Build Him Up: Respect

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Encourage one another and build each other up…       1 Thes. 5:11

Unappreciated. Alone. Misunderstood. Invisible.

Have you ever felt that way in your marriage?  As women that leaves us feeling isolated and our biggest fear becomes reality. We are unloved.

This is so huge because we are relational to our core. We are women. Love is the language that we speak. When we feel unloved our world doesn’t work. We shut down. We build a wall to protect ourselves because it hurts so deeply in our spirit. I know I am not the only one who has felt this. I know you get it.

God gets it too. That’s why he is sure to tell our husbands:

  • Treat your wife with understanding as you live together (1 Pet.3: 7).
  • For husbands, this means love your wives (Eph. 5:25).

I felt so unloved and insecure in my marriage that I responded with anger, bitterness and disrespect to my husband. My words were often sharp, critical and contentious.

Then my eyes were opened to a crucial truth. Respect is the core language of men. Respect is as life-giving to my husband’s heart as love is to mine. When I feel unloved I behave disrespectfully. When he feels disrespected he behaves unlovingly. Emerson Eggerich calls it the Crazy Cycle. And it doesn’t work.

The way I was acting didn’t draw out love from my husband. My disrespect fueled the crazy cycle. We rode that cycle until we collapsed.

crazy cycle

So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Eph. 5:33

Respect revs up the heart of a man.  Respect makes him feel like anything is possible. Respect makes him believe he’s got what it takes.

As much as feeling unloved disables you, feeling disrespected extinguishes the fire in your husband’s heart. God gets this too. That’s why he tells us:

  • “The steady dripping of rain and the nagging of a wife are one and the same” (Prov. 27:15).
  • “Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife” (Prov. 21:19).
  • “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives” (1 Pet 3:1).
  • “The wife must respect her husband” (Eph. 5:33).

We disrespect him when we:

  1. Nag
  2. Make fun of him
  3. Belittle him
  4. Criticize him
  5. Doubt his ability
  6. Take charge
  7. Talk about him behind his back
  8. Undermine his parenting
  9. Keep secrets

We respect him when we:

  1. Tell him
  2. Trust his decisions
  3. Praise him
  4. Support his dreams
  5. Ask his opinion first
  6. Make him a priority
  7. Believe in him
  8. Brag on him

Whether you want your husband to take out the trash or take his rightful place as the spiritual leader of your home, if he feels disrespected he simply will not. Build him up with respect. Today let’s do it together. Let’s resolve to respect our men.

Lord God,

You designed the intricacies of our hearts. Help me to respect my husband today. Help me to build him up. Help me to trust him, to praise him, to believe in him. Forgive me for being a nagging wife. Forgive me for criticizing him and doubting him. Please renew me and give me a heart that truly respects the man you gave me.

Amen

(This is the second in a series on building up our husbands. Be sure to check out the previous post, Build Him Up: How Wives Can Encourage Their Husbands.)

Serena
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Comments: 6
  1. 9 years ago

    I love this and you are SO right. If I were to add one thing to your list, I would add “Roll your eyes at him” to your disrespect list. I do this without even realizing it sometimes and it is a bad thing. Thanks!

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  2. kp
    9 years ago

    ThankYou Serena!!!

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  3. Susan
    9 years ago

    As a survivor of a 16 year marriage, I can say this: No matter how hard a woman may labor to respect her husband, if he does not earn respect, if he does not respect himself, disaster is coming. There comes a point at which a woman can fall into the abyss with him, or stand strong no matter how it hurts. Submission becomes excruciating when a man refuses to be responsible. Or when, against all reason, he chooses to rebel against God. Sometimes one must walk that fine line of respecting his position as husband, even though the individual man has not earned respect. He may even have earned DISrespect. Younger sisters, if you find yourself in such a situation, cling to God desperately with ALL your might! Be preparing to stand strong in the day of hot spiritual combat. Do not entrust all of your self-respect to the whims of a foolish man. Be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove. If you have a strong, godly husband who cherishes you, then thank God, and show respect to that man. He is a rare treasure.

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    • 8 years ago

      Hi Susan,

      Submission to a husband should be withing the bounds of Christ law. If your husband disobeys Christ law, then definitely his “head” or leader is not Christ. Therefore, the verse below is not applicable to you, because the leadership hierarchy is broken, because he is not being lead by Christ

      “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” I Corinthians 11:3

      Nevertheless, your behavior as a wife should be in a way that leads him to Christ. Which is what you want. Because if he is really under Christ, he will protect you, be responsible, be the provider, love you as he loves his own body etc..

      However if what he wants is against Christ law… like willfully not working and be a bum, then definitely you need to SET BOUNDARIES and STANDARDS.

      Example.. it is written that anyone who does not work (but who is capable of working) does not have the right to eat. Then you don’t have the obligation to cook food for him. But again, this should be done diplomatically. Talk to him with respect, build him up but if it is apparent that he is just lazy…. tell him the consequence of his continued actions (or inactions) and enforce your boundaries/standards accordingly upon repeated violations and warnings.

      Hope this helps.

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  4. 8 years ago

    Hi Serena,

    Totally agree with your post. It should also be noted that God commands us to respect everyone.

    “Show proper respect to everyone, love the family of believers, fear God, honor the emperor.” 1 Peter 2:17 NIV

    Much more your husband should be respected because he is your head or as you termed it as “spiritual leader”

    Because in a God ordained marriage, the head of the wife is his husband; who is headed by Christ.

    “But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” I Corinthians 11:3

    I would like to also add another important point about respect. And it is around submission. It is commanded by Christ for wives to submit to her husband even if the husband is not being lead by Christ or is an unbeliever (of course within the bounds of Christ law). Without respect you can not have the proper behavior required to influence him… to change him and lead him to Christ.

    “Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”
    I Peter 3:1-2 (NIV)

    However, on the point of view of the husband… if his wife is disrespectful because she may be an unbeliever… the christian husband should know how to save the marriage, lead his wife, protect her and earn her respect.

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Serena
9 years ago 7 Comments Fatherhood, Marriage, Submission in Marriage, Wife, , , , 2,327