Ok… so maybe not ALL husbands wish their wives knew this stuff. But MY husband does. But my husband also has a unique perspective. He hears it all. Not just the tales of exploits in the locker room, but also the brokenness that men confess when they are alone with him. He hears how dysfunctional their sex lives are. He hears how distorted their view of God-centered sexuality is. Really… he hears it all.
There’s been a few couples on my heart lately who are dealing with intimacy issues. So I asked Daniel, what are three things you wish all wives knew about sex. It didn’t take long for him to rattle this off:
- We really do think about it as much as people say we do.
- All men are insecure about it. Only some admit it.
- Husbands want their wives to freely offer themselves.
First, back in 1948 Alfred Kinsey released a controversial sex study that said men think about sex once every 7 seconds. Later research lowers those numbers a bit, but the truth is men think about sex A LOT. Not just dirty or perverted men. Holy, godly, even pastoral men think about sex A LOT.
Now ladies, here’s the challenge for you. That’s ok. God is the one who created man in HIS image. I’m not saying that it’s ok to have adulterous or lustful thoughts. Jesus obviously laid down the law on that (Read Matt. 5:27-29). But the fact that your husband is a sexual creature is not a curse, but a gift from God. If you doubt me, go spend some time reading the Song of Solomon. Solomon, in chapter 4 says thing like:
Your breasts are like two fawns, twin fawns of a gazelle grazing among the lilies… You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. Come with… my bride… You have captured my heart, my treasure, my bride. You hold it hostage with one glance of your eyes… Your love is better than wine, your perfume more fragrant than spices. Your lips are as sweet as nectar, my bride. Honey and milk are under your tongue… You are my private garden, my treasure, my bride, a secluded spring, a hidden fountain. Your thighs shelter a paradise of pomegranates with rare spices…
Breasts, love like wine, thighs sheltering a paradise. Sounds like sex to me. And God wrote about it. There is a place for God-centered sexuality. We shouldn’t judge our husbands for it. We should embrace their God-given heart and learn to appreciate his sexuality and what it can do for us… but we’ll talk about that part of it later.
Now, let’s deal with this insecurity thing. All men are insecure about sex. Really? Really.
You ladies may be thinking about the macho, ladies man who seems to have women dropping at his feet. He’s not insecure. Yes. In fact, the truth behind the facade is that he is very insecure. He is hiding behind sexual prowess to make him feel like a man that he doesn’t really believe he is.
Remember hiding is what men have done ever since the garden. When Adam realized he was naked and ashamed, what did he do? Hide (Gen. 3). When a man’s insecurity is flared he hides behind the nearest “fig leaf.”
Our marriage counselor described it to me like this, “If a woman’s life were a table, it would balance on 15-16 different legs, her friendships, her family, career, sexuality, etc…” We receive our validation from a myriad of different facets of our lives. However, he said, “A man’s life balances on only one leg of the table, his sexuality.” When a man feels “less-than” in bed, all other aspects of his life are out of sync.
In John Eldredge’s book Wild at Heart, he contends that all men have one core question, “Do I have what it takes?” That’s what fuels a man. When a man doesn’t feel like he has what it takes to sexually satisfy his wife, the answer to his core question is “No, I don’t have what it takes.” That combination is fatal to his strength.
I want you to think about this ladies, every time you reject your husband’s sexual advances, you are scraping the wound of his insecurity. Every time you may mock his sexuality, you are driving a nail in his heart and a wedge between you. Every time your actions say, “No, you don’t have what it takes” you are mortally wounding the man you promised to sustain.
That conveniently leads to the third point. Men want their wives to freely offer themselves. How would you feel if every birthday and anniversary you longingly looked at your husband and said, “Please, please, please, will you get me a present? Please, please, please remember me.” You would be down right mad at your husband. He should know that’s important to you. He should remember and respect you enough to give you something special.
So, now, flip the tables. You know your husband wants sex. Do you offer it freely? Do you make him “earn it”? Do you deny him if he hasn’t lived up to your expectations?
God did not create sex as a tool of manipulation or even just a bonus for men. God created sex to be a mutual place of intimacy and gratification. Solomon’s woman said, “I am my lover’s and he is mine” (SoS 6:3).
Tomorrow I will talk about some of the obstacles that we women face in being able to “freely give.” For now think about Paul’s words on sex in marriage from 1 Cor 7 (MSG).
Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.