Child-Centered Families vs. God-Centered Families: Creating a Home Where Kids Thrive

October 17, 2012 by Leave a Comment

“I talk to many parents who experience difficulties because they make decisions on the basis of what their children want instead of what is good for the family unit. These parents say they’re too busy to take care of themselves (e.g., taking time to get exercise) because they’re always driving their kids from place to place. They are loath to inconvenience their children by dropping them off at their grandparents’ so they can take a long weekend for themselves. They avoid getting their kids upset by insisting that they get rid of old toys in an overly cluttered, messy room. They tolerate cell phones at the dinner table. In short, they operate on a child-centered basis…” (Finish reading The Pitfalls of a Child-Centered Family by Judith Beck Ph.D.)

I recently heard this, “A child-centered family is inherently a dysfunctional family.”  Why is that? You would think giving kids what they want would make them happy and the family would be peaceful. Well read this:

You should know this, Timothy, that in the last days there will be very difficult times. For people will love only themselves and their money. They will be boastful and proud, scoffing at God, disobedient to their parents, and ungrateful. They will consider nothing sacred. They will be unloving and unforgiving; they will slander others and have no self-control. They will be cruel and hate what is good. 2 Tim.3:1-3

Wow… Does that not describe a myriad of American families you know? Our families have been reduced to rubble by our greed and selfishness. I regularly see children mock their parents and carry a demanding, dissatisfied spirit.  Our families have replaced interactions of love and forgiveness with sharp tongues and hot-tempers. We have traded stable homes for unrest.

We are left with out-of-control toddlers who grow into teenagers who are just as out-of-control, but have bigger bodies and keys to the car. This is not the abundant life that Jesus offers.

So how do we get back? Is it too late? Can God take my rebellious children and fractured family and make it whole? Yes, I believe he can.

1. Be God-centered

Instead of keeping our kids happy. Let’s focus on pleasing our Father.

Be careful to obey all my commands, so that all will go well with you and your children after you, because you will be doing what is good and pleasing to the Lord your God. Deut. 12:28 

2. Marriage is the foundation.

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” Mal. 2:15-16

If we want kids who are raised in the image of Christ, we MUST put our marriages as a top priority. When the marriage falls apart so will our children.

3. Commitment to purity in the family unit.

I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin. But I do not excuse the guilty. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children and grandchildren; the entire family is affected— even children in the third and fourth generations.” Ex. 34:7

No matter how we slice it, sin has consequences, even forgiven ones.  If we want what is best for our kids, we have to take our own sin seriously!

4. Follow God’s blue print for the family.

Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting for those who belong to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives and never treat them harshly. Children, always obey your parents, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not aggravate your children, or they will become discouraged. Col. 3:18-21

Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. “Honor your father and mother.” This is the first commandment with a promise: If you honor your father and mother, “things will go well for you, and you will have a long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord. Eph. 6: 1-4

God has a clear plan for husbands to be strong yet gentle leaders and for wives to yield to that leadership. Children are to obey and honor their parents. Then let God unleash HIS blessing.

Lord God,

You created families. You created the design for us to follow, but the world and its philosophies confuse us. Please light our path as we grow families for you. Please help us to focus on you, strengthen our marriages, clean out our own sin, and follow your holy plan for our family.  Thank you for giving us the opportunity to live this life that has so many things to teach us about you. Let our children thrive in the light of your love and grace.

In the name of  your son and our Messiah,

Amen

The first two posts in this series are:  Who’s The Boss? What’s God’s Plan for Parents and Children? and Spirit-led Parenting: Letting God Raise Your Children Through You

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I Don’t Want to Raise a Good Child

March 15, 2012 by 6 Comments

This was too good to not pass along. I can totally identify with this. Hopefully some of you mama’s of strong-willed children can too.- Serena

This is taken from Lysa TerKeurst at Proverbs31 Ministries.

“Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” Proverbs 22:6 (NIV 1984)

My daughter, Hope, is a senior this year. And she decided her senior year should be adventurous and a little out of the “normal” box. A lot out of the box actually.

She withdrew from traditional school. Applied with the state to homeschool. Enrolled in online college courses that would allow her to get both high school and college credit simultaneously. And planned to spend the month of January serving in Nicaragua doing missions.

This didn’t surprise me really. Hope has always liked charting her own course. This thrills me now. But it didn’t thrill me so much in the early years of raising this strong-spirited child.

When she was really little I was scared to death I was the world’s worst mom, because Hope was never one to be contained. And I honestly thought all her extra tenacity was a sign of my poor mothering.

One day I took her to the mall to meet several of my friends with toddlers to grab lunch. All of their kids sat quietly eating cheerios in their strollers. They shined their halos and quoted Bible verses and used tissues to wipe their notes.

Not Hope.

She was infuriated by my insistence she stay in her stroller. So, when I turned away for a split second to place our lunch order, she wiggled free. She stripped off all her clothes. She ran across the food court. And jumped in the fountain in the center of the mall.

Really, nothing makes the mother of a toddler feel more incapable than seeing her naked child splashing in the mall fountain. Except maybe that toddler refusing to get out and said mother having to also get into the fountain.

I cried all the way home.

Not because of what she’d done that day. But rather because of how she was everyday. So determined. So independent. So insistent.

I would beg God to show me how to raise a good child. One that stayed in her stroller. One that other people would comment about how wonderfully behaved she was. One that made me look good.

But God seemed so slow to answer those prayers. So, over the years, I changed my prayer. “God help me to raise Hope to be who You want her to be.” Emphasis on, “God HELP ME!”

I think I changed my prayers for her because God started to change my heart. I sensed He had a different plan in mind for my mothering of Hope.

Maybe God’s goal wasn’t for me to raise a good rule-following child. God’s goal was for me to raise a God-following adult. An adult just determined and independent and insistent enough to fulfill a purpose He had in mind all along.

Today’s key verse reminds us we are training children so that when they are old they will not turn away from Biblical principles, but rather implement them in their life-long pursuit of God. Remember, the things that might aggravate you about your child today, might be the very things when matured that make them great for God’s kingdom tomorrow.

I’ve certainly seen this in raising Hope.

I don’t know what mama needs to hear this today. But let me encourage you from the bottom of my heart with three simple mothering perspectives you must hang on to:

1. Don’t take too much credit for their good.
2. Don’t take too much credit for their bad.
3. Don’t try to raise a good child. Raise a God-following adult.

And all the mamas of fountain dancing children said, “Amen!”

Dear Lord, I know You desire for me to raise a God-following adult. Please give me Your wisdom as I seek to become the parent You called to this high honor. Redirect my perspectives and equip me for this task today. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

You can find more of Lysa’s writings at Proverbs31 Ministries.

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