“Every once in a while, for seemingly no reason at all, my eyes well up with tears and the air escapes from my lungs and they refuse to refill. In those moments, I can see my sweet baby’s face clearly, and can almost feel his weight in my arms… And for just a second, my heart stops and I can feel it break. Then, as quickly as the episode came on, my heart starts back to beating as though it never knew the pain it had felt mere seconds before. And I sit there, bewildered, wondering what on earth just happened and when it will happen again.” – Sawyer’s Mom
I read those words the other day and they stopped me in my tracks. I have had those moments. I have had moments when I thought I heard him cry for me. I have had moments of panic when I thought I forgot to check on Azaiah or I just forgot him somewhere. I have moments of I terror because I think I just forgot him. I see him in those moments. I hear him in those moments. I break all over again in those moments.
Those are the moments that we grieving moms are afraid to share. We are afraid it’s too dark. We are afraid to give voice to the pictures that flash through our heads. We are afraid to speak of what death felt in our arms. But its there. Even when we forget for a moment, it is still there.
I am haunted by the moment death visited my house. This is the dark side of grief.
David was haunted by the dark side of grief. David gave it a voice.
The ropes of death entangled me; floods of destruction swept over me. The grave wrapped its ropes around me; death laid a trap in my path. Psalm 18:4-5
There is nothing peaceful about death. There is nothing joyful, meaningful or pleasant about death. It is horrible. It entangles us. It floods us. It wraps ropes around around our neck. It will trap us when we least expect it and hold us captive longer than we imagined possible.
I know this. But even though I know it, I have no words to comfort your broken heart. I have no magic tricks or even helpful tips to cope. I do have something. But it requires belief and faith and surrender. It will require you to give up your life. When you do, it is a truth that can heal. This truth gives us victory over it all, even death. His name is Jesus.
… But now has been revealed by the appearing of our Savior Christ Jesus, who abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. 2 Tim. 1:10
He will swallow up death for all time, And the Lord GOD will wipe tears away from all faces, And He will remove the reproach of His people from all the earth; For the LORD has spoken. Is. 25:8
After that the end will come, when he will turn the Kingdom over to God the Father, having destroyed every ruler and authority and power. For Christ must reign until he humbles all his enemies beneath his feet. And the last enemy to be destroyed is death. 1 Cor. 15:24-26
Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood. For only as a human being could he die, and only by dying could he break the power of the devil, who had the power of death. Heb. 2:14
There will be no more death. Rev. 21:4
Don’t be so surprised! Indeed, the time is coming when all the dead in their graves will hear the voice of God’s Son,and they will rise again. John 5:28
I am the living one. I died, but look—I am alive forever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and the grave. Rev. 1 :18
If you are struggling to untie the cords of death, hand the ropes over to Jesus. It is our only hope to pull us out of the grave. It’s the only way to deal with the dark side of grief.