All The Single Ladies: How Far Is Too Far?

April 24, 2013 by 3 Comments
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“Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned?” Proverbs 6:27

I just watched a little Youtube video that has fired up my passion for this topic. From the time I was a Christian single to now that I mentor Christian singles, the question has been asked hundreds of times. I’ve even asked it a few times myself.

How far is too far?

Holding hands? Kissing? French Kissing? Laying together? Snuggling with clothes on?  Body to body contact? What about just talking about what we want to do “someday” when we are married? What about flirty texts or pictures? Oral sex? How much CAN I do and not sin?

Let’s start with the heart of that question. I mean, do we ask the question, How close can I get to murder and not sin? Can I fight and beat them to a near death? Can I fantasize about murder?  Really.

Should the question be how close to sin can I get? Or should we be asking how can I get closer to God? How can I guard my heart and live a God-glorifying life? How can I guard my heart from sin? How can I be a woman of God who does everything she can to guard the hearts of men?

So let’s go on from here assuming that we know sin leads to death and we don’t want to die or cause someone else to die (Rom. 6:23).

1. Purpose in your heart what kind of woman you want to be.

The book of Proverbs describes two kinds of women:

My son, obey your father’s commands…their corrective discipline is the way to life. It will keep you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of a promiscuous woman. Don’t lust for her beauty.Don’t let her coy glances seduce you... Can a man scoop a flame into his lap and not have his clothes catch on fire? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet?  …He who embraces her will not go unpunished.

So she seduced him with her pretty speech and enticed him with her flattery. He followed her at once,like an ox going to the slaughter. He was like a stag caught in a trap,awaiting the arrow that would pierce its heart. He was like a bird flying into a snare. (from Proverbs 6-7)

Or

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her,and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm,all the days of her life…She is clothed with strength and dignity…

When she speaks, her words are wise,and she gives instructions with kindness. Her husband praises her: “There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” Charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last;but a woman who fears the Lord will be greatly praised. Reward her for all she has done.Let her deeds publicly declare her praise. (from Proverbs 31)

There is no neutral. In your heart to have you determine and purpose to be “a woman who fears the Lord”? If not, you may be setting yourself up to be the “immoral woman.” Trust me.

2. Understand your body is the dwelling place of God.

But the body is not for sexual sin. The body is for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body… Surely you know that your bodies are parts of Christ himself. So I must never take what is part of Christ and join it to a prostitute! The Scriptures say, “The two people will become one.” So you should know that anyone who is joined with a prostitute becomes one with her in body. But anyone who is joined with the Lord is one with him in spirit… 

So if you commit sexual sin, you are sinning against your own body. You should know that your body is a temple for the Holy Spirit that you received from God and that lives in you. You don’t own yourselves. God paid a very high price to make you his. So honor God with your body. (1 Cor. 6)

When you sin with your body you are joining Jesus to your sin. The thought of that makes me nauseous. I hate that I did that.  I hate that I dishonored my Lord with my careless, selfish sin. Sin that he gave his life to ransom me from. He allowed men to spill his blood to purify me. All he asks is for me to honor him with this body in return.

3. Lust is the line you don’t want to cross.

Sometimes I think we want lines drawn so we KNOW what we can and can’t do. But the way of Christ isn’t like that. The way of Christ is a faith of the heart, purity and a desire to be holy. We do that not to be saved, but as a  response from the heart of one who has been saved.

One line I can draw is that where lust begins so does sin.

But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. (Mt. 5:28)

As a married woman who has a very honest husband, the lust line is a lot closer than most of think.

4. Make a purposeful sacrifice.

One day you may be married. The guy you are with may not be him.  So when you do present your body to your husband, do you want it to  have another man’s  hand prints all over it? What message does that send your husband? I will tell you what message it sent mine. As a young man he believed he wasn’t worth the sacrifice. Satan used that and spun a web of lies that held us in captivity for a long time. We started off with a tremendous hill of sin to climb because of me.

We are training our daughters to guard their heart and body so that they can give it over to the man God chooses one day, pure.

5. Plan Boundaries

If any situation leads to lust, which honestly doesn’t take long for sexually deprived singles, stop it!  Jesus said if you lust it’s better to cut off your offending hand and pluck out your eye (Mt. 5:29-30).

Paul said if it leads to sexual sin run away FAST! (1 Cor. 6:18). The point is we need to take radical steps to prevent sin or stop sin after it begins, which is a lot harder!

Some boundaries/lack of boundaries that I know have led Christians into sin:

  • Getting serious too fast
  • Watching movies in the dark
  • Extended time alone
  • Late nights alone
  • Spending the night together
  • Sexual jokes
  • Kissing
  • Road trips
  • “Innocent” physical contact (sitting on his lap, massaging, tickling, etc)
  • Drinking

You might think those are crazy. Jesus said a walk with him is crazy.

6.The Stakes are eternal.

Sexual impurity will keep you from heaven.

Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men… (1 Cor. 6:9)

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (Heb. 13:4)

“Choose this day whom you will serve.” Will it be the god of your flesh? Or the God of holiness?

Previous post: Can Christians Date?

Filed Under: Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Marriage, Singlehood Tagged With: , ,

Grieving Together

February 26, 2013 by 5 Comments
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” And Isaac brought Rebekah into his mother Sarah’s tent, and she became his wife. He loved her deeply, and she was a special comfort to him after the death of his mother.” Gen. 24:67

So I have a tendency to withdraw from people when I hurt. I tend to crawl  into my hole, leaving those outside feeling isolated, especially my husband.

I suppose God tucked away this little verse in Genesis 24:67 for me. When Isaac was grieving the loss of his mother he married Rebekah. He loved her deeply. She was a special comfort to him.

I love this because during Isaac’s time of grief he allowed God to comfort him through the covenant of marriage and hands of his wife. In my grief there are moments that marriage is abrasive to me. There are moments when I don’t want to let my husband in. There are even moments I think I would rather be alone.

But what I have forgotten is that God can still use marriage for me like he did for Isaac if I only let him. I can wall myself off in my pain or I can reach out. I can speak my hurt and allow the arms my husband to be my strength or I can maintain barriers and let it all fall apart.

I have a choice, keep him out or be vulnerable… to tough it out alone, or dig deep into our marriage and let God dwell there. Today I have made the choice to let God dwell there.

Jesus knew their thoughts and said to them, “Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.” Matthew 12:25

 

Filed Under: Christian Life, Death and Dying, Marriage Tagged With: ,

Can Christians Date?

February 22, 2013 by 4 Comments

A couple weeks ago my husband and I took our 7 year-old daughter out to dinner, per her request, to Olive Garden. She wanted us to get dressed up and take just her. When we got to the restaurant she wanted Daniel and I to sit together and her across from us. As she smiled and sparkled she said, “Mommy, Daddy was the first one you ever kissed right?”

My heart sank. Shame sparked like fire in my spirit. As I stumbled on my words, not knowing how to answer my innocent child, my husband said, “I’m the first one that mattered.”  Again, my husband, my Christ-figure (Eph. 5) covered my sin, the sins of my youth.

If you are a teenager, raising a teenager, will ever be raising a teenager or know a teenager, watch this. Open your heart and consider this truth.

 

 

Marriage is hard. The process of becoming one flesh is tedious and painful. When you add the baggage of previous relationships and sexual sin marriage is only harder. If you are single my plea to you is please don’t give your body, your heart, your commitment or your dreams to anyone until marriage is your intention… and theirs.

Filed Under: Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Marriage, Matters of the Heart, Singlehood Tagged With: , , ,

Perfect Time, Perfect Place, God’s Perfect Will

February 13, 2013 by 1 Comment

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“You are in the perfect place at the perfect time to do God’s perfect will.”

Facing the extermination of their people, a Jewish man and his niece, who now serves as queen, contemplate ways to save their captive people in a foreign land.

Mordecai sent this reply to Esther: “Don’t think for a moment that because you’re in the palace you will escape when all other Jews are killed. If you keep quiet at a time like this, deliverance and relief for the Jews will arise from some other place, but you and your relatives will die. Who knows if perhaps you were made queen for just such a time as this?”

Then Esther sent this reply to Mordecai: “Go and gather together all the Jews of Susa and fast for me. Do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. My maids and I will do the same. And then, though it is against the law, I will go in to see the king. If I must die, I must die.” So Mordecai went away and did everything as Esther had ordered him. Esther 4:13-17

Today, how will I face my circumstances differently if I surrender to the possibility that I am in the perfect place, at the perfect time, to do God’s perfect will? How will I adapt to the trials of this day if I stop fighting the moment and  consider that I was made for such a time as this? And how will my response change if I face the dilemmas placed before me today with a spirit that says, “If I must die, I must die.”?

What if I look to God and say, “If my son must die, he must die”?

Lord God, my Almighty,

I ask you to be here with me Lord, help me. Help me to live in my moment today embracing the blessings and the trials. Help me to live my purpose in life and death. Show me how to give you the glory in both. 

Filed Under: Christian Life, Death and Dying, Fatherhood, Mama Stuff, Marriage, Matters of the Heart, Parenting, Prayer Life

“We Just Couldn’t Be Married”

November 30, 2012 by 1 Comment

A couple of years ago I heard Lisa Whelchel (she’s famous for playing Blair on Facts of Life) speak at a Women of Faith event. Today I read that she is divorced from her husband and commented to People Magazine, “I never thought divorce would happen to me. But Steve is still my best friend. We just couldn’t be married.”

I cannot judge Lisa or the circumstances she is in, but the truth is , from a far, this makes me sad. It is sad to see a woman of influence who has an audience of millions say things that clearly aren’t words of life. It makes me sad that believers have adopted such a blase attitude toward covenant breaking. It makes me sad that children of God have forgotten what the holy scripture actually says about divorce.

Divorce doesn’t just “happen.” Divorce is a choice we make. Sometimes the circumstances are beyond our control, but it never just happens. Can God’s grace cover divorce? I believe it absolutely can. But should we toss out the commandments of the Almighty so grace can cover us? NEVER! (Rom. 6:1-2).

Many Christians have fallen into the enemy’s trap, “We just COULDN’T be married.”  I’m afraid that’s a lie that is penetrating countless hearts. When we make vows to man and God there is never a “couldn’t” involved.  God promises to equip us to fulfill every good work he has called us to (2 Tim 3:17). And how do I know it’s a lie? Because the Creator of marriage has something much different to say.

Genesis 2:21-24

So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep. While the man slept, the Lord God took out one of the man’s ribs and closed up the opening. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man.

“At last!” the man exclaimed. “This one is bone from my bone, and flesh from my flesh! She will be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken from ‘man.’” This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. 

Malachi 2:14-16

You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows.

Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his… So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.”

Matthew 19:6

So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.

Romans 7:2

By law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive…

Hosea 4:2

You make vows and break them…

Ezekiel 16:59

“Now this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I will give you what you deserve, for you have taken your solemn vows lightly by breaking your covenant.

Ephesians 5:22-25

For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church.

Hebrews 13:4

Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage.

I will give myself to prayer for marriages today among believers. How can we save others when we can’t save ourselves? Let’s get back to opening the ancient book of God and restore his ways among his people. Let’s honor the covenant of marriage as it bears of image of a holy and righteous God, who alone is good. (See 2 Chronicles 34.)

Filed Under: Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Marriage Tagged With:

Husband: Friend or Foe?

November 21, 2012 by 3 Comments

So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Eph. 5:33

I came across this article by Emerson Eggerichs, Believing the Best About Your Spouse. It’s really a quick, worthwhile read. A few years ago Daniel and I went through his DVD series, Love and Respect, so I was already familiar with his approach. But what struck me in this short article is how much I don’t do it. My first tendency isn’t to believe the best about my husband.

Usually my FIRST inclination is to think he left that pile of dirty clothes on the floor again to disrespect me. Or that he chooses to work late because he doesn’t value me or time with me. Or he gets up late and doesn’t help get the kids ready for school because he doesn’t notice or care that I was up several times in the night with another child. I let these little things grow and fester into resentment. That resentment affects our marriage and my ability  to love him like Jesus calls me to.

The truth is, these issues are less about him, and more about me. Really, what does it say about me that my first judgement of my life’s partner is impugning?

I married him because I did believe him to be a good-willed man. I still do. I still believe that he is full of integrity, pure motives, and a loving heart. But when I drift into selfishness I forget all those things.

I talk to a lot of women. And I know that I am not alone in this. There’s a lot of us out there who tend to see the worst in our husbands and not the best. When we look at them we see their faults, their habits that annoy us, or even their spiritual blemishes.

So I want to leave us with some truly inspired words from 1 Cor. 13 to think about today.

  • Love is patient 
  • Love is kind 
  • Is not jealous 
  • Love does not brag and is not arrogant 
  • Does not act unbecomingly 
  • It does not seek its own 
  • Is not provoked 
  • Does not take into account a wrong suffered 
  • Does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices with the truth 
  • Bears all things 
  • Believes all things 
  • Hopes all things 
  • Endures all things

Today I need to focus on seeing the best in my husband. I need to love better. I need to forgive more. And I need to remember he loves me too.

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Col. 3:13

Filed Under: Christian Life, Marriage Tagged With: , ,

Fifteen Years Later… I Still Do

November 8, 2012 by 1 Comment

May the Lord bless you with the security of… marriage. Ruth 1:9

To my husband:

Today we celebrate 15 years of not always wedded bliss. What a ride it has been. We have changed careers, lived in another country, traveled abroad, planted a church, bought a house, had six kids, nearly lost it all and watched God rebuilt it better than we could have imagined.

On the journey there have been days I thought you would leave. There have been days that I wanted to leave.  And I know there have been days that we stayed, not because we were so in love, but because our commitment to marriage was stronger than our disappointments and frustration. And through it all there has been a force bigger than ourselves pulling for us.

As I reflect on the past 15 years, today I just want to say thank you. Thank you for staying. Thank you for accepting me with my faults and flaws. Thank you for giving me a safe place to fall. Thank you for loving me, even when you see the darkest parts of me. Thank you for proving to me that I am worth the effort to fight for. Thank you for facing your demons to save me from mine. Thank you for letting God redeem me through you.

We had no idea what we were getting into, but one thing I know, I would do it again.  ”I still do.”

Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. Heb. 13:4

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With:

The Christian and Sexual Fantasy

October 26, 2012 by Leave a Comment

 For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander. -Jesus

Have you ever heard of a Christian couple that seemed like they had it all together and then out of left field news of an affair comes out and divorce may soon follow? Their family, friends, and church are shocked.  Their children are blind-sided. And everyone says they had no idea.

This scenario has impacted my world far too many times. I have mourned homes broken, wounded kids, fractured churches,  and souls lost over the sin of adultery.  In the wake of these tragedies, everyone asks the same question, “When did  it  start?”

I don’t know a lot, but I am confident of one thing, it started well before the first touch, before the first kiss, and definitely before sex happened. It started with those thoughts Jesus was talking about in Matthew 15:19. It all started with a fantasy.

It started with a discontent wife fantasizing about being with a sexier man, a teen-age boy, or another woman. It started with a husband fantasizing about  being with multiple women, a young girl, or someone else forbidden. It started in the heart, produced evil thoughts and culminated in sin.

Here’s another thing I know, married people aren’t the only ones with sexual fantasies. Single and divorced Christians are struggling with what to do with their lust for sex outside of marriage, homosexual desires, bondage fantasies, and thoughts of pedophilia.

Maybe you find yourself struggling alone with these thoughts and your guilt is overwhelming you. You feel dirty for things you fantasize about. Or maybe your fantasies have dominated you and you have indulged in sexual sin and can’t get out.

If you feel alone, I want you to know you are not. In our small work, my husband and I have heard the confessions of numerous Christians and even ministers of things they never told anyone. They have been enslaved by child pornography, sex with minors, multiple sex partners, prostitution and sexual addictions of all kinds.

Here’s another thing I know, we can’t throw a bible verse at these things and make them disappear. Satan has woven a deep cord through the hearts and minds of many Christ followers. He has created a false reality and warped their sense of truth. Eph. 5:11 tells us to expose his darkness with truth. That is often an arduous journey of peeling back layer after layer of scars and wounds to find real emotional, psychological and spiritual healing.

Shannon Ethridge, in her latest release, The Fantasy Fallacy, approaches this topic in a way that exposes darkness and points us in the direction of God-centered sexual freedom that we were created for.

I want to give Shannon a personal plug here. Several years ago when my husband and I were facing our own battle against sexual fallacies in our marriage, Shannon and Greg Ethridge took a call from Daniel that changed the course of our marriage and our ministry forever. We were at a crossroads that was likely to end in divorce and end of our work in the kingdom of God. But God placed these servants in our path at just the right time. We were rerouted toward heaven, Satan’s lies were exposed and healing for us began.

Click here for more details and what Shannon needs from you: Behind the Scenes of The Fantasy Fallacy: The Blessed Birth and a Giveaway! To get your copy click here: www.shannonethridge.com

For more you can check out previous posts: Magic Mike or Tragic Mike? The Christian Woman and Her Entertainment, Magic Mike or Tragic Mike? Part 2: How Do I Break the Chains of Sexual Sin?

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Gen. 2:25

Filed Under: Addiction, Christ-followers & Culture, Marriage, Matters of the Heart, Mental Health, Sexual Abuse and Healing, Spiritual Warfare Tagged With: , ,

A Word for Wives

October 12, 2012 by Leave a Comment

“Wives, be willing to serve your husbands the same as the Lord…You should be willing to serve your husbands in everything.”  Eph. 5:22, 24 (ERV)

The other day as I was flipping through my bible looking for some unrelated verse, I read THIS.  Really? Serve my husband the same as I would Jesus and be willing to do it all the time.

Wow, do I fall miserably short of that.

When I drag my feet, sigh, or resist serving I am doing that to the Lord. When I busy myself with things that prevent me from serving I am doing that to the Lord. When I think I am too exhausted to serve him… I am doing that to my Lord.

But on the flip side, every load of laundry, cooked dinner, listening ear, voice of compassion, word of respect, and yielding heart I offer is also to Jesus my Lord.

So today, as I face the challenges of the day, I pray for eyes that will look for ways to serve my husband. Through prayer, through tender touches, through an attitude of  grace, I pray I will serve my husband the same as I would the Lord.

“Wives, be willing to serve your husbands the same as the Lord. A husband is the head of his wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. Christ is the Savior of the church, which is his body. The church serves under Christ, so it is the same with you wives. You should be willing to serve your husbands in everything.” Eph. 5:22-24

Filed Under: Marriage, Submission in Marriage, Womanhood Tagged With:

Silence Grows Sin: Inside the Heart and Life of an Incest Survivor

October 4, 2012 by 2 Comments

Silence Grows Sin

Yesterday I opened up one of the most avoided topic in the church today- incest. The first in this series is Why Can’t I Get This Muzzle Off: Inside the Heart and Life of an Incest Survivor.

Many parents, families and church leaders simply do not see the need to expose the horror of this sin. Maybe from their own fear or ignorance, they simply do not act. But we need to walk in this truth:

You can be sure that no immoral or impure… person will inherit the Kingdom of Christ and of God… Don’t be fooled by those who try to excuse these sins, for the anger of God will fall on all who disobey him.  Don’t participate in the things these people do.  For once you were full of darkness, but now you have light from the Lord. So live as people of light… take no part in the worthless deeds of evil and darkness; instead, expose them. Eph. 5

When we remain inactive and silent, sin grows and Satan thrives. In continuation from yesterday, here is more from the story of our guest writer:

I never spoke of “what I had done to my biological dad.”  The muzzle was securely fastened.

I did not realize how critical that day was to me. I did not realize the lies that I started believing about myself. I did not realize the framework for my future was laid. That one day defined me.

But I had gotten away from my dad. Surely there was not another man like him. Surely I would be able to recognize another wolf in sheep’s clothing. Surely if I did I would run.

I married someone who everyone loved, the golden boy. He was from good stock- a reputable Christian family. I also married someone who confirmed the lies I believed about myself. I believed I was worthless. He repeatedly berated me with the “truth” that I was right. I was indeed worth nothing.

He confirmed it when he lied to me. He confirmed it when he paid for sex from prostitutes. He confirmed it when he would rather have sex with me while I was asleep than awake. He confirmed it when he would rather just not come home or when he would stay up all hours watching porn. He confirmed it when he could only bear to have sex with me while I was awake if he was watching porn. He confirmed it when he put his hands on me in rage and tell me I was crazy. He confirmed it with every action that was in defiance to God’s call for a righteous husband.

Yet I convinced myself I deserved it. My father convinced me I was worthless. My husband put the period at the end of the sentence, sealing my fate, so I believed.

At this point, in my 30’s, I was either going to find freedom or kill myself. I already tried the latter in my teens. Because those attempts were unsuccessful, I really hoped there was another way to escape my personal hell.

Of course I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. When I tried indirectly to seek godly counsel I heard things like, “A good wife is submissive. A good wife pleases her husband in the bedroom. A husband wants a slut in the bedroom and saint in the kitchen.” Fear tightened the muzzle.

Just like before, this all had to be my fault. I strove to be the ideal wife- self-sacrificing, submissive, compliant. So why was he rejecting me? Why couldn’t I just be a “good wife”?  Why couldn’t I make this marriage good?

On the outside all looked delightful. But inside there was nothing but sin and destruction. Satan was taking me down.

What I didn’t know was that while I agonized alone, in fear, God was fighting for me. God retrained his wrath for a moment. But then He started opening my eyes. He started showing me the truth… I am worth fighting for.

 You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.- Jesus

 Tomorrow… Breaking the Chains

Filed Under: Marriage, Matters of the Heart, Sexual Abuse and Healing Tagged With: , ,
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