6 Unexpected Side Effects of Grief

What-is-Anxiety-Disorder

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” C.S. Lewis

Fifteen months have passed since my son died. I get out of bed more often. I am responsible for housework again.  I don’t cry as much. But I am definitely dealing with long-term side-effects of grief that I didn’t expect.

1. Fatigue

I am sad and tired. Psalm 119:28

I am tired. I start the day tired. I end the day tired. I wear out easily. Some days I just live for the moment when I know I can get back in my bed.

2. Restlessness

You would not let me sleep. I tried to pray, but I was too upset.
I kept thinking about the past, about things that happened long ago. Psalm 77:4-5

I am sleepless. Once I do get back to my bed, I lay awake. My mind races. I toss and turn. My thoughts aren’t always about Azaiah. But there’s a lot of thoughts shooting through my head. I don’t sleep.

3. Irritability

 I am weary from distress. Psalm 57:6

I am distress. Noise. Clutter. Chaos. My skin crawls.  My fuse is short. And sometimes I just want it to all go away.

4. Lack of Focus

My vision is blurred by grief. Psalm 6:7

I am blurred. The calendar overwhelms me. Sometimes when people talk I can hear the words but I don’t understand what they are saying.  Sometimes the everyday activities of life spin around me and I don’t absorb any of it.

5. Memory Loss

Why must I wander around in grief? Psalm 42:9

I wander. I lose chunks of time in my memory. From my kids activities to the grocery list, memories disappear.

6. Shell Shock

My enemies taunt me day after day. They mock and curse me. Psalm 102:8

I am taunted. Gunfire. Bombs. I flinch. I duck and cover… in my kitchen.  The little hands of my children induce panic. Comforting touches make me jump.

I have good moments but Death continues to sting. Death keeps injecting its poison into my veins.

Here’s what I have to accept- I am changed. I am not the same woman I was before January 4, 2013. I have limitations that I didn’t bargain for. And that’s OK.

Laughter can conceal a heavy heart, but when the laughter ends, the grief remains. Prov. 14:13

 

 

Serena
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Comments: 8
  1. 5 years ago

    Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. In all the changes you are well loved and never alone. Press on my sister knowing that our savior understands. Hebrews 4:15 Jesus our High Priest understands our weaknesses. Healing hugs from MN.

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  2. 5 years ago

    Thank you Joan. I have really been thinking about how often Christians minimize death and what it does to us. I’m afraid when we flippantly write it off to “they’re in heaven” we also minimize the truth that the wages of sin IS death. Sin is bad. Death is bad. And God died to redeem us from that horror. So when we still struggle with the pain of death, that’s good. When we don’t absorb the pain of it we can’t possibly appreciate the depth of his grace and healing.

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  3. 5 years ago

    I’m so sorry for your grief. I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a child. May the Lord continue to uphold you and fill your emptiness with His presence.

    I’m glad you understand that you are allowed all these reactions and feelings. I’m encouraged you are looking to the Lord and His Word for the comfort only He can provide. Thank you for giving yourself permission to grieve, you relieve others from that burden that can be unknowingly placed on them that grief is a lack of faith. That is a lie. To grieve is to be human.

    This is my favorite verse on grief. Psalms 6:6 I am weary with my groaning; all the night make I my bed to swim; I water my couch with my tears.

    The Lord knew we would cry ourselves to sleep…. a lot.

    Blessings to you and your family as you heal and help others on the path.

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  4. 5 years ago

    Thank you Mary!

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  5. jane ann
    5 years ago

    Keila (5) told me last night after prayers that she is afraid. I asked her why. She was reluctant to say at first but then told me that she thinks lots about Azaiah dying and really misses him so much. She said “tiah is so adorable and I love her so much.but I really miss
    Azaiah”

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  6. 5 years ago

    Wow. That overrides 100% of the hate mail. Seriously, thank you for sharing that.

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  7. Rachel
    5 years ago

    I never knew these signs of grief until after our daughter died – 4 days after being born. I NEVER knew how physically painful grief could be or the loss of being able to concentrate and focus on simple things. Four years has passed and grief still haunts us, the devil knows this is a way he can get to our younger daughter. She was 4 at the time her sister was born and died and has struggled with issues coming from the grief and not being able to process it all in her mind. She struggles daily with anxiety that has taken so many precious moments from her but we will continue to hold her tight and fight the devil with her. I pray for your family and children often as I know the pain and even with passing time it effects each in their own way.

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    • 5 years ago

      Rachel,
      Our family started a ministry called He Lives For Kids. There’s a tab at the top of my blog called Ministry to check it out. We’d love to send your little girl a package. Sometimes just knowing that you aren’t the only kid out there who feel like this helps. You can email me your info awordywoman@gmail.com

      Saying a special prayer for your family today.

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Serena
5 years ago 8 Comments Death and Dying, Depression, Suffering, Uncategorized, 506