Adoption is something that has always been on my heart. For my husband, it was not. But it seemed just days after losing our son that was the first place in his heart God targeted. He was ready to adopt. Shortly after two children in our church were seeking their forever homes. We thought we were it.
Wednesday my husband and I experienced our second disrupted adoption and the loss of the third child that came into our home and hearts this year.
Another season of loss. Another season of doubt. Another season of hurt. Another opportunity for the accuser to attack my heart with lies.
For the accuser of our brothers and sisters… the one who accuses them before our God day and night. Rev. 12:10
He has always hated the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44
For days I felt the weight of the lies dragging me under. I struggled to see God’s plan. I struggled to find his purpose. I couldn’t even articulate prayers of my own. I couldn’t shake the whispers in my head.
- You weren’t enough.
- You aren’t a good enough mother.
- He didn’t love you.
- You let him down.
- You failed.
- You are losing another child.
I mean Brad and Angelina make it look easy. What about me? Why can’t I get adoption right?
I realized I had to grieve the loss of my hopes for this adoption. I had dreams for what it would be like. I had to let them go. I had to let him go. I had to stop wrestling with God’s will. I had to listen to the truth.
The truth is I did get it right.
Jesus answered the prayers I couldn’t offer. He heard the call of saints praying on my behalf. He stood in my place and took every blow from the enemy. He came and offered his essence- truth (John 14:6).
Jesus spoke truth. I woke up the morning of departure and I felt a strange feeling that I hadn’t felt for a long time. I felt peace. For the first day in weeks I didn’t cry. I didn’t cry. That’s huge. I am a three-week postpartum, still grieving, hormonal time bomb and I didn’t cry. That was truly beyond my own ability.
I was OK. This boy would be OK. Jesus was there and he said:
- You were enough!
- You are a blessed mother who makes me proud.
- You loved him perfectly for the season I appointed.
- You served him well.
- I love how your heart and your arms were open even in your grief.
- You did it! You answered the call.
- You make me smile and I love you.
- Now trust me and give me the future.
Maybe it’s not a disrupted adoption, but you may be in a season of loss as well. Maybe your marriage is slipping away, your child, your parents, your plans or your security. Maybe you find yourself feeling suffocated by the pressure. I know the feeling well.
And I want to leave you with this. Jesus. Trust him and give him your future.
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”