You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. 1 Pet. 3:7
Being a husband is a tough job. Being a good husband is an even tougher job. But being a good husband to a grieving momther must seem like an impossible job.
Sometimes I look at my husband and he just looks lost. I know he is trying. I know he cares about me. But he is standing at the edge of the shore overwhelmed by the waves and daunted by the journey to swim through them to my heart.
Maybe you are husband who is lost too. Maybe you are trying desperately to get your wife back. Maybe you just need know you aren’t alone.
Accept it will never be the same.
Please don’t look back and compare us to the way we were before. We will never be the same. We know we are different. And we hate it. We hate what death stole from us. Sometimes we feel guilty about it. Sometimes we lament it. Sometimes we can’t stand the pressure to be her again so we just quit trying.
Accept that you can’t fix it.
You can’t fix this. You just can’t.
Ask if we need space.
Sometimes we just need to be alone. Sometimes we can’t handle being in our own skin let alone in a room full of people. Sometimes we can’t handle the noise in our head. Sometimes we can’t handle you. Sometimes we need to just be left alone with no questions asked.
Ask what we need from you.
Sometimes we need you to protect us from the outside forces. Sometimes we need you to deflect our enemies. Sometimes we need you to pray over us, hug us or just sit in silence beside us.
Don’t ask why we are sad.
Please don’t ask. When you do it makes us feel isolated, misunderstood and alone in our grief. If we seem distant, contemplative or tearful, assume we are thinking of our child and it hurts.
Sometimes sex is difficult.
Our appetite, sleep patters, mental health and sexuality are all affected. Please try to understand. Please be gentle. Please don’t push us, criticize us or make fun of us. Please help us feel safe and able to share ourselves again.