There’s a small minority of single women out there who are content with their single-hood. Some are even blessed by it. But from the women I watch and talk to, most of the rest are struggling with their relationship status.
I see the struggle in the kind of guys they give their hearts to. Guys that won’t honor them. Guys that won’t protect them. Guys who have no ambition or no job. Guys that have no intention of leading and providing, let alone being a Christ-figure in a marriage.
If you’ve read much of what I say, you know John and Stasi Eldredge’s work has molded my own. The longer I do this stuff the more and more I am smacked in the face by the truth in what they say. This is one of those face smacks:
There is an emotional promiscuity we’ve noticed among many good young men and women. The young man understands something of the journey of the heart. He wants to talk, to “share the journey.” The woman is grateful to be pursued, she opens up. They share the intimacies of their lives – their wounds, their walks with God. But he never commits. He enjoys her… then leaves. And she wonders, What did I do wrong? She failed to see his passivity. He really did not ever commit or offer assurances that he would…
Be careful you do not offer too much of yourself to a man until you have good, solid evidence that he is a strong man willing to commit. Look at his track record with other women. Is there anything to be concerned about there? If so, bring it up. Also, does he have any close male friends – and what are they like as men? Can he hold down a job? Is he walking with God in a real and intimate way? Is he facing the wounds of his own life, and is he also demonstrating a desire to repent of Adam’s passivity and/or violence? Is he headed somewhere with his life? A lot of questions, but your heart is a treasure, and we want you to offer it only to a man who is worthy and ready to handle it well.
― Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul
Don’t read over that quote too fast. There’s some genuine wisdom tucked in there. I’m a bullet point kind of girl. Go through those question one by one.
- What’s his track record with other women?
- What are his male friends like?
- Can he hold down a job?
- Is his walk with God real and intimate?
- Is he facing his own wounds?
- Is he repenting of his passivity or aggression?
- Is he headed somewhere in his life?
If you answered a negative to any one of those questions do not give your heart to that man. But you can help him grow into that right? I’m afraid not. God is the only one who can transform him. But he needs you? No, a man of God needs God and will offer his strength to YOU. But he could change. Yes he could. But it is also possible that he might not. But I don’t want to hurt him. Staying in a relationship out of pity does nobody any good.
If you are struggling with finding the right guy or if you aren’t sure if you should stay in a relationship, I want to leave you with this. I want you to ask yourself if you have a man who is capable of THIS. If he is, don’t let him go, if he’s not it’s time to let go.
Husbands, love your wives the same as Christ loved the church and gave his life for it. He died to make the church holy. He used the telling of the Good News to make the church clean by washing it with water. Christ died so that he could give the church to himself like a bride in all her beauty. He died so that the church could be holy and without fault, with no evil or sin or any other thing wrong in it.
And husbands should love their wives like that. They should love their wives as they love their own bodies. The man who loves his wife loves himself, because no one ever hates his own body, but feeds and takes care of it. And that is what Christ does for the church because we are parts of his body. The Scriptures say, “That is why a man will leave his father and mother and join his wife, and the two people will become one.” That secret truth is very important—I am talking about Christ and the church. But each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself. And a wife must respect her husband. Eph. 5
It’s not about personality. It’s not about mutual interests. It’s not about attraction. Give your heart to man who has given his heart to God.