I’ve been thinking the last couple days how sometimes our circumstances in this life just never improve.

A marriage that never finds peace. Poor that never get fed. Sick that are never healed. Grief that is never quenched. Sorrow that is never salved. Conflict that is never resolved. A heart that never mends.

I wonder how are we supposed to survive. How do we remain? How do we even get out of bed in the morning let alone function normally in our day-to-day life?

This morning I woke up and my first thought of the day was remembering climbing out of the ambulance that carried my dead child. I came around the corner and fell into the arms of the nurse, my neighbor. That was my first waking thought today.

How did I survive that  moment or one day after it? How have I found strength to live, to smile, to laugh and love? The sorrow is still there. It is still raw at moments like this. I weep as I type these words. How can I keep going even when it still hurts?

All these people died still believing what God had promised them. They did not receive what was promised, but they saw it all from a distance and welcomed it. They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them. Hebrews 11

Heaven. I live for a purpose that is not on this earth. I hope for day when I live without death. I am a stranger in this land that is just not my own. I am not ashamed to be called God’s child, but I am more thankful that he is not ashamed to be called my God.

God did not spare my son’s earthly life that night. He may not heal your disease, your broken heart or your pain. But even if, even if that is the case.  There’s bigger “IF.” If you die anchored in the promises, get ready. Get ready to be blown away. Get ready for the City of God. I have complete faith that our first moment in that city will eclipse all of our earthly trouble.

So hang on tight. Don’t let go today. Grab that promise and plant it where you stand. Let it dig roots. Let it bear fruit of faith and a life of joy as we wait just little longer for the country we can call our own.

]]> http://awordywoman.com/a-heart-than-never-mends/feed/ 5 http://awordywoman.com/getting-to-know-them-beginning-the-adoption-transition/ http://awordywoman.com/getting-to-know-them-beginning-the-adoption-transition/#comments Mon, 20 May 2013 12:12:36 +0000 Serena http://awordywoman.com/?p=3829 [Read On] ]]>

This week our newest additions to our clan officially move in. There is a lot of excitement, coupled with some anxiety and a few drops of fear.

Rooms have picked, beds have been purchased, clothes have been washed, toothbrushes are ready.

That’s the easy stuff. Yesterday as we were all hanging out together I just had this huge wash of fear about bonding.

What if I treat them differently or have different feelings toward them than I have toward my biological children?

In that moment I felt overwhelmed, ashamed and even embarrassed to deal with my feelings internally, let alone speak them.

Then the words of a wise friend came to mind. Just a week ago I got a message from an adult woman who was fostered as a teen. She said, “Just get to know them.”

With that thought my mountain got a lot smaller. My long-term goal is to be connected to these kids as closely as my biological kids, but the truth is I don’t know them yet. They don’t know me yet either.

My next step on this journey is simply getting to know them. I know my other kids. I know what their favorite meal is. I know how they will answer a question. I know how they will respond to specific situations. I know what makes them smile. I know what their fears are. I know what makes them laugh.  I know their favorite TV shows. I know their friends. I know their habits.

I don’t really know any of those things about my new arrivals. My first step up the bonding mountain is a lot simpler than I let my fears make it out to be.  I just need to get to know my new kids.

I need to work on this bonding thing in steps. They aren’t newborn babies I can rock to sleep at night. They are people. People who have had life happen hard. They are people who come with a story, with history. My job is to learn that story.

The best thing you can do for children… is to let them know you love them, that you will always be there for them, and will try to help them in any way possible if they ask you… and they may need much more reassurance than you think should be needed. They need to be told it’s okay to be angry about what happened before, and that it’s okay to mourn the loss of original family if they remember it. They need to feel that they can bond or grow closer to their new family at their pace and not the adoptive family’s pace. Remember, it is the adoptee who has been uprooted, who has the painful past, and who has to relearn to trust, not the new family. -Patty D. Schlossberg adopted at age 8

So I guess whatever the mountain is that we are facing, our challenge is to not get scared of the mountain. We just have to look at it one step at a time. We don’t have to conquer the mountain in a day. Today we just have to step.

 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Gal. 5:25

• It will be alright.
• You are a strong woman.
• God is with you.

But the fact is, there are moments I don’t want to be strong.  I don’t want things to be alright. And knowing and believing that God is with him or me doesn’t make the pain invisible.

Yesterday I heard this song. It speaks to those moments of my life when I want to tell the world around me:

For now just let me cry…

For now just let me lie…

For now just let me be…

As the transitions in my life continue I keep facing new things that I never anticipated. Through steps of grief  coupled with a rapidly approaching adoption, nothing seems like old hat these days. It’s all new to me.

One new piece of our life will now be the biological family of our soon-to-be son and daughter. Our kids were taken from their family about two years ago and had regular visits until just a few months ago. They know their roots.

Their mom isn’t a birth mom she’s just Mom. Their dad isn’t a birth father. He is Dad.

As we approach this Mother’s Day my heart is drawn to their mom. Maybe by choice or maybe by imposed circumstances she does not have her children. She will not have a Mother’s Day dinner or celebration with her children. Whether or not it is what is best, it’s still hard for her and her children.

So as I navigate this new dynamic in our family here’s some things God has gently place on my heart:

1. Find ways to honor their mother.

I read this a few weeks ago somewhere and I just keep meditating on this thought. I honor her because she chose life. She could have aborted her pregnancies, but she didn’t. She carried those babies full-term and gave them life. Beautiful life. I am honored to love and protect her children.

2. Follow the lead of my kids.

I’m not sure where they are emotionally. I’m still not sure what is safest for them yet. But I am open and ready to listen to their hearts and let God show us the way. I am ready to help them navigate through difficult emotions and encourage love and forgiveness around each turn.

3. Pray for her. 

No matter what the future holds, she is loved fiercely by the God who made her. My hearts desire is for her to know true love and true forgiveness that ultimately comes from having an experience with Jesus. May her soul find rest.

Pure and genuine religion is this.

If the Lord wills, this fall we will be the parents and caregivers of eight children, 6 biological and 2 adopted.

We have heard all the criticism masked as concern. Ok well, maybe not everyone has had the guts to speak their “concern” but here’s a few I’ve heard already.

• What if you run out of money?
• What if the kids don’t get a long?
• Can you handle it?
• What if it all falls apart?
• What if there are problems with their biological family?
• It’s a big job.
• That’s a lot of kids.
• Is that too much responsibility?
• How will you feed them and clothe them?

Well, I came across this line from the Christian Alliance For Orphans, who hosted an adoption summit in Nashville over the weekend.

“Taking on the characteristics of the Father to the fatherless…You’re not crazy and don’t back down…Uniting under the gospel to demonstrate the gospel.” 

When I read those lines up there, those “concerns” are dirt.  I am eternally motivated to take on the characteristics of my Father to the fatherless. I am roused to demonstrate the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ that saved me. I get to do that for the rest of my life to two children. Maybe it IS crazy but I want to do something the world thinks is crazy. And I want to do it in the name of Jesus, to show his power to perfectly  orchestrate and design my life.

And I wonder if the contemporaries of my heroes of faith thought they were crazy too.

Was it crazy for Moses to challenge the King of Egypt? Was it crazy for young David to challenge Goliath? Was it crazy for Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to challenge the authority of a blood-thirsty King? Was it crazy for Mary to challenge the customs of her people and agree to open her womb to Immanuel?

Is it crazy for me to balk at my materialistic, selfish culture and raise 8 kids? I hope so.

When I look into they eyes of my two children who have lost their parents, their home, their life, honestly, money doesn’t matter. What are their lives in comparison to money? If we have to go with less, we will. If we have to sell our stuff, we will. If there are problems, we will deal with them.  And if it all falls apart, we will watch God rebuild it.

At the end of all my fears I find faith. Faith in the promises and truth of my Father. All those concerns melt when matched up to the truth of  God. The Book is filled with truth that cannot be undone, even in the face of fear and concern.

• It is more blessed to give than to receive. (Acts 20:35)
• Defend the orphan. (Psalm 10:14)
• Blessed are the merciful. (Mt. 5:7)
• Do to others what you would like them to do to you. (Mt. 7:12)
• Don’t worry about clothes and food. (Mt. 6:25-36)

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans…  in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. James 1:27

Today I choose pure and genuine religion. Today I choose to care for children in their distress. Today I refuse to let the world and its earthly thinking corrupt me. So if you are a naysayer, please… SHHH!

]]> http://awordywoman.com/dear-naysayers-shhh/feed/ 17 http://awordywoman.com/fears-about-adoption/ http://awordywoman.com/fears-about-adoption/#comments Mon, 06 May 2013 12:49:50 +0000 Serena http://awordywoman.com/?p=3779 [Read On] ]]>

“Adoption … is greater than the universe … Adoption was part of God’s plan. It was his idea, his purpose. It was not an afterthought. He didn’t discover one day that against his plan and foreknowledge humans had sinned and orphaned themselves in the world, and then come up with the idea of adopting them into his family. No, Paul says, he predestined adoption. He planned it.” – John Piper

Adoption is greater than the universe. Maybe that’s why, as the day draws closer, my own insecurities grow. In 12 days we add a 10 year-old son and a 12 year-old daughter to the five biological children living at home. And in some moments it feels bigger than the universe.

In my quiet moments my head swirls with fears.

• What if they don’t love me?
• What if we can’t meet their needs emotionally or even physically?
• What if they want to go back home?
• What if the pull to the biological family is greater than the pull to us?
• What if we have trouble bonding?
• What if they kids don’t bond?
• What if there are behavior issues we don’t know about?
• What if, what if, what if….

What if I surrender all my fears and “what-if’s” to a God who said this:

And why have I called you for this work? Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? It is for the sake of … my chosen one. I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don’t even know me, so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. Is. 45:4-5

What if I trust that God called me to this work before I even knew his name? What if I trust that this is for the sake of his chosen children? What if I trust that there is no other God? And that God equipped me for this mission when I was still a wanderer? What if this same God has already worked out all the details so that the world will know that he is God?

If I trust THAT… well I’d say everything will be just fine.

Today I choose to take my fear, anxiety, worry and trepidation to that God. Today I choose to trust that he has called me  to this and he has equipped me for it long before I knew this day was coming. Today I will step in confidence that the Lord, God the Almighty has got me covered.

Now may the God of peace—    who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—may he equip you with all you need  for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen. Heb. 13:20-21

“Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.” Galatians 5:25

I may have said it here or somewhere else. I feel like this season of my life is less walking in the Spirit and more eyes- blindfolded-on- a-raft- down-a-river in the Spirit. Don’t get me wrong, my control issues pop up every now and then, but I am really learning to take my hands off the wheel and let my Father have his way.

That way has led us to an exciting and somewhat scary change for our family.

Through some pretty amazing circumstances, the Lord has placed 2 orphan children at our door and asked if we will let them in. We said yes.

In just a few weeks we will be adding a 10 year-old son and a 12 year-old daughter to our mix.

I have been asked if I think I’m up for it. Which is a fair question I guess. I realize I am still in a time of grieving. I am pregnant and expecting a newborn in November. But I also totally believe that God will give me the tools I need. In fact, he may have done it already.

And the truth is, when my fear rears up, and I question in myself if I am up for it, my next question to myself is, “Am I up for meeting God face to face and telling him that I wasn’t?”

Our family has been called to a mission of adoption.  How much more can we learn what God has done for each one of us as his people? I was once a homeless, wanderer, rebellions and proud. People used to look at me with a skeptical eye. Suspicion took the place of compassion. And my Father took me in, cleaned me up and made me part of his family. I am now a daughter of the Almighty.

Instead you receive God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

Now I get the chance to not just adopt two children in the DeGarmo family, but I get the chance to adopt them in the family of Yahweh. In this family they will they get to call call their Creator by  name… Abba. Daddy.

]]> http://awordywoman.com/adopted-as-sons-and-daughters/feed/ 2 http://awordywoman.com/to-love-again/ http://awordywoman.com/to-love-again/#comments Tue, 30 Apr 2013 12:52:53 +0000 Serena http://awordywoman.com/?p=3759 [Read On] ]]>

“You cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb the dark emotion- when we numb vulnerability and fear and the shame of not being good enough- we by default numb joy.”  -Brene’ Brown

Sometimes it is easier to just not feel. It is easier for me to wall myself off from vulnerability and fear than to risk the hurt. Over the years I have become quite the expert at building walls around my heart.

But when I read this quote on a friend’s Facebook wall yesterday it stabbed me.  In numbing my fear I have numbed my joy. Inside my protective walls I have paid the price of joy for safety.

Here I sit, 13 weeks pregnant and afraid to even recognize the truth that there is a little baby inside of me. I’m afraid to feel. I am afraid to be vulnerable and love this baby because what happens if I lose this one too.

The truth is I might. It is totally possible that this baby could not be born alive or it is possible that this baby could die too. But I have realized something, if I do lose this baby, when I meet him or her in heaven I want to be able to say that I gave my heart, not reluctantly or with trepidation but I want to tell this child that I loved you fiercely from the beginning.

I cannot risk another day of numbing the pain because it numbs the joy. Numbing the joy steals my ability to love with a relentless love.

I cannot live another day without experiencing the passionate love a mother has, even for her unborn child.

It brings me back to my son’s name, Azaiah, “My strength is Yahweh.” Yahweh loves with unfailing love that he lavishes on his children. Today, I resolve to lavish my unfailing love on all of my children, especially the one yet being formed in my womb.

The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness. I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations.” Exodus 34: 5-7

]]> http://awordywoman.com/to-love-again/feed/ 3 http://awordywoman.com/purpose-in-the-pain/ http://awordywoman.com/purpose-in-the-pain/#comments Mon, 29 Apr 2013 13:16:29 +0000 Serena http://awordywoman.com/?p=3746 [Read On] ]]> One of the things that has helped me find comfort in my grief is to relinquish my claim to sole ownership of grief. Some times when we face a trial we treat it like we are the first, only and last person to ever walk that road of suffering.

The truth is, I am not the only mom who has lost a child. I am one of thousands who bury their children every day. My husband is not the only father to lose a son. My children are not the only siblings who have watched a brother or sister die.

Rather than wallowing selfishly in our pain, we have been asked to share our pain and our comfort others.

I believe that truth is one of reasons God led us to create a family ministry:

“When he died, he died once to break the power of sin.
But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God.”
Romans 6:10

He Lives For Kids 

He comforts us every time we have trouble so that when others have trouble, we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us. 2 Cor. 1:4

Today I am overwhelmed because there is a 5K organized in our community to raise awareness for all the kids who are grieving the loss of a sibling. The proceeds of the race will go to He Lives For Kids. 

Help us bring comfort to as many little hurting hearts as we can. If you would like to join us for this special day check it out!   Click for details:  He Lives For Kids 5K Run/Walk. 

“Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned?” Proverbs 6:27

I just watched a little Youtube video that has fired up my passion for this topic. From the time I was a Christian single to now that I mentor Christian singles, the question has been asked hundreds of times. I’ve even asked it a few times myself.

How far is too far?

Holding hands? Kissing? French Kissing? Laying together? Snuggling with clothes on?  Body to body contact? What about just talking about what we want to do “someday” when we are married? What about flirty texts or pictures? Oral sex? How much CAN I do and not sin?

Let’s start with the heart of that question. I mean, do we ask the question, How close can I get to murder and not sin? Can I fight and beat them to a near death? Can I fantasize about murder?  Really.

Should the question be how close to sin can I get? Or should we be asking how can I get closer to God? How can I guard my heart and live a God-glorifying life? How can I guard my heart from sin? How can I be a woman of God who does everything she can to guard the hearts of men?

So let’s go on from here assuming that we know sin leads to death and we don’t want to die or cause someone else to die (Rom. 6:23).

1. Purpose in your heart what kind of woman you want to be.

The book of Proverbs describes two kinds of women:

My son, obey your father’s commands…their corrective discipline is the way to life. It will keep you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of a promiscuous woman. Don’t lust for her beauty.Don’t let her coy glances seduce you... Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet?  …He who embraces her will not go unpunished.

So she seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery. He followed her at once,like an ox going to the slaughter. He was like a stag caught in a trap,awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart. He was like a bird flying into a snare. (from Proverbs 6-7)

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her,and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm,all the days of her life…She is clothed with strength and dignity…

When she speaks, her words are wise,and she gives instructions with kindness. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done.Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. (from Proverbs 31)