Kids and Beyond

Getting To Know Them: Bonding After Adoption

May 20, 2013 by Serena 3 Comments

This week our newest additions to our clan officially move in. There is a lot of excitement, coupled with some anxiety and a few drops of fear.

Rooms have picked, beds have been purchased, clothes have been washed, toothbrushes are ready.

That’s the easy stuff. Yesterday as we were all hanging out together I just had this huge wash of fear about bonding.

What if I treat them differently or have different feelings toward them than I have toward my biological children?

In that moment I felt overwhelmed, ashamed and even embarrassed to deal with my feelings internally, let alone speak them.

Then the words of a wise friend came to mind. Just a week ago I got a message from an adult woman who was fostered as a teen. She said, “Just get to know them.”

With that thought my mountain got a lot smaller. My long-term goal is to be connected to these kids as closely as my biological kids, but the truth is I don’t know them yet. They don’t know me yet either.

My next step on this journey is simply getting to know them. I know my other kids. I know what their favorite meal is. I know how they will answer a question. I know how they will respond to specific situations. I know what makes them smile. I know what their fears are. I know what makes them laugh. I know their favorite TV shows. I know their friends. I know their habits.

I don’t really know any of those things about my new arrivals. My first step up the bonding mountain is a lot simpler than I let my fears make it out to be. I just need to get to know my new kids.

I need to work on this bonding thing in steps. They aren’t newborn babies I can rock to sleep at night. They are people. People who have had life happen hard. They are people who come with a story, with history. My job is to learn that story.

The best thing you can do for children… is to let them know you love them, that you will always be there for them, and will try to help them in any way possible if they ask you… and they may need much more reassurance than you think should be needed. They need to be told it’s okay to be angry about what happened before, and that it’s okay to mourn the loss of original family if they remember it. They need to feel that they can bond or grow closer to their new family at their pace and not the adoptive family’s pace. Remember, it is the adoptee who has been uprooted, who has the painful past, and who has to relearn to trust, not the new family. -Patty D. Schlossberg adopted at age 8

So I guess whatever the mountain is that we are facing, our challenge is to not get scared of the mountain. We just have to look at it one step at a time. We don’t have to conquer the mountain in a day. Today we just have to step.

If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Gal. 5:25

A New Mother’s Day: Honoring Their Birth Mom

May 10, 2013 by Serena 1 Comment

As the transitions in my life continue I keep facing new things that I never anticipated. Through steps of grief coupled with a rapidly approaching adoption, nothing seems like old hat these days. It’s all new to me.

One new piece of our life will now be the biological family of our soon-to-be son and daughter. Our kids were taken from their family about two years ago and had regular visits until just a few months ago. They know their roots.

Their mom isn’t a birth mom she’s just Mom. Their dad isn’t a birth father. He is Dad.

As we approach this Mother’s Day my heart is drawn to their mom. Maybe by choice or maybe by imposed circumstances she does not have her children. She will not have a Mother’s Day dinner or celebration with her children. Whether or not it is what is best, it’s still hard for her and her children.

So as I navigate this new dynamic in our family here’s some things God has gently place on my heart:

1. Find ways to honor their mother.

I read this a few weeks ago somewhere and I just keep meditating on this thought. I honor her because she chose life. She could have aborted her pregnancies, but she didn’t. She carried those babies full-term and gave them life. Beautiful life. I am honored to love and protect her children.

2. Follow the lead of my kids.

I’m not sure where they are emotionally. I’m still not sure what is safest for them yet. But I am open and ready to listen to their hearts and let God show us the way. I am ready to help them navigate through difficult emotions and encourage love and forgiveness around each turn.

3. Pray for her.

No matter what the future holds, she is loved fiercely by the God who made her. My hearts desire is for her to know true love and true forgiveness that ultimately comes from having an experience with Jesus. May her soul find rest.

Filed Under: Adoption, Christian Life, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff Tagged With: birth families

Dear Naysayers, Shhh!

May 9, 2013 by Serena 17 Comments

Pure and genuine religion is this.

If the Lord wills, this fall we will be the parents and caregivers of eight children, 6 biological and 2 adopted.

We have heard all the criticism masked as concern. Ok well, maybe not everyone has had the guts to speak their “concern” but here’s a few I’ve heard already.

What if you run out of money?
What if the kids don’t get a long?
Can you handle it?
What if it all falls apart?
What if there are problems with their biological family?
It’s a big job.
That’s a lot of kids.
Is that too much responsibility?
How will you feed them and clothe them?

Well, I came across this line from the Christian Alliance For Orphans, who hosted an adoption summit in Nashville over the weekend.

“Taking on the characteristics of the Father to the fatherless…You’re not crazy and don’t back down…Uniting under the gospel to demonstrate the gospel.”

When I read those lines up there, those “concerns” are dirt. I am eternally motivated to take on the characteristics of my Father to the fatherless. I am roused to demonstrate the power of the gospel of Jesus Christ that saved me. I get to do that for the rest of my life to two children. Maybe it IS crazy but I want to do something the world thinks is crazy. And I want to do it in the name of Jesus, to show his power to perfectly orchestrate and design my life.

And I wonder if the contemporaries of my heroes of faith thought they were crazy too.

Was it crazy for Moses to challenge the King of Egypt? Was it crazy for young David to challenge Goliath? Was it crazy for Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego to challenge the authority of a blood-thirsty King? Was it crazy for Mary to challenge the customs of her people and agree to open her womb to Immanuel?

Is it crazy for me to balk at my materialistic, selfish culture and raise 8 kids? I hope so.

When I look into they eyes of my two children who have lost their parents, their home, their life, honestly, money doesn’t matter. What are their lives in comparison to money? If we have to go with less, we will. If we have to sell our stuff, we will. If there are problems, we will deal with them. And if it all falls apart, we will watch God rebuild it.

At the end of all my fears I find faith. Faith in the promises and truth of my Father. All those concerns melt when matched up to the truth of God. The Book is filled with truth that cannot be undone, even in the face of fear and concern.

It is more blessed to give than to receive. (Acts 20:35)
Defend the orphan. (Psalm 10:14)
Blessed are the merciful. (Mt. 5:7)
Do to others what you would like them to do to you. (Mt. 7:12)
Don’t worry about clothes and food. (Mt. 6:25-36)

Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans… in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. James 1:27

Today I choose pure and genuine religion. Today I choose to care for children in their distress. Today I refuse to let the world and its earthly thinking corrupt me. So if you are a naysayer, please… SHHH!

Filed Under: Adoption, Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff Tagged With: adoption, faith

Fears About Adoption

May 6, 2013 by Serena 6 Comments

“Adoption … is greater than the universe … Adoption was part of God’s plan. It was his idea, his purpose. It was not an afterthought. He didn’t discover one day that against his plan and foreknowledge humans had sinned and orphaned themselves in the world, and then come up with the idea of adopting them into his family. No, Paul says, he predestined adoption. He planned it.” – John Piper

Adoption is greater than the universe. Maybe that’s why, as the day draws closer, my own insecurities grow. In 12 days we add a 10 year-old son and a 12 year-old daughter to the five biological children living at home. And in some moments it feels bigger than the universe.

In my quiet moments my head swirls with fears.

What if they don’t love me?
What if we can’t meet their needs emotionally or even physically?
What if they want to go back home?
What if the pull to the biological family is greater than the pull to us?
What if we have trouble bonding?
What if they kids don’t bond?
What if there are behavior issues we don’t know about?
What if, what if, what if….

What if I surrender all my fears and “what-if’s” to a God who said this:

And why have I called you for this work? Why did I call you by name when you did not know me? It is for the sake of … my chosen one. I am the Lord; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle, though you don’t even know me, so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. Is. 45:4-5

What if I trust that God called me to this work before I even knew his name? What if I trust that this is for the sake of his chosen children? What if I trust that there is no other God? And that God equipped me for this mission when I was still a wanderer? What if this same God has already worked out all the details so that the world will know that he is God?

If I trust THAT… well I’d say everything will be just fine.

Today I choose to take my fear, anxiety, worry and trepidation to that God. Today I choose to trust that he has called me to this and he has equipped me for it long before I knew this day was coming. Today I will step in confidence that the Lord, God the Almighty has got me covered.

Now may the God of peace— who brought up from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great Shepherd of the sheep, and ratified an eternal covenant with his blood—may he equip you with all you need for doing his will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen. Heb. 13:20-21

Filed Under: Adoption, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff Tagged With: adoption

Adopted As Sons and Daughters

May 2, 2013 by Serena 2 Comments

“Since we are living by the Spirit, let us follow the Spirit’s leading in every part of our lives.” Galatians 5:25

I may have said it here or somewhere else. I feel like this season of my life is less walking in the Spirit and more eyes- blindfolded-on- a-raft- down-a-river in the Spirit. Don’t get me wrong, my control issues pop up every now and then, but I am really learning to take my hands off the wheel and let my Father have his way.

That way has led us to an exciting and somewhat scary change for our family.

Through some pretty amazing circumstances, the Lord has placed 2 orphan children at our door and asked if we will let them in. We said yes.

In just a few weeks we will be adding a 10 year-old son and a 12 year-old daughter to our mix.

I have been asked if I think I’m up for it. Which is a fair question I guess. I realize I am still in a time of grieving. I am pregnant and expecting a newborn in November. But I also totally believe that God will give me the tools I need. In fact, he may have done it already.

And the truth is, when my fear rears up, and I question in myself if I am up for it, my next question to myself is, “Am I up for meeting God face to face and telling him that I wasn’t?”

Our family has been called to a mission of adoption. How much more can we learn what God has done for each one of us as his people? I was once a homeless, wanderer, rebellions and proud. People used to look at me with a skeptical eye. Suspicion took the place of compassion. And my Father took me in, cleaned me up and made me part of his family. I am now a daughter of the Almighty.

Instead you receive God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

Now I get the chance to not just adopt two children in the DeGarmo family, but I get the chance to adopt them in the family of Yahweh. In this family they will they get to call call their Creator by name… Abba. Daddy.

Filed Under: Adoption, Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff Tagged With: adtopion

Family Pictures

April 17, 2013 by Serena 4 Comments

Our family pictures.

2003

2006

2009

2011

2012

As the reality of baby #7 soaks in, so does the reality of what I have lost. The past couple days I have grieved over the fact that I will never have a complete family photo again. I just grieve.

Today I don’t have any super epiphany to share with that. I have no “Ah-ha!” moment that has brought me to my senses. I have no magic words to dispense to other hurting moms who feel the same way. I am just sad. I am sad that my next family photo will have a piece of me gone.

How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?

…

But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.

Psalm 13

Filed Under: Death and Dying, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff, Matters of the Heart

The Truth About Prom

April 12, 2013 by Serena 4 Comments

Chaperons don’t enforce morality; they force immorality to be discreet. ~Judith Martin

My Facebook feed has been buzzing with response to a timely piece, “But It’s the Prom” by Steve Higginbotham.

So I figured, I might-as-well weigh in with another perspective.

Twenty years ago… oh that makes me feel not so youthful… I was a brand new Christian straight out the world. My first two years of high school were spent immersed in wickedness. My life was full of drunkenness, violence, vulgarity and sexual immortality. I associated with drug dealers and criminals.

Even though I knew better I was trapped. I sunk deeper and deeper into the pit of guilt and shame. I was hurting, broken, hopeless and helpless.

Then I found the Healer.

He picked me up off the ground. He covered me. He spoke life, “Now go and sin no more” (John 8:1-11).

I was rescued. I was redeemed. I was changed. I was also quickly convicted of how much I owed my new Master. My life was now indebted to a cause and to a Man much greater than myself.

He changed my life with these words:

As they were walking along, someone said to Jesus, “I will follow you wherever you go.”
But Jesus replied:

“Foxes have dens to live in, and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place even to lay his head.”

He said to another person:

“Come, follow me.”

The man agreed, but he said, “Lord, first let me return home and bury my father.”
But Jesus told him:

“Let the spiritually dead bury their own dead! Your duty is to go and preach about the Kingdom of God.”

Another said, “Yes, Lord, I will follow you, but first let me say good-bye to my family.”
But Jesus told him:

“Anyone who puts a hand to the plow and then looks back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.”

I was now a teenage girl on mission. I unashamedly spoke the same truth that had just saved me. Instead of getting into fights in the hallway I got into bible studies. Instead of cursing, my lips spoke praise. I stumbled but I believed Jesus’ promises to be worth getting back up for.

I was honored to join the ranks of teens who desired to serve God in biblical proportions.

Joseph- 17 years old who fled sexual sin
Daniel- 15 years old who rejected the delicacies of the King
Mary- 14 years old who carried the Savior in her womb

So what’s that have to do with going to the prom?

Well, I’m just about there.

I wasn’t interested in dancing. I was interested in following Jesus. I wasn’t interested in high school drama. I was interested in preaching the Kingdom of God. I wasn’t interested in loud, worldly music. I was interested in setting my hand to the plow and not looking back.

I didn’t spend my final days of high school planning my outfit for prom. I did spend my last days of high school planning for my first missionary trip to the Philippines.

Even more, with my new-found faith I had no desire to go and watch my friends and classmates drive the nails deeper into the hands of my Lord. I knew what most people would be doing there. There would be girls offering their bodies to boys. There would be girls experimenting with girls and boys with boys. There would be lust. There would be drunkenness. There would be drugs. Their would be filthy talk.

I had no desire to hear filth pour from the hearts. I had no desire to watch their lewd and lustful behavior. I had no desire to keep on participating in the sin that I had so recently been set free from. There are times that I had to be in the world, Prom night was not one of them.

I had enough of sin.

You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy—their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols. 1 Pet. 4:3

There is no go-to Bible verse that declares an eternal truth, “Thou shalt not go to the prom.” It’s not carved on a stone tablet some where. Prom doesn’t make the glossary of the New Testament.

But all the stuff that goes with it does sure does.

Surely you know that people who do wrong will not get to enjoy God’s kingdom. Don’t be fooled. These are the people who will not get to enjoy his kingdom: those who sin sexually, those who worship idols, those who commit adultery, men who let other men use them for sex or who have sex with other men, those who steal, those who are greedy, those who drink too much, those who abuse others with insults, and those who cheat. In the past some of you were like that. But you were washed clean, you were made holy, and you were made right with God in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Cor. 6:9-11

Let’s remember this prom season, whether you are a teenage or the parent of one, our kids in Christ have been washed clean and made holy by the blood of Jesus. Let’s honor that as holy and sacred. Let’s not justify sin by saying we can be a good example in the middle of Sodom. Let’s keep our hearts, our hands and our eyes pure before a righteous God who sacrificed a lot to make you his.

Filed Under: Christ-followers & Culture, Christian Life, Kids and Beyond, Parenting Tagged With: Kids and prom, teens in Christ

Does God Work in the Lives of His People?

April 8, 2013 by Serena 7 Comments

Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. Ecc. 11:5

Then on the seventh day the child died. David’s advisers were afraid to tell him. “He wouldn’t listen to reason while the child was ill,” they said. “What drastic thing will he do when we tell him the child is dead?”

When David saw them whispering, he realized what had happened. “Is the child dead?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

Then David got up from the ground, washed himself, put on lotions, and changed his clothes. He went to the Tabernacle and worshiped the Lord. After that, he returned to the palace and was served food and ate.

His advisers were amazed. “We don’t understand you,” they told him. “While the child was still living, you wept and refused to eat. But now that the child is dead, you have stopped your mourning and are eating again.”

David replied, “I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, ‘Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me.”

Then David comforted Bathsheba, his wife, and slept with her. She became pregnant and gave birth to a son, and David named him Solomon. The Lord loved the child and sent word through Nathan the prophet that they should name him Jedidiah (which means “beloved of the Lord”), as the Lord had commanded.

My journey continues. Many of you followed my steps through my pregnancy, birth and loss of my sixth child, Azaiah Stone. He was most certainly a gift from God. In his time with us and apart from us, he has been an instrument to transform our hearts. He hasn’t stopped there. His life and legacy have transformed the hearts of near strangers, turning them to Jesus.

Through many tears, I have watched the Lord. I stand in awe of him and I am amazed.

In the gripping moments of our grief and our pain, the Lord has continued to wash us with his mercy. For centuries, the Lord has given children as a testimony to his presence and provision. From Abraham and Sarah to David and Bathsheba. God says, “I AM!” through the seed of life planted within a womb.

I AM the God over your circumstances.
I AM the God over your pain.
I AM the God of great promises.
I AM the God over the grave.

Last week my husband and I found out that God has yet again placed life inside my womb. This seventh child is due on our precious Azaiah’s birthday.

Does God work in the lives of his people? Undoubtedly YES!

For when they see their many children
and all the blessings I have given them,
they will recognize the holiness of the Holy One of Israel.
They will stand in awe of the God of Jacob. Is. 29:23

Filed Under: Christian Life, Death and Dying, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff, Matters of the Heart Tagged With: how does God work?

He Lives For Kids!

February 18, 2013 by Serena 3 Comments

Mom, pregnant with Azaiah, and his big brother and big sisters

As I stripped the clothes of my son’s body to see if there were any signs of life, my eyes connected with both of my oldest daughters, ages 7 and 9. They were kneeling on the ground, screaming and crying out with me. My twelve-year-old son had to take charge of the house, calling his father and directing the paramedics to our place. My youngest daughters watched fearfully.

This moment changed the fabric of who they are. They watched their brother die. I hate that. I despise that moment.

I hate it because death hurts. Death scars us. Death mutilates us. Death is a curse. It is a curse that we suffer because we, as mankind, chose evil over the goodness of a holy God. I hate that.

So what do I do for my kids? In this season of our lives we have cried with them, prayed with them, held them. We have encouraged them to share memories, write in journals, paint pictures or yell and scream. Whatever they need to do. Our four year-old has a bag of notes that she writes to Azaiah throughout the day. Our seven year-old daughter wrote him a song.

We may have been stung by the consequences evil, but evil is not undefeated. The truth is evil can be conquered. It will be conquered by doing good.

Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. Romans 12:21

And there God placed us. Asking us to do something good. We will heal, not by blaming God, not by suffocating in our walls of sorrow or by numbing our grief. We will overcome by immersing ourselves in the pain of death and serving other children who have also lost a brother or sister. We will reach out our hearts to these children and send care packages. I like to call them love in box.

Our nine year-old daughter had the name HE LIVES placed on her heart. Yes, Jesus lives. The one who conquered death himself. And so the ministry, He Lives for Kids, was born.

He isn’t here! He is risen from the dead, just as he said would happen. Come, see where his body was lying. Matthew 28:6

When he died, he died once to break the power of sin. But now that he lives, he lives for the glory of God. Romans 6:10

Go right now and check our new Facebook page He Lives For Kids!

Filed Under: Christian Life, Death and Dying, Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff, Matters of the Heart, Parenting Tagged With: dealing with death, grief, serving others

Family Adventure Friday

February 15, 2013 by Serena Leave a Comment

No school today. The DeGarmo Family is packing up and heading out. Find time today to enjoy someone you love.

Filed Under: Kids and Beyond, Mama Stuff

Proverbs 31:26