Yesterday I tackled the topic, What Husbands Wish Their Wives Knew About Sex. Thank you to the guys for their overwhelming positive feedback. One man said, “I believe you have truly captured the substance of our [a man's] needs in a relationship. Thank you for stating clearly a sorely needed message of understanding.” I feel a need to let the ladies in on that, because all of the critics, both public and private were women. I’m OK with a little criticism, even the occasional hate mail. It keeps me thinking. But I don’t want the ladies to lose the message. Sex matters A LOT.
One of the things I talked about yesterday was that, “Husbands want their wives to freely offer themselves.” Some of you have let me know you are, praise God! However you are the minority.
Shannon Ethridge, the all around sex guru for Christian women, in her book The Sexually Confident Wife, says “Hubby isn’t wooing and pursing us like he used to, so our motivation wanes. Sex feels more like an obligation than a mutual thrill.” She cites a study that says only 8% of married women describe their sex lives as “very hot.” 21% call their sex life “routine and boring” and another 21% of respondents asked “What sex life?”
Yikes! Those statics are dismal at best. What happened to Garden-living when Adam and Eve were naked and NOT ashamed. A whole lot of crap happened. Sin happened. Abuse happened. Fear happened. Stress happened. A lot stuff that pulls us away from the God-centered intimacy that he created us for in the Garden. How can we get back to that kind of intimacy?
I know many of you want that. But realistically I know there are some things that keep us gals from baring all, even to our husbands, freely. Instead of communicating those reasons openly we tend just resist and yes, hide. Isn’t that what both Adam and Eve did after shame hit?
Well, here are some things that I think wives wish their husbands knew about sex… or at least I wish that wives would wish their husbands knew about sex.
- We have to have emotional intimacy first.
- Sometimes wounds of the past cause us to fear intimacy.
- We need time to warm up.
We NEED emotional intimacy first. Stasi Eldredge, my go-to gal, writes in Captivating, of our need to be romanced. She says, “this desire is set deep in the heart of every little girl – and every woman. Yet most of us are ashamed of it. We downplay it. … We are women of the twenty-first century after all. Uh-huh… and who is buying all those romance novels? “
Guys, listen up, you aren’t the only ones who were created in God’s image. We too bear a unique image of God from creation. It is God who has placed this passion within us because it bears HIS image. Our Designer says, “I have loved you with an everlasting love” (Jer. 31:3).
Our desire to be pursued comes from a very core spiritual place. It is Jesus who describes himself as the bridegroom coming for his bride. The story of all mankind is this – a romance, a divine, sacred romance. The story of scripture reveals a passionate, warring lover coming to win back his bride from the enemy. And as the bridegroom defeats his foe and rescues his woman, he describes the reunion as a wedding!
Let us be glad and rejoice, and let us give honor to him. For the time has come for the wedding feast of the Lamb, and his bride has prepared herself. She has been given the finest of pure white linen to wear.” For the fine linen represents the good deeds of God’s holy people. Rev. 19:7-8
Here’s the big problem, Satan leaves most men with this message “Back off.” ”‘You don’t really want to go there – she’ll be too much for you” is something Satan has set against every woman from the day of her birth.” (John & Stasi Eldredge; Captivating). Let me tell you, if you pursue your woman with a no-holds-bar passion, the romance will take care of itself, and so will the sex.
Unfortunately, sometimes wounds of the past cause women to fear intimacy. Sexual abuse is a huge obstacle for many women struggling to connect with their husbands. RAINN statistics report that every year over 200,000 women are sexually assaulted in the US. In 2/3 of those cases the predator is someone the woman knows. In these cases, trust is shattered. Confidence is replaced by fear. Healthy, holy sexuality has been distorted. The message sent to our sexual self is that sex is dangerous so hide it.
If you are in a marriage that is suffering because an abuse situation, I encourage you to prayerfully enter the process of healing with professional, Christ-centered counseling. Whether you are a husband or a wife, open yourself up to healing. Jesus promises to show up.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Ps. 34:18
Maybe the wounds were not from abuse, but rather sexual sin. A few months ago I sat in a room with 13 Christian women who were sharing their stories. Of the 13, only 1 had not yet had sex outside of marriage. Every single one of those 12 women who did, were paying the price. For different ones of us, it came in different packages, from overeating to adultery, to fear of intimacy with our husbands. No matter how the world tries to spin it. Multiple sex partners comes with a very high emotional and spiritual price tag.
Other wounds may seem more benign, but I promise you, the hurt affects women just the same. From domineering mothers to absent fathers or feeling like a social outcast. These wounds result is shame and guilt, affecting our ability to connect emotionally and give our bodies freely.
This may seem like dismal news too, but I have some REALLY good news. I have lived the consequences of sexual abuse from my childhood. I have also lived the consequences of sexual sin. But there is something amazing about God. He comes through in the most amazing ways.
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to captives and freedom to prisoners; To proclaim the favorable year of the Lord… Instead of your shame you will have a double portion, and instead of humiliation they will shout for joy over their portion… For He has clothed me with garments of salvation…
He has wrapped me with a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself with a garland, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels… So the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise to spring up… (From Is. 61)
God wants you to have freedom. When Jesus healed the blind, he didn’t restore partial sight. When he healed the lame, they ran. When he gave life to the dead, they lived – completely. He still has the same power to do that today. He wants to heal you. All of you, including the scars that keep you from living a free sexual life with your spouse. Remember it is our Lord who said, “I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly” (John 10:10).
This last one probably hits home with every woman who balances work, motherhood, household duties, and being a sexual woman. We need time to warm up. Guys, not so much. We are different. We need time to punch out of the mom clock and transform into a woman.
Maybe that means a bubble bath with some relaxing music, lighting candles and locking the door. Maybe that’s intimate conversation with our husbands. Maybe that’s slipping into something more comfortable (i.e. that isn’t covered in spit up, glitter from a 3rd grade craft project, or comet.)
Guys, let us have that time to warm-up. Ladies, MAKE the time to warm up. And really, no more excuses. You deserve it. Your kids can go to bed early. You don’t have to return those phone calls or finish up those papers. You need to take time for you and enjoy the gift of your sexuality as God created.
“One night as I lay in bed, I yearned for my lover, I yearned for him… Awake… Blow on my garden and spread its fragrance all around. Come into your garden, my love; taste its finest fruits… I aroused you under the apple tree… (From the female lover in Song of Solomon)
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled. Heb. 13:4
The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Cor. 7: 3-5
I thought yesterday’s post was great and this one is too! Thanks again for having the courage to state what both men and women need sexually!
Question: What does a godly pursuit of my wife look like? I think we guys say, “I am pursuing my wife.” The problem is we are pursuing her to just have sex with us. What is my wife really wanting me to pursue in her or about her? What would that look like?
Well… for ME it looked like taking an interest in who I am as a woman, not just in bed. During the crisis phase of our marriage, I was starving to be noticed. I wasn’t pursued. I felt ignored. When Daniel started dealing with his own issues, his heart was available to open up to me. He started sharing himself with me intimately. He started taking seriously my need for connection and spiritual leadership which translated into more time spent together and more open communication. When I felt and knew his eyes were only on me, I felt safe to give myself more freely.
I think that’s where the command in Eph. 5:25 for husbands to love their wives comes into play–that verse makes it clear that a husband’s love should be a sacrificial, giving kind of love, but men are left wondering what they need to sacrifice or give to show their wife she’s loved. Yet love for each woman is going to be different and it could take a man an entire lifetime to figure out what he needs to give and sacrifice for his wife to feel most loved. I think too often husbands try to pursue their wives in ways that they hear other women enjoy, and then they dont get why it didnt go ovr well with their own wife. That’s one reason why I so appreciate Gary Chapman’s book “The Five Love Languages.” It completely sums up the various ways that people can feel most loved, and it makes total sense. It helped me (and my husband!) understand why i couldn’t care less if he bought me the most beautiful flowers and jewelry every day of my life–I certainly wouldn’t feel more pursued or loved or appreciated, and it wouldn’t make me anymore interested in jumping in bed. But sit down at the end of the day and just talk to me, or take me out for a picnic by a lake or a walk by the river or a hike in the woods–basically spend quality time with me and create great memories together–do that, and bed is much more appealing. So, in essence, godly pursuit of a woman will look totally different from one woman to the next…and it should keep a husband busy for the rest of his life!
Good info. I have heard it said that “nothing is as sexy to a woman than taking the garbage out without having been asked.” We are emotional creatures and we must be intimate emotionally to be good at being intimate physically. Herein also is a danger: when one becomes intimate emotionally outside of the marriage bond, it is a small step to become intimate physically. That is why couples, even Christian couples, need to be cautious about being too close to other couples and confiding in them too much info. My Mom used to say, “When you get too thick with friends, there will be a thinning.”
Thank you for your posts- both yesterday and today. I saw your comment about letting the kids go to bed early, which brings up another question from me: What about when the babies are small. We have an 8 month old and he’s a night owl. He generally goes to bed around 10:00. We also have a 3 year old and it’s easy to just put her to bed early if we want. She’ll just play until she goes to sleep, but he’s just not quite ready for that. So, when the babies are young, how do you find time for one another?
I am pregnant with baby #6 (due to arrive in a couple months). I think a future topic may be balancing our motherhood and sexuality. Stay tuned
Thank you once again for trying to explain the ‘other side of the coin’. We would do well to realize that Yahweh created the differences in the sexes not to frustrate [although that is the 'natural' (read worldly) reaction], but rather to expand and complete us. I used to wonder at a couple of bible verses: “the older women… teach the younger to love their husbands and children” Titus 2:4 (wouldn’t that be natural???); Col. 3:18-19 – “Wives… submit to your husbands…Husbands love your wives and do not be bitter against them” God knew the pride within us all – He knew that if we [men] feel deprived of physical affection (especially), bitterness is the easiest attitude to fall into [been guilty of that!]. Such bitterness makes us withdraw the gentle ‘touches’ [not physical necessarily] that encourage an opening up and trusting in a wife. But back to Titus 2:4, often it is the older women who have both seen the myriad of failed marriages and have lived through happy times and miserable times in their own – they often understand how crucial the wife’s attitude in the home is and how everyone in the home is either built up and blessed by her or else discouraged and possibly destroyed by her. As for submission, a godly wife becomes a living demonstration of the relationship between the church and Jesus. But unlike the comparison of church/Christ, the woman is not united to a sinless and perfect spouse as the church is. But in this, a beautiful example of longsuffering and graciousness is lived out in the home, even as the Lord is SO longsuffering and gracious to us!
Oh that you [wives] understood the power that is demonstrated in your marriage when you follow His will!
Oh that we [husbands] understood the depth of heart and beauty that flows within a wife that craves the security that we are responsible to provide so she feels safe enough to envelop the home with that beauty!
One need not agree with every word of this to see that there are huge chunks of truth in this. My wife (a board-certified psychologist) and I have been teaching concepts very much like this in marriage seminars for Christians FOR DECADES, and it is gratifying to see that SOMEBODY else “gets it.” And, when you get to this site, click on on the previous post, cross-gendered.