Marriage Myth #5: Being Married is Better than Being Single

June 22, 2012 by Leave a Comment

It doesn’t take long to browse around my writings to see that I’m a huge advocate for marriage. I definitely felt led to marriage and I love it… now. But there is a myth out there that is deeply wounding single people. Whether we speak it or not, we believe being married is better than being single. This especially happens in the church.

I remember back in the day when I was a college student working at a summer camp how this impacted me. The camp had leadership programs for boys to learn “church duties.” There was no counterpart for girls. So I suggested taking one bible lesson and teaching the teen girls how to prepare lessons for children, using a different targeted age group each day. The director loved my idea and said, “Maybe we could get one of the preacher’s wives to teach it.”  Teaching children was my passion. With my jaw dropped, I walked away feeling as if my talents were ignored simply because I didn’t have “Mrs.” before my name.

Two of the most prolific contributors to the New Testament were… you guessed it… SINGLE! Jesus and the Apostle Paul were not married, spouseless, flying solo. Whatever you want to call it they served God without marriage. This portion of 1 Cor. 7 says it best:

Now regarding your question about the young women who are not yet married. I do not have a command from the Lord for them. But the Lord in his mercy has given me wisdom that can be trusted, and I will share it with you. Because of the present crisis, I think it is best to remain as you are. If you have a wife, do not seek to end the marriage. If you do not have a wife, do not seek to get married. But if you do get married, it is not a sin. And if a young woman gets married, it is not a sin. However, those who get married at this time will have troubles, and I am trying to spare you those problems.

But let me say this, dear brothers and sisters: The time that remains is very short. So from now on, those with wives should not focus only on their marriage. Those who weep or who rejoice or who buy things should not be absorbed by their weeping or their joy or their possessions. Those who use the things of the world should not become attached to them. For this world as we know it will soon pass away.

I want you to be free from the concerns of this life. An unmarried man can spend his time doing the Lord’s work and thinking how to please him. But a married man has to think about his earthly responsibilities and how to please his wife. His interests are divided. In the same way, a woman who is no longer married or has never been married can be devoted to the Lord and holy in body and in spirit. But a married woman has to think about her earthly responsibilities and how to please her husband. I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.

But if a man thinks that he’s treating his fiancée improperly and will inevitably give in to his passion, let him marry her as he wishes. It is not a sin. But if he has decided firmly not to marry and there is no urgency and he can control his passion, he does well not to marry. So the person who marries his fiancée does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even better.

A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. If her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but only if he loves the Lord. But in my opinion it would be better for her to stay single, and I think I am giving you counsel from God’s Spirit when I say this.

What I get from that passage is, you do what glorifies God the most in your life, whether it is being single or married. During the conditions Paul was writing in, he was suggesting single-hood.

Maybe you are single and feel pressure to find “Mr. Right” or “Mrs. Right”? I would like to suggest embracing your single status and giving it to God as an offering. Maybe you are one of us married folk who has a hard time accepting other people’s single-hood? May I suggest this, rather that match making, help them appreciate where they are. And all of us, whether single or married need to use our circumstances to serve the Lord the best way we can!

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Marriage Myth #4: Marriage Means Happily Ever After

June 21, 2012 by 1 Comment

Sometimes I think we treat marriage more like a fairy tale than real life. We have bought into the Cinderella story hook, line and sinker. We have been duped into believing the fantasy. We believe marriage is the cure-all remedy for life. It’s the magic pill that will heal our condition. Drink the potion and all will be well. We believe:

  • Marriage makes people happy.
  • We won’t have problems if we stay in-love.
  • Marriage will end my loneliness.
  • Marriage will make me complete.
  • Romantic love is key to a long-term marriage.
  • A good marriage automatically grows over time.

It is just not so. Marriage is a hard-fought battle. When the battle rages we don’t realize that our opponent isn’t our spouse. The battle we fight is against it is our self.

The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality—the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.  (from 1 Cor. 7 MSG)

Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh. (from Eph. 5 MSG)


In the “battle period” of our marriage I was convinced that I had to fix my husband. I just knew that if I got him to see things my way that everything would be ok. I pressed. I prodded. I nagged. And guess what? Nothing got better. Nothing got better because I was living in disobedience to the counsel of the God of the Universe. 

“Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.” Rom. 12:10

You want to drink the magic elixir that can save your marriage?  It is called imitating Christ (1 Cor. 11:1). Think about just a few days of Jesus’ life leading up to his death. Jesus sat at a table with his betrayer and washed his feet. He allowed mortal men to arrest him, the King of all Kings. They tried him and crucified him in criminal fashion. He died a brutal death. Why? To provide a sacrifice to save YOU from your sin. He did it to serve you.

And we are called to imitate him.  ”Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other.”  So today when you get frustrated that things aren’t going your way and your spouse just doesn’t “get it.” Go serve and see what God can do!

 

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The Myth of Marriage: Why Marriage Won’t Fix Your Problem with Sin

June 18, 2012 by Leave a Comment

In our ministry we counsel a lot of couples who are married or getting ready to “take the plunge.” We hear their stories week after week. And we share our story of God’s redemption in return.

Over the years we’ve heard a lot of confessions in those meetings. We’ve heard confessions of women who gave themselves away in a desperate attempt to be loved. They may not have wanted to, but they gave away their bodies in sin. No matter how many years have passed, they are still carrying the weight of those mistakes and the scars of sin, often leading them into the same situation in other relationships.

We have also heard endless confessions of men who were exposed to pornography or sexual sin at a young age. Those images and experiences took root in their minds and led to porn addictions, masturbation, and sex outside of marriage.

Whether it’s a man or woman, they come wounded. They come to the relationship defiled.

“Anything you eat passes through the stomach and then goes into the sewer. But the words you speak come from the heart—that’s what defiles you. For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander. These are what defile you…” Matthew 15:17-20

At the point of marriage the great deceiver convinced them that marriage would fix their problem with sin. The truth is, sin is rottenness in our bones. Sin will corrupt our spirits and erode our marriages. Sin will take you where you never wanted to go. And it will lock you in places you never wanted to stay.

Sin promises pleasure, but it only gives destruction. Rather than being characterized by joy, our lives are filled with anger, discontentment, and more sin.

There is only one solution for sin. His name is Jesus.

The message of the Messiah promised the coming of one who would bring healing and freedom.

The Spirit of God, the Master, is on me because God anointed me. He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken, announce freedom to all captives,  pardon all prisoners. Isaiah 61:1-2

Of all the passages of scripture that exist, Jesus began his ministry with that one.

The scroll of Isaiah the prophet was handed to him. He unrolled the scroll and found the place where this was written:

 “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free,
and that the time of the Lord’s favor has come.”

He rolled up the scroll, handed it back to the attendant, and sat down. All eyes in the synagogue looked at him intently. Then he began to speak to them. “The Scripture you’ve just heard has been fulfilled this very day!”

Today if you find yourself drowning in circumstances and your marriage falling apart let me tell you this, your spouse isn’t to blame, sin is. Your spouse can’t fix the problems. Marriage won’t solve anything. But the one who said he will bring good news and set us free can. He will. He is only waiting on you to invite him in.

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 7:28-30

Invite Jesus into your life and into your home. He is the solution.

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