What you are about to read is uncomfortable. It is true. If you have lost a child you’ve probably been there too.
The day after Azaiah died I found myself walking outside talking to him and God simultaneously. I asked Azaiah to forgive me. I asked God to forgive me. What if I killed him?
I’ve never spoken these words to anyone but my husband. The night he died, Azaiah was asleep in my bed. I let him sleep on his tummy. What if that killed him?
What if I would have gone to him when I heard the crying stop? What if it is my fault? What if he is mad at me? What if he thinks I didn’t take good care of him? What if he is disappointed in me?
These thoughts haunted me. They followed me and taunted me. What if my neglect killed my son?
One day I sat down in prayer and asked God to tell me the truth. I begged him to show me. I penned this on March 8, 2014 in response to all my worst fears.
I am so sorry those things happened to you. I am so sorry. I am so sorry Azaiah died. I am so sorry you feel the sting of death. I never wanted it that way. I never wanted him to die.
I want you to know that he is OK. I want you to know that he loves you. I want you to know that he is proud of you. He is glad that you are his mom. He wants you to know that you have honored him well. But he especially thanks you for honoring me.
Serena, thank you for trusting me when it hurts. Thank you for believing the best about me. Thank you for not letting go.
I love you for your courage. I love the way you feel me deep in your soul. I love the way you talk to me every day. I love the way you share your life with me. I love the way you share laughter with me. I love the way you share your joy, your children and your friendships with me.
I love the way you love me. I am not just your Master or your Father. I am your Forever Love. I will never stop loving you. NEVER!
I am so proud of you. I delight in you. I smile when I look at you.
Keep holding on. I can’t wait for you to see all that I have in store for you. I just can’t wait.
All this hard stuff is going to be made new. You are going to love it!
I just love you so much.
If grief is locking you in a prison, if you are plagued by your failures, your neglect or your choices that led to your child’s death, write it down. Get it out of you. And then write God’s answer back to you.
He is longing to free you. He is waiting for you to ask. He is desperate to tell you the truth. The truth is He loves you.
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me,
for the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor.
He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted
and to proclaim that captives will be released
and prisoners will be freed.
He has sent me to tell those who mourn
that the time of the Lord’s favor has come… Is. 61: 1-2