January 31, 2013 I Wrote:
Several hours after my baby died an agonizing reality hit me mentally then physically. In just a few hours my milk would be full. My breasts would be full of life-giving milk to feed my baby. But he was gone.
Morning came. With no baby to nurse at my breasts, they throbbed. Every time someone embraced me to offer comfort, instead pain coursed through my body. The most nauseating step in this valley was binding my breast to stop their flow. I wept. My mother wept as she tightened the bandage around my chest.
The wicked one was a constant presence in the early days of my grief. He lingered near. He preyed. He taunted. He accused. He lied.
He always does. He actually does his best work in our brokenness. Our defenses are the weakest. We are the most vulnerable at that moment. That’s when he weaves his poison into our heart.
Demons smell human brokenness like shark smell blood in the water. -Staci Eldredge; Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul
Jesus is clear. “There is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” John. 8:44
When your baby dies Satan says:
It’s your fault.
I had a knock down drag out fight with this one. I was haunted and taunted by what if’s. Then I finally dealt this lie it’s fatal blow.
Maybe my son’s death was my fault. Maybe I should have noticed something. Maybe I shouldn’t have laid him down. Maybe I could have saved him. But the bigger and stronger truth is, even if that’s true God still forgives me. Jesus still carries the guilt. And the Spirit still does his miraculous comforting.
It’s your husband’s fault.
Even if you are confronted with the reality that it was his fault, let him experience the divine through you. Lavish mercy on him. Heal him with your grace.
You will not recover.
For two years I lived with little healing. I walked around with a gaping hole in my chest. I stayed faithful Jesus but I hurt. I lived in constant hurt.
Then slowly I climbed out of the grave and I devoured the truth of the resurrection. I am alive. Jesus is alive. My son is alive.
I still have moments I sink. But every day that I step another piece of heart is restored.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4