Those of you who have been reading my blog for a while have noticed I entered a bit of a dry spell. Pretty odd for blog called “A Wordy Woman.” Some days I sat willing to write but there was just nothing coming. Eventually I accepted the change as an imposed season of silence. I simply needed time to listen.
Then, today there was stirring in my spirit, well actually more of agitation. I was not at rest. I retreated in my thoughts. I went to prayer. It seems the Lord is giving me my words back.
I have shared thoughts on the church, marriage and parenting. I chronicled my plummet into grief. I have shared my victories, failures and frustrations.
This new season is inspired by my relationship with the Almighty, where I am and where I want to be. I want to share with you my weakness recognizing his presence and my hope of seeing him more clearly in everything. I want to share how Jesus transformed me and yet how often I forget that. I want to share how the Spirit guides me yet I neglect to ask for it so many times. I want to just let you into my life share and the relationship that has truly meant the most to me.
So here we go.
I am Mom. I am not just Mom by name or job title or duty. I really am Mom. I am Mom in my essence.
Sometimes I am a frazzled, over-touched, forgetful, short-tempered Mom who just wants to go to the bathroom alone. Sometimes I am the mom who pretends she doesn’t hear the tattle-taler following her around the kitchen. Sometimes I am the Mom who so desperately needs sleep that she hides in a dark room to nap before they sniff her out.
Sometimes I am the Mom who just wants to be her un-Mom version for a minute. But even in those moments, the fiercest Mom can be drawn out of me with the cry of pain, sadness and especially vomit.
Today as my little girl was running around the table she hit the back of a metal chair and fell to the ground. I winced and held my breath, waiting to see if she would cry. I saw something in the split second before the wail. With a look of panic her eyes scanned the room. For Me.
Once her eyes locked in on mine she came running into arms that were ready to catch her. She didn’t want her dad or even her favorite big sister. She wanted Mom. Her instinct said, “Look for Mom!” It wasn’t a thought process. It wasn’t a decision. It was her innate reaction. Find Mom.
I realized that my instincts have been dulled by spiritual attacks, by years of quiet drifting and too much world. I need to reawaken the innate response within me to look up and Find God.
Today I am waking up that instinct. I am shaking the sleepiness out of her. When I fall I want the first thing I look for to be nothing but God. Before I have a chance to exhale, I want my eyes to scan the room for God. I want to lock in and run into those arms who are ready to catch me.
As a mother comforts her child,
so will I comfort you.