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Why I Stayed Married When I Didn’t Love My Husband Anymore

Nov 8, 1997

The first time divorce crossed my mind I was only a bride of two years. The magnetic passion that pulled us together dissipated, replaced with the ache of a brokenness neither of us recognized.

Three years later I was a preacher’s wife in a foreign country with two children and one on the way.

My husband was absent and cold. Anxiety disorder and panic attacks began interfering with his routine and his duties as a minister and father.

I was bitter, resentful and hungry for a love he was just not capable to give.

One night during a rather silent dinner, I began to stab him with questions and responses poisoned with my disapproval. With fists clenched he pounded the table and yelled, “SHUT UP!”

That night I was given an out. I was offered an escape. But I didn’t go. I stayed. I didn’t stay because I was in love. I didn’t stay because it made me happy.

I stayed because:

It was right.

I might not have loved him but I knew what God said about divorce. And the truth is that sometimes my fear of God’s wrath was the only thing that kept me planted.

What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate. Mark 10:9 ESV

God joined us. 

I was well aware that marriage wasn’t just a me thing or an us thing. Marriage was an us and God thing. God invested something into this I couldn’t bring myself to destroy it.

In the original creation, God made male and female to be together. Because of this, a man leaves father and mother, and in marriage he becomes one flesh with a woman—no longer two individuals, but forming a new unity. Because God created this organic union of the two sexes, no one should desecrate his art by cutting them apart. Mark:10:6-9 MSG

Vows matter

I haven’t made very many promises in my life but I did make one gigantic one. I stood before that man and told him that I would stay. I told him I wouldn’t leave him no matter what.

I stood before God and told him I wouldn’t leave this man no matter what.

Make your vows to the Lord your God and perform them. Psalm 76:11

Divorce sucks

After a bitter argument that filled me rage, I hit my knees, not to pray but to scrub the bathroom floor.  I spoke over and over, “I will not get a divorce. I will not get a divorce.”

I was a child of divorce. It costs money. It breaks hearts. It destroys people and wounds children.

I was not going to do that even if it killed me.

“For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” Malachi 2:16 NLT

Five years later my husband and I hit critical mass levels in our marriage. He was having a total break down. I was convinced he was crazy and resigned to living as roommates. We were at the end of the rope of our own will and ability.

And then, we did the unthinkable as we stood at the final crossroad of our marriage. We risked it all. We laid bare our souls to each other in ways that didn’t feel safe anymore. We were honest, vulnerable, merciful and kind.

And here were are 18 years, finally in love.

Jan 15, 2016Serena
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Comments: 7
  1. Maggie Bacon
    2 years ago

    Serena, you did the right thing. I know it wasn’t easy. I am so glad you stayed.

    ReplyCancel
  2. AJ
    2 years ago

    Thank you so much for sharing this. This is a good reminder for me as my husband and I have been going through another rough patch in our marriage. God loves to make beauty from our ashes. I’ve already seen it and this article reminds me that I will see it again. Blessings to you both.

    ReplyCancel
  3. Kelley
    2 years ago

    So thankful to hear of your endurance and the beautiful place you have reached. My husband and I have had some huge lows struggles and were tempted to quit. We stayed for the very same reasons. We have learned a lot and had much healing from the Lord. We are now experiencing a loving and harmonious relationship we never thought possible. Not smooth sailing 24/7 but just feeling bonded and at peace. Coincidentally we hit year 18 this March:)

    ReplyCancel
  4. Brooke
    2 years ago

    We just started a new series on this (by we, I mean Tom Hamilton preaching at 58th Street), about how God designed marriage not for our happiness, but for our holiness. He discussed that we should not desire our spouses to think of us as, or expect us to be, perfect, but to see each other as we truly are– utterly flawed, and still know that God joined us together to complete each other and care for each other unto the end. The lessons should be posted online soon. I want to listen to them again as soon as they are: http://www.58thstreetchurchofchrist.org/media2

    ReplyCancel
  5. Tiffany
    5 months ago

    I would love to hear this!

    ReplyCancel
  6. Holli Johnson
    5 months ago

    I often think about the relief it would be to not be with someone that I drag with my yoke, I think about the freedom of making my own decisions without a prideful a man manipulating my choices, the negativity he places on the household. I know scripture tells me that he is sanctified by my serving. It’s a burden that keeps me placed where I am. The promise God gives us to keep on keeping on. Pray for us

    ReplyCancel
    • Serena
      4 months ago

      Your faithfulness is a gleam in the Father’s eye.

      ReplyCancel

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Serena
2 years ago 7 Comments Marriage, Wifedivorce, family, marriage4,854
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