much as I. What an insult that was to his individual grieving process. Now, as we have worked to share our grief, I understand that the depth of his feelings are as great as mine….he tends to express it in private, while I am just all out there with it. I have found that just saying, “was that hard for you?”, “does it bother you to drive by his house?” or “how do you deal with going to work every day?” (we have a family business and all 3 sons and their dad were together nearly every day of their adult lives) Questions open our hearts to each other and I have come to realize we are going through the same process in different ways and different speeds.
    I pray for you and your family. Your life is forever changed and you won’t “get over it”.
    You will be a different person with a much different perspective on life and death. We all have a new normal!

    An afterthought….One of the most difficult times for me is taking The Lord’s Supper. Sometimes I can focus on the Father and feel comforted knowing that God gave his perfect son and that He had to watch Him suffer so he knows how I feel. Other times I am focused on Jesus and I feel His pain and suffering and it brings memories that I would rather forget. It is a difficult time.

    I am thinking this has been therapy for me…..so thank you.

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Serena
10 years ago 5 Comments Christian Life, Death and Dying, Marriage, 348