“You cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb the dark emotion- when we numb vulnerability and fear and the shame of not being good enough- we by default numb joy.” -Brene’ Brown
Sometimes it is easier to just not feel. It is easier for me to wall myself off from vulnerability and fear than to risk the hurt. Over the years I have become quite the expert at building walls around my heart.
But when I read this quote on a friend’s Facebook wall yesterday it stabbed me. In numbing my fear I have numbed my joy. Inside my protective walls I have paid the price of joy for safety.
Here I sit, 13 weeks pregnant and afraid to even recognize the truth that there is a little baby inside of me. I’m afraid to feel. I am afraid to be vulnerable and love this baby because what happens if I lose this one too.
The truth is I might. It is totally possible that this baby could not be born alive or it is possible that this baby could die too. But I have realized something, if I do lose this baby, when I meet him or her in heaven I want to be able to say that I gave my heart, not reluctantly or with trepidation but I want to tell this child that I loved you fiercely from the beginning.
I cannot risk another day of numbing the pain because it numbs the joy. Numbing the joy steals my ability to love with a relentless love.
I cannot live another day without experiencing the passionate love a mother has, even for her unborn child.
It brings me back to my son’s name, Azaiah, “My strength is Yahweh.” Yahweh loves with unfailing love that he lavishes on his children. Today, I resolve to lavish my unfailing love on all of my children, especially the one yet being formed in my womb.
The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.” Exodus 34: 5-7